I have been writing on this very blog now for over 3 years. That’s a long ass time in blog world to keep on keepin’ on- unless you’re making a million bucks from it that is (ahem: perez hilton).
I blog for the love of blogging, and for the need to vent SOMEWHERE that I can’t see the dirty looks I get in response, or I fear my head might explode. Who would take care of my kids then?
Over these years, I have always kept track of how many hits the blog gets, where the people are viewing from, how long they stay on the page, and what exactly they are reading. Analytics are like the uber-lurking method of the internet. I know exactly where people are being directed from, and what they are clicking on once they get to my page. This helps to know that a) I don’t suck and b) what people find the most funny and the least funny, so that I can continue on the right track as far as my writing goes. You might consider that ‘stacking the deck’- but whatever works!
These analytics have also dealt me a hell of a lot of laughs- because it turns out- people are fucking WEIRD, and the things they search for on the internet range from the absurd, to the downright creepy… and somehow they land on me. Little old vulgar me. I might curse up a storm and whine more than a 2 year old, but in most cases, I am NOT what they are searching for while attempting to feed their weird online fantasies.
Here is just a short list of the random things weird people punch into their search bars, and end up at my page- likely only to realize they’ve come to the WRONG place.
“what do track marks look like”-
You really have to ask?Someone in your family doing drugs and you have no idea what they look like? Holdin’ Holden, the expertise on druggies! In reality, I wrote ONE post while I was pregnant about how my arms looked like i’d been injecting intravenous drugs because of how much blood they took from me at a single appointment, and that alone has clearly made me the be-all-end-all source for the internet on what track marks look like. Fail.
“milk flowing boobs” ,” pumping boobs”,” milking boobs by hand” etc.
My biggest search hits to date, and it always makes me giggle. And those are the mild ones- the other ones I can’t even post because they make me blush- they are just that dirty. I can just imagine some dude with a tit milk fetish searching the internet for leaky boob pictures and coming across my blog, where the only entry I have that directly references any term even similar to that is the one where I compare pumping to “boob queefs.” I would honestly pay money to see the looks on their faces. I’d love to think that it was a mom in desperation, with a faulty pump like I had, just trying to find someone out there with answers- but let’s face it- we moms have much better resources these days than punching something as random as those two statements into google and seeing what pops up. My favorite of the tit milk searches is the following : “boobs flow with milk+xxx” google did you WRONG!
Poor poor man, i’m sure just looking for a large, loud engine- and coming across my little place where a hemmie is not something that goes in a big ass truck, but instead something that pops out of a big ass.
“big fat whiny complainer”
Well, you came to the right place, I have to say. But did you find what you were looking for?
“does my kid poop too much”
Probably not. Deal with it.
“fucked ryan buell”
I know I have gone on at LENGTH about Ryan Buell, my celebrity stupid crush- but never did I mention FUCKING the dude. Good lord. Some chicks are apparently more into him than I am. And apparently think searching the internet will find them some kind of Buell porn to get them off. Sorry, ladies, not here! He didn’t even like me!
Can someone tell me WTF a girdle jegging is? Send this chick to the SPANX website, stat!
“grieving and finding comfort in sex”
I have no words.
“how to keep poop from coming out when gaping”
I just LOLed, hard. I hadn’t seen that one before, but it’s too fucking funny and confusing not to share! While GAPING?? Do I even WANT to know??
“i always think about the attractive babysitter”
You might want to go to couples therapy.
“husband milking wife boobs for milk”
Yikes. I can’t even imagine that.
” i felt a gas bubble will i fart soon?”
You can only hope.
“i pooped poop with all colors”
“let me suck your boobs mom”
I’m sorry. Vaginal rejuvenation in your future?
“pee came out vertackly”
This must be some new trend the kids have caught onto, because i’ve never heard of peeing “vertackly” before.
“pictures of a penis with needle track marks”
What.The.Fuck. Seek help, immediately.
“pooping so much will it ever end”
I often wonder that.
“special agent osos pee pee”
You WANT a childrens show character to have a penis? What’s wrong with you! Next thing you know, Donald Duck and his pantsless ass will grow a dick and be whipping it out in front of your kids. Genius.
Seriously, I could keep on going for DAYS because there is just THAT much weird randomness in my analytics- and every single one of those came back with MY blog, and apparently whatever popped up in accordance was intriguing enough to click on.
Sorry I couldn’t give y’all what your freaky asses desired, but thanks for the laughs!!
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times