Out of the mouths of innocents

I have vivid memories from my kindergarten year of school, and our first lesson in “sex ed”- which really just consisted of sitting on the “reading rug” and being shown a book with pictures of children about my age in underwear, and being informed that boys had a penis, and girls had a vagina… and the entire class giggling uncontrollably. Were we uncomfortable hearing it? At 5 years old, do you really understand sexuality? Or is it just silly to hear the words penis and vagina… they are weird words when you say them out loud.

Sometimes I wonder if I have ever grown out of that giggly stage when it comes to hearing sexual statements.. or if my mind has ventured so far into the gutter that there is no chance of digging it back out. Am I the only one who hears statements that are not at all meant to be of the sexual nature and still laughs because they sound like they COULD be?

Being that I now have a 4 year old boy who has absolutely no filter on the things that he says, or an understanding of the implications behind them- I find myself constantly blushing and/or laughing hysterically at the things he says.

It all started when he was much younger and didn’t have many words in his vocabulary. In the heat of potty training, I would constantly remind him that when his pecker (which is what we always called it, and now I regret doing so) got “hard” it meant he had to pee, and to let me know because I didn’t want him pissing his pants and trailing it all over the house.
That one suggestion from me created an embarrassing monster. From that point on, every time he has to pee, he announces loudly, regardless of where we are: “MY PECKER IS HARD!”
If I had a nickel for all the strange looks I got…
And while I know he is just informing me, at the last second, that he has to take a leak- I still giggle to myself because of how WRONG it sounds coming out of a little kid’s mouth… even if I can’t imagine an adult, in the act of foreplay, calling his penis a “pecker.” I think those are the types of guys who simply don’t get laid.

There was another time… one I have never mentioned before, that happened very recently- that Holden said something so horrifying, so innocent to him, yet so incredibly horrifying, that I didn’t do my usual; which is to post the random funny things he says on Twitter. I couldn’t bring myself to; only thanked the sweet baby Jesus that no one else was around to hear it. I knew he meant no harm, but my mind went to the gutter and could NOT come out of it… and I will now share that comment with you:
“I’m gonna spray pecker juice all over you!”
You tell me that you wouldn’t immediately think that was a line from a B-rated porno film.
To Holden, “pecker juice” just means pee… but to me?? To you?? What does pecker juice mean??

Is it just me?? It can’t be just me!

Today, after a 2 week hiatus, Parker finally had speech therapy again. Each time she comes, we pull out different toys to attempt to play with to help Parker learn more words. Today’s toy was playdoh.
Thanks to that rat bastard yellow square Spongebob, Holden pulled out the pink playdoh and immediately began making what he called “Krabby Patties”- which looked more like sloppy roast beef sandwiches to me.
Somewhere down the line, he switched from making Krabby Patties to “Krabby Wieners”… all while making something that, to me, looked incredibly phallic.
While making this penis looking Krabby Wiener, he exclaims: “I have to make this Wiener BIGGER!”
I honest to God must have turned 10 shades of red, and started laughing so hard and mumbling “oohhh my god you didn’t just say that!”, that in turn, the speech therapist started laughing hysterically.
She says to me “Man your mind goes straight to the gutter!” but if she was laughing too, she must have thought the SAME exact thing!

Talk about awkward.

While I find these moments hilarious (and embarrassing all at the same time), and love how random he is without even knowing it… there are times, like the pecker juice incident, that I can’t wait for him to become aware of the things coming out of his mouth.

So you tell me- is it just me? Am I the only one? Has your child ever said anything so overtly sexual by accident that you couldn’t contain yourself??
… or am I just completely batshit crazy?

Posted on September 29, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • LOL! Love that story! It seems like my son always says stuff like that too at the most awkward moments!

  • Oh my haha, it is just too funny to hear from children because.. like you said they are innocent, to all the influence we have had growing up. I too laugh when I hear the things they say.. especially like this! My daughter is only 9 months so she has yet to start a vocabulary but my goodness I’m sure I am in for one hell of a ride when she does…

  • Well……I’m an esthetician and at some point my son is going to be very aware that his mommy waxes vajays all day but fortunately to this point, not so much. He did however tell his teacher that I “wax eyes and talk to Brazilians”. She was slightly confused until I explained I was an esthetician, she then blushed and walked away. Talk about AKWARD!

    On the same subject, my 4 year old came into the bathroom when I was getting out of the shower but didn’t seems to notice anything. After that, I got dressed and headed to grocery store. In the middle of a very busy checkout line, he asked my why my vagina doesn’t have any hair. I COULD HAVE DIED!!!!!! You should have seen the eyes one me; a acne covered young checkout boy, a middle aged wanna be rock god and an old woman. Shit….

  • Yes, my son said something strange and embarrassing that, thankfully, nobody was around to hear. We play the game where he says “daddy, kiss my ears” and I do, then “kiss my nose” and I do. Well, this time after his ears, face, tosies, nose, tummy, he says “daddy, kiss my pee-pee!” I was shocked and freaked out, thinking he overheard a conversation between the wife and I. We explained that is something not done, and so far he hasn’t said it again!

  • Once upon a time, I was a stay at home mom and I used to sew to help make ends meet. One of my regular gigs was making costumers for exotic dancers, think strippers. Most of what I made were bottoms and I could make 17 different styles of thongs.

    Enter son #2 at the age of about 12. Son: Mom, I guess I never know what it is you do with all the stuff Chris brings you. Me: I make bottoms for dancers. Son: Where are the tops? Me: Often there aren’t any tops. Son: They dance with naked boobs? Me: Yes. Some grown men like to go to clubs and see women dancing with nothing on top. Son: Why? What’s the point? Boobs are just mighty little milk machines!

    Poor boy, during his childhood I spent most of my time breastfeeding his four younger siblings. Mighty little milk machines indeed!

  • When my now 14 year old was little she told us that she “liked” pretty much everything. When she was potty training, we always took her to the bathroom with us. It seemed like the normal way to get her used to the idea. One day her father was giving her a bath and had to take a leak. He didn’t think anything of it until she said “Daddy, that’s your penis.” He agreed that it was. Then she said “Daddy, I like penises”.

  • When my oldest was almost three my ex sister in law was giving him a shower (she was 12 years old at the time) while she was washing his hair he asked her why her butt was in the front …. That was the last time anyone aside from his daddy assisted him in the shower.