Let me make one thing clear first: My kids watch childrens programming nearly every day (ok.. totally every day) because they are kids, the shows are on and they like them, and how the hell else am I going to get 5 seconds to myself to take a pee in peace?
That does not mean I like the shows they watch. In most cases, I absolutely HATE them! I feel my brain cells dying and brain melting away every time I have to sit through one. I have no idea, besides Sesame Street, what the hell I watched when I was a kid, but I can’t imagine it was as mind numbing as the crap they put on and claim is “educational” these days.
There are so many I despise, but I had to narrow it down to just a few for this list or it would be 20 pages long. As much as I love to complain, even that is a little much.
So here goes. Childrens show characters and why I hate them SO MUCH.
Where the fuck are your parents? What kind of responsible adult lets their small child wander the jungle with nothing more than a monkey? And for the love of God, STOP YELLING AT ME! There is such a thing as an inside voice, and while your dumb ass might be stupid enough to run around by yourself, your voice is coming into my house. Shut UP.
I hope you get bit by a poisonous snake and die.
So, they gave you your own show, that is ridiculously similar to Dora. Why? Fuck if I know. Do I really need two little kids yelling at me, other than the two that already reside in my own home? No. I don’t think I do.
3. Special Agent Oso.
Or as I like to call you, Special Agent Bozo. My kids absolute all time favorite animated character, but probably only because you’re such an idiot that you make them feel like Harvard neuroscience graduates.
If you were a real special agent, you’d have kicked rocks on your first mission- but I suppose Disney knows that because you are forever in training. Way to fail.
4. Yo Gabba Gabba. All of you.
The LSD infused reincarnation of the Teletubbies, except now instead of having the rumored “gay” one, there’s the blatantly dildo shaped “ribbed for her pleasure” creature, and his terrifying lipsynching pimp called “DJ Lance.” These are the things nightmares are made of. Especially Brobee and his wacky waving inflatable tube man arms.
5. Max and Ruby
This used to come on TV at the asscrack of dawn when Holden was a baby, and because I was in a half sleep, half awake state- I let it play… but every single morning I got so angered by the fascist dictator older sister constantly bossing her “I only have one word in my vocabulary and i’m going to repeat it OVER AND OVER AND OVER” asshole little brother that it would ruin any chance I had at catching just a little more sleep. Every episode I prayed the “AIRPLANE!” Max was screaming about incessantly for 15 minutes would trip him and he’d break his annoying little neck.
6. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Honestly I can’t think of many bad things to say about Mickey. They gave him a less child-molestery voice in the show than he used to have, and Minnie is far less of a slut (Holden swears Minnie & Mickey are just ‘best friends’- if only he knew)… but that Donald Duck. What a sour-faced bitch he is.
I realize that the shows I can recall watching aren’t exactly appropriate in todays standards (Ren & Stimpy being my absolute favorite), but I turned out just fine! What are kids today going to turn out like with this watered down brain melting crap that spams the TV? I miss the violent cartoons of yore.
Then again, when I switch to cartoon network and see shit like “Adventure time”- I cannot IMAGINE ever showing it to my kids, it gives ME the heebies- who ever thought THAT was a good idea?
So tell me, what childrens show characters do you absolutely despise?
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times