The Mystifying Appeal of Spongebob

What the hell is it about that annoying little yellow bastard that makes him so damn appealing to small children?
Is it the eyelashes? That repetative obnoxious laugh that threatens to make your adult head explode? His special pink friend and sexually ambiguous neighbor? The gapped teeth?

I can’t ever put my finger quite on what it is that makes him like crack for kids- especially my kids. And I am actually slightly ashamed to admit that I even let that sponge appear on the TV in my house.

To be totally honest though, at first it seemed harmless. An episode every now and then isn’t all that bad, and Mr. Squarepants earned me an extra 30 minutes or so of sleep in the mornings when Holden got to the age where he refused to go back to bed after waking up at ungodly hours.
Even better than that was how it helped Holden’s speech and word associations. Before SBSP, he never called anyone by name or than Thomas or I, after starting to watch it, everyone and everything had a name.
Spongebob made my kid smarter!

Unfortunately the benefits stopped there. It went from an occasional episode, to requesting Spongebob every single time the TV turned on. EVERY TIME.
And when I would put it on? He would zone out as if that evil square was sucking his brain into the TV. I swore I even caught Holden drooling a few times while watching, glassy eyes, nothing else in the world existed.

It was at that point that I started “no TV time”
I am by no means a TV nazi, but I know how bad it is for toddlers and preschoolers to be vegging out in front of the TV all the time- so I started flexibly limiting how much TV he could watch.

Then baby brother Parker was born, and the obsession turned to Special Agent Oso (AKA Special Agent BOZO) for a while… who is painfully stupid and unaware, but completely harmless as far as brain melting goes, and is a show that is meant to TEACH and not just the killer of braincells.

I made the mistake one day of putting Spongebob on again, after a relatively long hiatus… and now I can’t get that brown pants wearing turd out of my house and away from my kids.

What Holden likes, Parker likes.. so of course the Spongebob obsession has rubbed off, and mama is NOT PLEASED. Especially after the recent report that Spongebob quite literally melts kids brains, especially ones under the age of 5. Ok maybe not THAT literally, but the report said something along the lines of that it can cause children to have short attention spans.

The problem arises when I attempt to turn Spongebob off after I have mistakenly turned the TV on to Nickelodeon and not Disney Jr (I get the channels confused, too many numbers to remember). You would think it was the END of the damn world and the sky was rapidly falling on Holden’s head. A scream unlike any other scream I have ever heard come from him starts emanating from not just his mouth, but his entire body. If I don’t turn it back immediately, it becomes an hour long panic attack… and most days I just don’t have the patience to deal with that level of freak out.

Even if that damn show makes Holden laugh harder than I have ever heard him laugh at anything else- the mind melting yellow shit has to GO.
It’s time for Holden to file divorce paper. Irreconcilable differences (read: Mommy says NO!)

Posted on September 28, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • You crack my shit up!! But I will say my kids, now 14 and 10, grew up watching it and they are pretty smart 🙂 They now choose to watch History channel over kids shows…..so don’t fret, this too shall pass 🙂

  • Yes, it will pass! My kids still watch it occasionally, but my son got hooked on Jimmy Neutron. Which sometimes cracks me up. But they all wear on the nerves eventually. Try Tom and Jerry. Classic cartoons beating each other up to music- the best!

  • My 6 yr old would watch SpongeBob here and there but would rather watch something to do with history or Thomas The Tank Engine. It’s bad when you know the theme song all the way through without the music or lyrics infront of you.