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Childrens show characters and why I HATE them.

Let me make one thing clear first: My kids watch childrens programming nearly every day (ok.. totally every day) because they are kids, the shows are on and they like them, and how the hell else am I going to get 5 seconds to myself to take a pee in peace?
That does not mean I like the shows they watch. In most cases, I absolutely HATE them! I feel my brain cells dying and brain melting away every time I have to sit through one. I have no idea, besides Sesame Street, what the hell I watched when I was a kid, but I can’t imagine it was as mind numbing as the crap they put on and claim is “educational” these days.

There are so many I despise, but I had to narrow it down to just a few for this list or it would be 20 pages long. As much as I love to complain, even that is a little much.

So here goes. Childrens show characters and why I hate them SO MUCH.

1. Dora.
Where the fuck are your parents? What kind of responsible adult lets their small child wander the jungle with nothing more than a monkey? And for the love of God, STOP YELLING AT ME! There is such a thing as an inside voice, and while your dumb ass might be stupid enough to run around by yourself, your voice is coming into my house. Shut UP.
I hope you get bit by a poisonous snake and die.

2. Diego.
So, they gave you your own show, that is ridiculously similar to Dora. Why? Fuck if I know. Do I really need two little kids yelling at me, other than the two that already reside in my own home? No. I don’t think I do.

3. Special Agent Oso.
Or as I like to call you, Special Agent Bozo. My kids absolute all time favorite animated character, but probably only because you’re such an idiot that you make them feel like Harvard neuroscience graduates.
If you were a real special agent, you’d have kicked rocks on your first mission- but I suppose Disney knows that because you are forever in training. Way to fail.

4. Yo Gabba Gabba. All of you.
The LSD infused reincarnation of the Teletubbies, except now instead of having the rumored “gay” one, there’s the blatantly dildo shaped “ribbed for her pleasure” creature, and his terrifying lipsynching pimp called “DJ Lance.” These are the things nightmares are made of. Especially Brobee and his wacky waving inflatable tube man arms.

5. Max and Ruby
This used to come on TV at the asscrack of dawn when Holden was a baby, and because I was in a half sleep, half awake state- I let it play… but every single morning I got so angered by the fascist dictator older sister constantly bossing her “I only have one word in my vocabulary and i’m going to repeat it OVER AND OVER AND OVER” asshole little brother that it would ruin any chance I had at catching just a little more sleep. Every episode I prayed the “AIRPLANE!” Max was screaming about incessantly for 15 minutes would trip him and he’d break his annoying little neck.

6. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Honestly I can’t think of many bad things to say about Mickey. They gave him a less child-molestery voice in the show than he used to have, and Minnie is far less of a slut (Holden swears Minnie & Mickey are just ‘best friends’- if only he knew)… but that Donald Duck. What a sour-faced bitch he is.

I realize that the shows I can recall watching aren’t exactly appropriate in todays standards (Ren & Stimpy being my absolute favorite), but I turned out just fine! What are kids today going to turn out like with this watered down brain melting crap that spams the TV? I miss the violent cartoons of yore.
Then again, when I switch to cartoon network and see shit like “Adventure time”- I cannot IMAGINE ever showing it to my kids, it gives ME the heebies- who ever thought THAT was a good idea?

So tell me, what childrens show characters do you absolutely despise?

Posted on October 15, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 53 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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53 Comments

  • I would have to say the one that irks me the most is teletubbies for sure! but like you said, yo gabba gabba is just like the other little assholes!!! ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

  • I seriously cracked up when I read this because I was thinking the same things about these kids cartoons…and really where the hell is Max and Ruby’s parents?….Probably out selling their foodstamps for crack..just saying

  • yo gabba gabba is the worst…
    in the night garden is weird, but it becomes a bit better when youre used to it.
    ceaser and nelli (or however you spell it) is sooo annoying… i often walk out of the room when it comes on because i cant stand it… at least when yo gabba gabba come on, me and my partner joke around about how much acid the creators must have been on…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • You forgot that purple freak Barney…I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang that freak from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • Your forgot that purple freak Barney…can’t believe he’s still around….I hate him…he hates me…gonna hang him from the nearest tree…

