The Penis Tourniquet

It has now been nearly 4 years since I started growing my hair out. I had dreams of long flowing curls, or what I often refer to as “Hollywood Hair”- the envy of all my friends, a luxurious mane that would make me feel a little less frump-a-dump on my bad days.

When I feel like grooming myself, it does do most of those things… but on the majority of days I just don’t have the energy to do anything at all with it except for notice all the strange side effects that have come along with having such long hair.

You see, the longer your hair gets, it seems the more you tend to shed. And as a person with not only long hair, but a SHITLOAD of hair, I shed constantly and in massive amounts. I find my hair EVERYWHERE, even in places I haven’t been or food I didn’t make. Thank god i’m not a waitress because people would be getting their meals for free all the time.

I am constantly paranoid about getting one single hair wrapped around either of the boys dangles and becoming essentially a castrator. What might be my only hope for a girl in my family- dashed with one single hair!

It wasn’t that long ago when I pulled Parker out of the shower, only to find one of my hairs poking out from his nether region. PANIC!
Let me tell you what is awkward: Having to force your 2 year old little boy to hold still while you untangle a piece of hair from his penis, only to lift up his balls and find what can only be described as something a cat would hock up in his gooch area.
I’ve also seen Holden emerge from the tub looking like Sasquatch- my hair stuck all over his body. That kid has a hairy enough back without any help from me.

For myself? I can’t tell you how many times i’ve had a hair or ten stuck in my crack and have pulled it out to the sound of “squeaaaaaaak”
Gives a whole new meaning to the term “Butt Floss” doesn’t it?
I wake up in the middle of the night and sometimes I swear my hair is attempting to suffocate me.

I’ve also humiliated myself many times in public by suddenly twitching like i’m turning into a Zombie because suddenly a loose hair is tickling me in an awkward place. I swear people must think i’ve escaped from a mental ward as I flail around, peer down my shirt, and from far away- pull out what looks like absolutely nothing, and then go about my way as though nothing happened.

if I weren’t keeping my hair long out of spite for how long i’ve been growing it out- i’m telling you right now i’d hack it off! Finding my own hairballs everywhere is becoming as disgusting as all the times Holden used to shit his pants and then hide it in the closet for me to find later.

Posted on October 3, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 6 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • omg….i know exactly those hair balls!!!!!! That’s awful!!!I have been lucky enough not to have that situation with my son… but hair is always all over me when I get out!!

  • Haaaaa! Hysterical! Thank you!
    (From one who had long hair for years and years)

  • Haha! I’m sooo not the only one!! Gotta love the awkward tickly-hair dance.. I always seem to find my hairs in the kid’s diapers.. it is a bit scarier now that I have boys.. lol

  • Oh thank Goddess I’m not the only one.. My hair is at my butt (recently chopped off a foot…). Between finding them everywhere, pulling them out of my ass crack, out from down my shirt, out of the towels, and out of the drain, we seem to be buying vacuum belts in bulk. My hair wraps around them, tangles in the rotor thingy and burns the belt to smithereens.. I totally feel you. Hubby bitches about it all the time. But I know that if I cut it, he’d be apoplectic..

  • LMAO!!! I had hair down past my butt for the last fifteen years. It was always EVERYWHERE! My son’s dad even found pieces down HIS asscrack (and elsewhere). I finally took the plunge two months ago and got it all hacked off (donated of course) and now it is a super short pixie. I don’t miss it at all!! I’m in love with the short do 🙂