When the majority of women become Moms, the first thing they do is to put themselves last. Everything else is more important; changing shitty diapers, getting the massive amount of laundry done, cooking dinner, and if they are a working mom on top of all of that- an 8 hour day doing whatever it is that they do to bring home a paycheck. It is EXHAUSTING, and our looks seem to catch the brunt of it.
It has definitely been that way with me. Not just the body morph I went through, but how I treat myself. No, I don’t go a day without makeup (mama is SCARY without makeup)- but I definitely don’t try as hard to look good like I did before kids. Who am I trying to impress, really? No one but my own critical self. I don’t buy myself clothes as often, and I just haven’t felt like my old “hot” self anymore. Most days I feel downright disgusting.
When I found out I would be meeting my “celebrity” crush- I knew I had to try once again to impress. Not that in the grand scheme of things it mattered, or that I was expecting anything… but I suppose I was seeking validation. Just to know I still “have it.” If I could get Ryan Buell himself to give me a smile, I would know that i’m not this hideous lump of Mom, and maybe recapture a little piece of my old self, for old times sake.
I picked out a cute outfit, I styled my hair, I did up my makeup more than I have in a VERY long time. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt awesome. I actually thought I looked good.
And when I got to the hotel where the event was held and saw that for the most part there was zero “competition”- I had a good feeling that I would get the validation I was seeking.
When he walked into the room, I felt like a nervous little teenybopper. I felt ridiculous. Nervous, a little shaky, no idea what to do or to say or if I should approach him. I mean seriously, i’m a grown ass woman with 2 kids and a husband and I was nervous about meeting some dude who had no idea who I was.
And once I approached and talked with him, the hammer dropped on me. My crush crushed me.
Don’t get me wrong, he was nice, he chatted, he listened to me blather on like an idiot (so please, no one go to his Facebook and tear him a new one for being mean to poor Jenny)… but I got the distinct feeling that he would rather be talking to ANYONE else in the room, even the jailbait fangirl who nearly cried when he hugged her.
It seemed like he had trouble making eye contact, he rocked back and forth while talking to me (something I only saw him do while speaking in front of the whole group), and in the middle of our conversation when we were interrupted so he could sign someone’s book, he never engaged back into it. Just walked away… or maybe I walked away, but I just sensed that he wanted the conversation to be over.
On the left you will see the look of absolute glee. On the right, absolute contempt.
I was puzzled, and butt hurt. The tiny little ego I had built up before leaving my house had been bruised. I watched as he talked to everyone else, differently than he’d talked to me, and it bothered me even more. Not wanting to follow him around like a lost poppy dog or stare at him like a weirdo stalker (or the fangirl), I sat down and scratched my head.
The stupid validation I had been seeking had backfired on me! It was negative validation. Maybe I really am a hideous lump of mom. Maybe my breath stank. Maybe he thought I had some sort of contagious skin disease. Maybe he’s just into blonds.
it’s not like I was expecting him to fall to his knees and profess his undying love for me- but a little smile, a little acknowledgment, or even just treating me as nicely as he did everyone else and I would have walked away with hearts swirling around my head and more confidence in my pocket. All of this over a complete stranger! I don’t get it! Why was his validation so important? And why does it bother me so much that I didn’t get it?
When I got home I discussed the whole thing with Thomas (who knew I was trying to get him to flirt with me) and he claims that I made the guy nervous. A guy who’s been on TV for 5 years and meets hot ass chicks nearly every night, nervous over ME. Husband has to say that, or husband will get smothered in his sleep… and while I appreciate the sentiment and his coddling of my fragile ego, I don’t buy it.
Ryan Buell hated me. Or maybe I am just so insecure after years of the ravages of children taking a hold of my mind and body that I read him all wrong.
When did I become a validation whore? An attention seeking little girl? I’m kind of embarrassed about it, to be totally honest with you.
But I think this shows me in the end that I need to start trying to look good again, but not for some celebrity that meets girls all the time and pays them no mind regardless of their looks, but for ME. To get ME back a little bit, because I felt so good when I left the house- I want to feel like that ALL the time.
That’s my advice for all moms out there. Get yourself cute, at least one day a week. Puff up your ego and walk out the front door feeling like a million bucks. It does wonders for your mind and your mood. Just don’t meet your celebrity crush, because if they look at you like you have the plague- it will take the wind right out of those sails!
Where you should be spending your Saturday night twitch.tv/holdinholden
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