  • I really can’t stand Caillou’s whiney voice. I also don’t like Bob the Builder. Ever since I found out that the guy from Whose Line Is It Anyway? does his voice, I’ve hated him. He’s too whiney and he sounds like he has a burp caught in his throat. My older two LOVE Adventure Time. I’ve seen bits and pieces of it, but have never watched it. It looks pretty weird, but it can’t be as bad as Flap Jack. THAT show is fucked up.

  • We stick to PBS and Qubo. I find their shows to be far less offensive to my senses. We also watch a lot of Netflix shows. My Little Pony, Pound Puppies (old school!)and Sonic. I hate Sonic. The voices get on my last nerve. I’m absolutely in LOVE with Jane and the Dragon on Qubo. The animation is gorgeous. And, who doesn’t like dragons?

  • Bar-fucking-ney….. I love you, you love me…. This is not reality….

  • How about those annoying kid actors on Barney??? I swore if I saw Jazz hands one more time…someone was getting hurt! Lol 😉

  • Adventure Time is A-MAzing! Along with Regular Show.. I don’t know why but I can actually watch it on a regular basis without making things up about why I hate it so much… plus it gives my brain a fucking break from Spongebob that all three of my children..wait four including the husband…. have loved.

  • My daughter is.not allowed to watch.Spongebob.. Ugh I. Hate. That. Damn. Show. I also cringe at Kai-Lan.. Arrrgh. And Wonderpets.. Why do we needs speech impediments on the air? Shouldn’t we show correct speech patterns? How else will they learn??? I used to babysit a little girl whose parents decided Teletubbies was ok.. It set her speech pattern and vocabulary back 2 years!!! I loved Little Einsteins though.

  • I know this is late comment but I’m still catching up reading 🙂 When I was a kid there was this finnish show that was very popular.It had woman with teddy bears and she would be singing and playing and for some reason it annoyed me to no end. http://is11.snstatic.fi/img/468/1288332763983.jpg with one of the teddies. Even when I grew up and was forced to go their “home” with my cousin I felt like running away from the freaky costumed teddies.I also disliked teletubbies..hrr.

  • Love this one! I am with you on the Adventure Time show! That is banned as well Fish Tanks, Fred, that stupid Gumball show, and anything else related to those. My son doesn’t know why, I don’t think he will ever understand, but when I hear them coming on (even in the bathroom) you can hear me screaming “NO!!!!! CHANGE IT NOW!”

  • I despise Cailou! Where is that kids hair?? His voice is the worst! I agree with the above poster who said special agent oso that is one stupid bear! I don’t want my child to emulate that dumb ass

  • There is totally something to be said for buying/downloading the good old stuff (IE animaniacs, bugs bunny, ETC) so that future generations have cartoons that are worth getting out of bed for on a Saturday morning.

  • I hate jake and the neverland pirates, agent oso make ny ears bleed, octonaughts, doc mc stuffins!! Shit i really cant stand any off them except phinius and pherb. But my daughter jumps around and acts like she just won the lotti so i dont have the heart to change it. But after she eats breakfast i definitely turn them off or change the station.

  • Your descriptions of Max and Ruby & Yo Gabba Gabba are exactly what I’ve been saying!!I’ve had about enough of The Freshbeats songs to last me a lifetime and Oswald seems to be on some downers. Although I haven’t watched it yet, I have heard three lines ,I felt were not appropriate, repeated by my kids and each time I asked where they heard… they all said Gravity Falls. My boys love Adventure Time much to my dismay.

  • I avoid Adventure Time with a FLAMING PASSION, Gravity Falls is new to me…. for some reason I can’t look away!

  • my favoritest one to hate is Barney. on my sons first day of kindergarten he came out singing “i love you you love me” and i sang my own version. “i hate him. he bugs me. im going home to shoot the tv”. they never sang it again in front of me… smart kids 🙂

  • Anything that has to do with Fred… I loath him!

