I knew I needed to give this blog a title worthy of a Hollywood Blockbuster after the events of the day…
The day the Shart stood still
Return of the Living Sharts
Three men and a little Shart
The Shart who shagged me
Ok- maybe not that last one.
Today… the shart to end all sharts occurred… and I fear I may never be the same.
We are at the tail end of potty training Parker. It’s gotten nearly to the point where I don’t have to worry about reminding him to use the bathroom, because he will tell me before he messes himself. It is a blissful existence.
Even his poops are predictable, as he is typically a once-a-dayer, right after breakfast, without fail.
Today my brother came over during lunch and brought Preston with him (my 3 year old nephew whom I used to babysit). I am used to how the boys interact at this point. They run in circles, screaming, for hours on end… usually one of them ends up crying and coming to me about how one or the other shoved, pushed, hit, or was mean to them.
It gets to the point where if you don’t just learn to tune out the madness, you will lose your mind.
This happened today. I heard Parker doing his usual “i’m crying because they took my toy away” whine and gave it no attention, because coddling him just makes him even more of a needy little monster.
I was sitting on the floor, minding the computer, my brother on the couch reading a book, when Parker came over to me in hysterics. Figuring he had just bumped his head, I gave him a kiss, because we all know Mommy kisses make even the worst boo-boo all better… but he didn’t calm down like he usually does. Instead he screamed even louder, reaching around to his butt.
One thing I will not do is kiss a butt boo-boo, no matter how much my kids beg me to. I’ve never been an ass kisser and I most certainly won’t start now!
When the crying continued, I started my normal round of questions to figure out what is wrong.
Did you get hurt?
Did you get hit?
Did someone push you down?
All of these questions received a shaking of the head in return. Finally I asked if he needed to take a doodoo- this question got a violent nod- and I could tell at that point that he was clenching his cheeks as hard as he possibly could, so he REALLY needed to go; and when he really needs to go, I scoop him up and run him to the bathroom as fast as I can in order to avoid dropping turds all over the floor because he just can’t hold it anymore.
Unfortunately, this time I was too late. When I reached around to his butt to scoop him up and start my mad dash to the bathroom, I was greeted by a very wet and warm sensation covering the entirety of my hand.
OH MY GOD!
My brother finally looks up from his book.
“You’d better run, it’s seeping down his legs and into his socks!”
That’s right, the most evil of all toddler shit- liquid bowels.
Ever since my gag reflex took a hike, I have begun panicking at the sheer thought of toddler crap… and that is what I did this time. My hand was already saturated in it- so there was no turning back for me. I dug in and scooped him up, holding him a good foot out from me so my clothes didn’t get the brown treatment as well- and started to run. That wasn’t the only thing running if you get my drift.
It wasn’t hard for me to figure out what had occurred, considering in order to get Parker to the bathroom I had to step over and through the largest trail of liquid crap I have ever seen in my life.
OH MY GOD!!
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have seen a lot of shit accidents in my day, but this one took the cake.
My brother must have thought someone had died, because he jumped from the couch and came running into the other room asking what had happened… only to find me hunched over Parker who was screaming hysterically, surrounded by lakes of fecal matter.
I was frozen. I had no idea what to do. He was completely soaked, the floor covered… there was just no way to win!
My brother told me to take him outside and hose him down and throw the clothes away- but I feared that if I moved the poo would leak on me and I would instantly collapse on the floor vomiting on myself… and that is not a mess of bodily fluid that I ever want to clean up!
The only thing I could do was to take his advice. Amid gags and wretches, I dragged Parker outside, still holding him away from me, and made him stand in the grass while I sprayed him with water and stripped him naked…. Only to look up and see about 100 elementary school children staring at me like Parker and I were a 3 ring circus where the Lion ate the tamer.
You see, right outside our back fence is the field behind the local elementary school. Today was the first day of school. The kids just so happened to be out at recess during this debacle.
They certainly had an interesting “first day of school” story to tell their parents when they got home today!
Once I finally got Parker hosed down, dried off, and back inside (where he unleashed another liquid shit into his potty), cleaned up the mess on the floor (I have to admit that my brother did the majority of it, but still left some doo streaks behind) I sat down… still reeling from the experience.
It was then that my friend made a comment to me about how Parker must have felt like he had to fart and instead shat himself…. and I lost it.
Hysterical laughter at the expense of my child- isn’t that what being a mommy is all about?
There I was, picturing Parker attempting to let loose a little toot when a stream of hot crap came out instead. Judging by the trail he left, he attempted to run to the bathroom, couldn’t figure out how to get his underwear down, and then ran back through the kitchen to get to me… where he stood next to me grabbing his ass like it had just fallen out.
Shart of the year. Shart of the century! SHART OF THE MILLENIA!
I already know I will have little piles of poop dancing like sugar plums in my head tonight- definitely not the dream I wanted to be having- but such is the life of a mom.
Other than that- a good day! The Facebook referral contest started today to win a copy of my book for FREE before anyone else can buy it, and it’s going well! Welcome all you new readers, I hope this didn’t horrify you too much… just a little is what I strive for.
If you want to- you can still join in on the contest- read last night’s blog for the details- and go to my Facebook Fanpage here and start referring your friends, family, and estranged cousins!
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times