Well, I had planned tonight to write about all the new weird things that are happening in this house and causing some loss of sleep on my part- but then my woman parts decided to rule my life, and now they’re all I can think about.
Last night I felt like total ass. Not the typical “I drank too much the night before” gross and tired feeling, and not the typical “I shouldn’t have eaten at that chinese food buffet” disgusting bloated overly stuffed feeling- it was worse.
I couldn’t stop crapping for the life of me, my back was killing me more than usual, and my stomach was so bloated that I looked to be about 5 months pregnant.
In my mind, it was the drinky, and the massive amount of food I ate. Those two things combined can be a nasty combination for even the strongest of stomachs.
This morning I woke up feeling decent, but overly exhausted. I’d promised to take the boys to the Halloween festival at Hunt Club Farm, which is forever away, but always a lot of fun… but I just couldn’t seem to get myself motivated to get out of the house early. Something was coming down the pipes, I just wasn’t sure if it was going to be another wave of poop or something else.
Once we finally got moving, it was late enough to where we had to stop for lunch before we could even go to the festival (festival food is way too damn expensive for me to buy it, even if it is disgustingly delicious).
In order to avoid having to sit on a port-a-potty at the farm and all the horror that can bring to the senses, I decided it would be best to empty my bladder at the place we were eating… and that was when I got a lovely little surprise. BLOOD!
“There goes another pair of underwear” was my first thought. I have no idea when my monthly intruder is going to come, so I am never prepared unfortunately for me.
My second? YAY I’M NOT PREGNANT!
I know it seems like such a ridiculous thing to think, but EVERY month I worry about it. Every single time! I hated being on Depo, but at least I knew while I was bleeding nonstop for 7 months straight that I wasn’t going to randomly get knocked up. Now i’m not on any kind of birth control, and while we are very careful, one never knows- especially with ovaries like mine that up and decide to get pregnant on a whim.
Sadly, the glee and relief I experienced upon realizing that I was not only NOT gigantically fat, but that I was NOT pregnant didn’t last very long, because the cramps came on shortly thereafter.
The last thing a woman wants to be doing when her entire insides feel like they’re either going to explode or fall out is walk around on a farm with stinky goats and a bunch of screaming children. And did I mention that since I had not been prepared, I had to dig in my abyss of a purse for my emergency tampon and that was all that I had?
Constant paranoia of bleeding through on a farm. Way to attract the goats!
The period: I suppose it’s a necessary evil, but it’s still EVIL.
Me: Man, my toy allergy eyes are bad today Kids: What? Me: Yeah,if I see any of your crap on my floor I'll have a reaction and THROW IT AWAY
@AmericHousewife it's cute you think I'll survive to them turning that age!
Oh, you're really in for it! pic.twitter.com/xXzFxhlxRJ
Spring into Spring-a-Palooza at Great Wolf lodge! goo.gl/fb/Ey9QEb
Vodka might rhyme with Friday, but what rhymes with Tuesday is "SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME HAVE MY COFFEE!"
Am I a "housewife"? Technically yes. Do I do "housewife" things? UM. NO. I fail. holdinholden.com/2014/08/i-am…
7yo: what's a colon? 9yo: it's the top of a smiley face Husband: ...and the inside of your butthole Me: *deep sigh*