  • My favorite characters to hate? The wonder pets, because singing everything isn’t annoying enough, we need to sing the same sentence 3 times in a row to make a point. My son loved this when he was 2 and would sing in the bath tub I am taking a bath three times would drive me nuts!

  • I agree with your list, with the exception of Adventure Time, I watch all the old school cartoons, case and point I am watching Captain Planet right now. I love Adventure Time, but never remember to put it on at the right time. Used to DVR it but it only recorded 15 minutes of it.

  • Lazytown. Peppa Pig. Actually, any of the pig or sheep offerings doing the rounds at the moment.

    I like Dora – mainly because she is on at 6.30 on the weekend, and it gives me a chance to get some tea and open my eyes. Her ONLY redeeming feature.

  • Spongebob. Used to watch it when it first came out. After kids I just got sick of it. They would want to watch it all the time.

    Jenny, same way with Gravity Falls. Can’t stop watching it.

  • Absolutely hate Umizoomi! Tiny little freak heroes who”save the day”but amazingly noone’s big feet they show step on them! Unfortunately…it is just so unreal…also, bubble guppies…the songs make me wanna to my hair out! Love Animaniacs though!

  • […] of my very favorite blogger friends, Holdin’ Holden, re-posted an awesome piece this week on children’s show characters that she hates.  I loved it, but I found it interesting […]

    • Pingu!!! I want to smash his stupid head in! And Thomas the train, he’s such a know it all narcissistic little prick!

  • Oh my god, I hate Dora and Diego too. I’ve seen one episode of Max and Ruby but I wanted to strangle them all and eat freaking rabbit stew for dinner (and I’m a vegetarian so that’s really saying something). I also hate the Wiggles. I actually had a dream where I murdered them once. It was one of the best dreams I’ve ever had. Also, my nephew loves this weird show about “artistic” and “gifted” high school students (who all seem to be idiots with no actual talents of any kind) called ANT farm.

    • Haha, thank you! I have NEVER understood Ant Farm. Gah. I long for the days of Lizzie McGuire on Disney!

      • i have recorded the lizzie mcguire movie on foxtel and refuse to let anyone delete it. i am not the least bit ashamed of this. i threw the worlds most impressive tantrum when i got foxtel and found out that they dont play dexters laboratory or any of the awesome shows anymore – except powerpuff girls, but theres only so much of that i can take (blossom annoys the shit out of me) my poor children will never know what good tv is.

  • Dora and Diego, and the new My Little Ponies, as well as Barney and the Wiggles. I don’t like Adventure Time either but I’ve only seen about ten minutes of it (my 12-year-old nephew likes that one) so it doesn’t bother me as much. The show ANT Farm is also atrocious.

  • My girls love Adventure Time, and I can actually stand to watch that one as well, so it’s on a lot in out house!!

    The show I absolutely, positively cannot tolerate is Frances!!! The one with the raccoon family!! I hate, hate, hate listening to the baby sister “talk”!!! I agree with the above comment about why are we promoting speech impediments?! We have a 6 year old who is already behind on speech, and I’m afraid when she hears jibberish like that, it makes her think it’s ok to speak that way!! Our 9 year old still tries to “baby talk” too!! Drives me bonkers!!!!

  • Wonder Fucking Pets!

  • Oh you read my mind! I actually like Peppa Pig, but my girls are almost always watching Disney movies and by Disney I mean Frozen, so I can’t complain too much. Now I absolutely hated Rhe Wonder Pets, I wanted to shoot that damn hamster in the face so much! Oh and I hate Peter Rabbit as well, I don’t know why I just do. And they like The Simpsons (don’t judge me lol!) so yeah not too bad.

  • There are 3 that I can name off the top of my head that make me was to smash my face into the wall till the stupid learned goes away. 1. The regular show, 2. Uncle Grandpa. and 3. Spongebob Square pants. Any time I am forced to set through these tortures I feel my iq drop by several points.