The flying elbow

When it comes to sleeping, I am a “this is my side, that is your side” type of girl.

I guess this is another failure on my part to all woman-kind.

I don’t like to cuddle, I honestly don’t even like to be touched (unless i’ve just awoken from a nightmare; then i’ll stick to you like spandex on a FUPA). Don’t move, don’t twitch; and if you breathe out of your mouth i’ll punch your face in in a drowsy haze.

This is not all me just being a horrid sleep nazi- I am just a ridiculously light sleeper. Everything wakes me up, and it takes me forever to get back to sleep once that’s happened; so the sleep I do get is precious to me.

I’m sure Thomas hasn’t appreciated all the chest punches and hard shoves he’s received in the middle of the night- but he is constantly perpetrating a double offense: mouth breathing snores.  I at least beat the twitching out of him over the years; who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

After nearly 5 years of sleeping in the same bed with the same mouth breathing snore-twitcher, you tend to grow used to at least most of it. Tolerance goes up or something to that effect- but even over time there is one thing I CANNOT get used to sleeping next to, and it has to change before I go totally fucking insane from sleep deprivation: Parker.

Somehow, every single night, he manages to find his way into our bed. Every. Single. Night. And always without detection. It’s like he waits until he knows we are in our deepest stages of the REM cycle and then crawls into our bed and takes over… and then wages war. Not only does he come to our bed every night, but I am woken up but the flurry of elbows and heels being dropped on my chest and face every night now too; and I thought I was a restless sleeper. Christ!

Last night he beat me so hard it actually invaded my dreams. I can’t remember all the details, but I know I was getting my ass kicked, only to spring awake and watch a foot get dropped onto my clavicle.
A swift, sharp, tiny little heel kick to the tit is easily one of the worst pains you could ever experience outside of childbirth.
I’m lucky the kid isn’t armed with a weapon, i’d be history.

I’m at a loss of what to do! The kid’s even gotten sneaky enough to hide in our bed after he’s invaded his way in by sleeping down by our feet and shoving Thomas into MY side, nearly pushing me off the edge. The only way I find out he’s there is by seeing the limbs flailing and hearing the loud pop of thumb-sucking.  By the time I catch him down there, or become awake enough to realize who is trying to kill me in my sleep, it’s too late (or early by AM standards) to do anything about it without causing such an uproar that the entire house would wake up.
One kid sleep fighting me is enough, I don’t need 3 wide awake and bitching males at 2 in the morning. And if you think little boys can whine, well, any wife knows a husband can whine MUCH louder.

It might be time to pull out the duct tape. Let’s see you ninja your way out of that!

Posted on October 17, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • My 4 year old goes to sleep every night upstairs where he belongs. And then every night without fail I wake up squished in the corner, nearly falling off (one time I actually did fall off) of my bed because this tiny little 4 year old takes up the WHOLE ENTIRE bed! How is that possible? He doesn’t even weigh 40 pounds! And if I’m not being pushed off my own bed, I’m getting elbowed or kicked in some part of my body, usually my face! And I HATE cuddling when I am trying to sleep! I don’t even sleep in the same bed as my husband! He has a knee problem so he sleeps on the hard floor cuz for some reason that’s better for his knees and back. I should have the bed all to myself but no, I have a 4 year old bed hog!

  • Oh by the way, I followed your link from facebook here 🙂 I have a blog too.

  • welcome! what blog is yours? (or shall I just go down the rabbit hole by clicking your name 😉 )
    Parker is only about 25 lbs but does the same thing. totally spread eagle, limbs flailing through the air.
    Thank the sweet baby jesus Holden rarely ever comes into bed with us because he is ON ME. drooling on my pillow, ON ME.
    The rare occasion they both come into bed with us, it’s game over. I wake up and can’t move from a neck crick.

  • Just did a blog post about this recently. It was more about Hubby than churen, though. I too am a light sleeper. It’s a Mom thing, I think.

  • I banned the kids from my bed years ago. They’d take over the whole bed and I’d always end up on the couch.

    Cyber stalked from face book too, lol.

  • I tried the ban. The ban is being striked. If I get one more tit punch I swear i’m locking the bedroom door. OH WAIT, it won’t close. FML.

  • I have a 5 yr old that is constantly trying to invade my bed. All but 2 of my 7 kids have tried sharing our bed. I cannot sleep with kids in my bed unless I am completely exhausted because one of the twins won’t sleep. Then I either try to wait them out in the chair until my husband gets up at 4 and they can sleep on his side of the bed or I can put them back in their bed. What worked for a couple of my kids was a pillow and blanket on the floor next to my bed. This does not work for my 2 yr old twins though. 🙁

    I have had to banish my 7yr old from my bed because all of sudden her bed is uncomfortable and she was waking me every night.

    I am also not a cuddler, not if I want to sleep anyway.

  • LORD HAVE MERCY you just described me and our bed situation to a “T” minus one. I have not one but TWO three year old twin heathens beating the ever living shit out of me every single night. I’ve done everything I can think of. I’m beat down, literally.. but I have not tried the pallet on the floor as someone suggested.. wonder if it will work for my twins???? One can dream, eh?