Ever since I got home from the screening of “American Ghost Hunter”, strange things have been happening in this house. Yes, I know, I say that all the time! When AREN’T strange things going on in my house?
While I don’t think any of them are REALLY related, I do find it oddly coincidental, and wholly terrible. Maybe Ryan wasn’t so far off base when he looked at me like I had some kind of disgusting growth on my face (ok, ok, he didn’t look at me like that- but you get my point)- ’cause somethin’ ain’t right around here.
It started with the night after the screening. It was around midnight, and I was finishing up getting ready for bed… which means I was sitting on the pot waiting to finish the most drawn out never ending pee known to man (the kind where every time you think you’re done, a little more drips out- making it so you can NEVER get up) when I heard it. Distinct shuffling footsteps right outside the bathroom door. Of course it startled the hell out of me, as I was not expecting to hear footsteps while taking a pee when everyone upstairs with me is asleep- but I do have two little boys who love to wake up when they hear ANYONE come upstairs, so as soon as I could get all the pee out of me, I peered out the bathroom door into the hallway- no one was there. Double checked the boys rooms and they were both sound asleep, and Thomas was still downstairs doing the dishes.
I hurried my ass into the bedroom and flicked the light on as fast as I could. I am just as non-confrontational with ghosts as I am with people.
When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t feel like myself. I’ve felt like shit for a while now thanks to my back, but this was worse; the pain was coming from my head. Just the way to start the day- with a searing headache! During breakfast I noticed something else not quite right… flies buzzing around my head, and a lot of them at that.
I got up and walked around the downstairs only to find flies EVERYWHERE. Clogging the windows, flying around the kids, attempting to puke their insides out onto our food. It was as though a plague had been cast down onto my house.
I spent the next 4 hours swatting furiously at flies, smashing and smearing and whacking them all over the place. It looked like a scene straight out of a horror film. Blood and guts and body parts everywhere.
The amount of dead flies in the house was disgusting, and no matter how many I killed, more appeared. WHERE WERE THEY COMING FROM??
By lunch time, my headache was approaching migraine status and every little obnoxious thing the kids did was about to send me over the edge. It became one of those days where you count down the seconds until nap time. I COULD NOT WAIT!
I made it through lunch without throttling someone, and send Holden upstairs to take a crap (like I always do, otherwise he will shit himself during nap time and hide it in the closet for me to find later), and didn’t realize Parker had gone chasing after him.
When I got upstairs, I found Holden sitting on the potty discussing how he could “feel the poop coming”, and Parker tearing off his underwear like it was on fire.
Ok, so you need to go too.
The last thing someone with a migraine wants to deal with is a swarm of flies and two kids shitting simultaneously.
My kids don’t just crap like normal people- they have to make it a HUGE production every single time. Grunting, red faced pushing, squeaking out farts. I honestly thought I was going to lose it right there. Especially once Parker was done, stood up, and I saw the carnage he left for me in the little potty to clean up.
Semi solid.. my least favorite kind! To top it all off, I ran out of toilet paper halfway through wiping his ass.
I managed to get through that disaster without puking all over myself, but the anvil sitting on top of my eyebrows was just getting heavier and heavier. Once nap time was over, it was a full-force category 5 migraine.
The boys got up, and I just couldn’t get up with them. I put on my sunglasses, laid on the couch, and smothered myself with a pillow just to get every bit of light the HELL away from me.
I spent 6 hours under that pillow, completely miserable; only getting up long enough to pop painkillers and take Parker to the bathroom.
Once I was finally able to lift my head out from underneath the pillow, I saw the HUGEST lego structure I have ever seen outside Downtown Disney. Holden started screaming about how it was “CASTLE LAND!”, effectively making me want to tear out my hair from sharp pain radiating through my head.
Why is it the kids are better behaved when I am completely immobile than when i’m begging them to be quiet? I have no idea, but that damn migraine lasted me all day today as well. And so did the flies. Fucking disgusting flies. There is a pile in the kitchen begging for Thomas to clean it up, because if i’m going to have to whack at them and almost break my industrial strength fly swatter killing those bastards, HE is going to be the one to pick up the corpses.
Footsteps? Plague? Pestilence?
Was all of this radiating off of me like bad body odor when I met Ryan Buell? I may never know- but it sure seems fishy! … Or like a terrible case of BAD LUCK.
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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