Sometimes I have to wonder if maybe I ate something wrong while I was pregnant with each boy to make them as strange as they are. Or maybe I just don’t hang out one on one with enough other moms to really understand what is considered “normal”, because every single day my kids completely weird me out. Or maybe, just MAYBE, it’s a boy thing… which I will never understand because I don’t have a penis and even after all my experience dealing with them (that sounds slutty), they will never make sense to me.
First we have Parker, who has recently seemed to take a liking to flesh. Every chance he gets, he’s sinking his teeth into Holden’s back, and almost every single time he draws blood. Holden did many strange things at Parker’s age, but biting was NEVER one of them! Holden currently has 3 nice sized bite marks on his back, and as much as I tell Parker that biting is NOT ok, he takes joy in staring straight at me while doing it again. I even have to be careful when I pick him up or he’ll take a chunk out of my collarbone.
And then there’s Holden. Oohhhh, Holden. Never fails to make me scratch my head as to where exactly I went wrong (kidding!)
I know I should have cut the habit long ago, but yes, I am still showering with him every other day. I know i’ve promised so many times before that I would stop- it’s just become too convenient. Hell, when your electric bill comes out to $400 a month because your landlord left the shittiest AC unit in your house known to man, you will cut bills however you can wherever you can!
I mean, he’s not in school yet, and it’s been at least 8 months since he’s pointed at my vag like it was an exhibit in a sideshow- so i’ve figured we’re pretty good to go.
No, no. Not good to go, because Holden has a strange fascination with blood. Every time Thomas cuts himself shaving? Holden is right there insisting to look at it, cleaning it up like he has his very on medical license from Harvard for Preschoolers.
Due to my extreme Frugality and slightly lazy nature, I haven’t changed the blade on my razor in only god knows how long. We women know how bad a dull razor can be for certain parts of our body. HEY! Take your mind out of the gutter!
I sliced my ankle nearly in half with that damn thing. It was like a crime scene in the bathtub, and with all the toys blocking up the drain, it started filling the tub with bloody water. Yes, cringe, because it is definitely cringe worthy.
Can you guess what Holden was doing? Splashing around in it like it was chocolate milk and he was in Willa Wonka’s Chocolate Factory! You would have thought it was the most fun he’d had all year!
I even jumped out of the shower early just to attempt to stop the bleeding and he followed me, insisting that he look at it and clean it up himself.
I am thoroughly horrified. I can hardly handle my own blood let alone someone elses… and here I am, starting the apocalypse in my own house with a zombie cannibal and a vampire.
Pat me on the back and tell me this is normal! Kids can eat boogers and pick their asses and smell it- but chewing flesh and splashing in blood?
Things that make you say Hmmmm…
Did you know that toothpaste becomes stronger than concrete if left on surfaces for too long? I didn't either. Thanks, kids!
Y'all can keep your creepy little elves- my kids live in fear of the PRESENT PRISON. holdinholden.com/2014/12/the-…
Cut Yourself some Christmas Slack goo.gl/fb/4WVJe2
My day as a parent isn't complete until I've threatened to sell at least one of my children on the black market. Twice. At least.
He only has himself to blame pic.twitter.com/UffL59jSmz
I'm forever teaching my kids to never say never... but... I'm breaking my own rules, here. NEVER EVER EVER will there be an elf on my shelf. Here's why: holdinholden.com/2012/11/why-…
If you have the desire to be in charge of someone else's bedtime who listens to you even less than you listen to yourself when you say "GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!"- having kids is definitely for you.