The pissy couch

I’m sorry couch. I tried to maintain you. I tried to keep you in the lovely condition you were in, but it has become clear that Parker considers you his own personal pissing pad- and so now you can only be known as the pissy couch.

I am currently beyond tempted to become the OCD 50’s housewife and put plastic covers on every single piece of furniture in this damn house to keep it all from being saturated in a 2 year old human’s urine.

What is the appeal, exactly, of emptying a bladder onto my couch? Is he trying to tell me that it’s a piece of shit? Perhaps he wanted me to buy a brand new one instead of the nicest one I could find on Craigslist (for the most reasonable price). Perhaps he thinks we’re made of money, and all this piss he keeps soaking it in will FORCE me to run out and replace it. Well I got news for ya, kid. I’m broke- so congratulations, you will now be sitting in your own piss stains for the foreseeable future.

I really thought after the last time, and the massive hissy fit he had after the couch-pissing excursion, that i’d broken this nasty little habit of his to refuse to go to the bathroom directly after nap time, because we all know toddlers have tiny little bladders that they just can’t seem to hold no matter how potty trained they are.

Wouldn’t you know it, today as he is rising from his nap (on the couch, per usual), and I pick him up, just as i’m uttering out the phrase “Let’s get you to the bathroom before you piss on the couch again” what do I see? He already has. MOTHER F….
But this was no ordinary sized toddler pee. It was a grown ass man pee. It took about 15 paper towels to soak up all I could of it, but can you ever really get all the pee out? I don’t think so. This couch is screwed. Even if I wash the cushion covers (which I am planning on doing, because pee, believe it or not, stinks), that was so much pee I guarantee it sank to the middle of the padding. Great, pee-padding.

And then there’s Holden. What does he do to remedy this pissy couch situation? Takes some packing foam, puts it over the wet spot, and says “See?”
If only it were that simple, my child.

If there’s one good thing about it that I can say, it’s that at least it isn’t the side of the couch I usually sit on.
You’re welcome, Thomas.

Poor couch, sooner rather than later it looks like you will have to go back to where I got you from: listed on Craigslist, but instead of saying “in really nice condition”, it will have to say “slightly peed on”
If the weird shit people search for and land on my blog is an indicator of anything, it’s that I bet someone would be into that kind of thing.

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 4 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • LMAO!! thanks for all the laughs! you make my day!!!

  • As the mother of twin recently turned 3 year olds, let me give you some advise. Take the cover off the cusion, wash it, clean the padding as well as possible. Sun it, air it out, bleach it if you must, let dry completely, then stuff that bad boy in a plastic garbage bag then put the cover (after washing and drying) back on the padding and then if he pees on it again, the pee doesn’t soak into the cushion and you can just wash the cover again. Beats the 50’s vinyl cover look!

  • LMAO are you sure we aren’t related??? Or have been reading my mind long distance I congratulate you for saying what we all have been thinking …Bravo!!! I have worn out 2 steam cleaners on my couch and carpets in 7 yrs. Good luck!!!

  • I am a full believer that all children work on the same wavelength lol