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The man with the missing nail

When you go to a fall festival, or any public family type event, you have to be prepared to encounter people from all walks of life, in all states of dress (and sometimes undress, much to you horror).
It can sometimes be the worst of Walmart all stuffed into one place in natural lighting… and what has been seen cannot be unseen.

Over the years, i’ve sadly and disturbingly grown used to seeing mile long cameltoes, and once in a blue moon the ever-elusive moose-knuckle. I’ve seen more spandex as outwear than i’d ever care to admit to, bareless watermelon boobs flopping around in the wind, high waisted thin as paper sweatpants in a rainbow of vomit-like colors, bare bellies with gigantic muffin tops, and the dreaded light-wash mom jean, complete with dirty old white tennis shoes and tube socks.

Even having your eyes stabbed over and over again with the things I listed above, there are some things you can never be prepared to see- and that is what happened to me over the weekend.

For months i’ve been promising to take Holden on a ferris wheel. I don’t know why I did, because I had no idea where, outside of the state fair which is over an hour away that i’d ever be able to take him on one… and sorry Holden, but i’m not driving that far for a damn wheel that spins around.

We were lucky enough that the fall/halloween festival we went to over the weekend just to happened to have a carnival, complete with ferris wheel. Terrifying rickety ferris wheel, but one never the less. As we were pulling up, Holden landed his eyes on it and instantly started begging to go. It was ALL he wanted to do, and since i’d promised (and I don’t go back on promises), that’s where we headed first.

The line wasn’t very long, but was moving very slowly- so that gave me a chance to people watch in order to kill time- and ohhh the things I saw!
Only one stuck out in my mind though… and that came from the man in front of me.

As I was scanning the ground, I caught a good look at his feet… and something just didn’t seem right. I did a doubletake and that’s when I realized that he was wearing sandals. I don’t mind a man in sandles. If he doesn’t have ape feet, sometimes it can actually be kind of cute- but this man was wearing sandles and his big toe? Well, it just so happened to be missing about 99% of its nail.

Look, i’m no stranger to broken ass toenails. I got mine snapped in half thanks to Thomas right before we left for Disney and spent the entire trip paranoid a little kid would short stop me and tear the rest off. I even snapped the same nail again twice since we’ve been home. It’s not been pleasant, and i’m sure not pretty to look at- but it had NOTHING on this guys mutant freak toe.

The tiny bit of nail he had left looked like it had been mauled by a wild animal… and there he was, wearing flip flops and walking around in dirt and hay. That has to be a recipe for gangrene.

I was SO disgusted, SO horrified… but I just couldn’t tear my eyes away from it.
I kept thinking, HOW did this happen? Why? And why in the hell would you wear sandals for everyone to see it? Why would you let dirt get into that thing?

The only thing burned into the backs of my retinas this terribly is the time Parker shat the biggest turd i’ve ever seen and his butthole literally turned inside out.

Honest to God, I will take a spandexed cameltoe or a sweaty moose-knuckle over the freaky toenail-less man ANY day of the week.

Posted on October 10, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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