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Like taking candy from a baby

Once I went to bed last night here in the hotel and the pillow completely deflated… I had a bad feeling about how today was going to go in general. Yes, because a shitty pillow is a sign of how the next day is going to be; call me crazy. Sometimes I think moms have a super psychic ability when it comes to knowing the days that their kids are going to act like total shitheads…
And it isn’t like I blame them- being cooped up in this room instead of having a 4 bedroom house to tear the shreds can’t be fun for little kids.

There was a lot of crying, a lot of bitching and moaning and fighting over this STUPID airplane toy that I now wish we’d left home just so I didn’t have to hear all the whining about it- and by lunch time I was completely exhausted. Just ready to go HOME, wishing we hadn’t come at all- because while we wouldn’t have had Thomas to help, I can’t even imagine how much more peaceful today would have been. It certainly wouldn’t have had be covered in mouth goop from Parker screaming while eating a PB&J and Holden running circles around this 450 sqft room yelling jibberish and me wanting to jab myself in the ears with a hot poker by noon.

Nap times are a mommy’s best friend- and that is when it got interesting.

I thought for sure I was going to have to rock Parker’s whiny ass to sleep and keep him out in the “living room” with me while Holden slept in the bedroom- but he pointed to the pack & play we have set up and insisted on getting in it.
PSH that’s not gonna last!!!!!!!!!
Every time I have EVER put him down in a separate room to go to sleep by himself, he’s been up in under 5 minutes and come back out with me. Add Holden to this nap time situation and you have a recipe for total disaster.

Whatever- I put them both down and sat on the couch and waited for another epic scream fest or slap fight to break out, and when I heard movement and a whiny little voice I thought
I gotcha! I knew this wasn’t going to work!

I creeped through the double doors to the bedroom and peeked over at Parker, sure it was him- but he was out COLD. Didn’t even budge.
The noise came from Holden. He has been attempting to refuse naps for months now, guess I should have known he’d give me issues here.

He bitched about something or other that I can’t even remember, because per usual, it didn’t make any sense and certainly wasn’t reason enough for him not only to be refusing to nap, but making all kinds of noise while Parker was sleeping in the same room.

I told him what I usually do- if you don’t go to sleep i’m going to make you regret it, and even moreso if you wake your brother up in the process, and then I left.

Not even 10 minutes later, same whiny little voice coming from the room. UGH.

This time he was bitching about not having his stuffed animal that he calls “DooDoo”
Thank you, Holden, for waiting 20 minutes into nap time to realize you didn’t have your stuffed animal. If it was that important, you wouldn’t have gotten into bed without it.

Unfortunately, DooDoo was absolutely NOWHERE to be found. This room is NOT big, DooDoo has disappeared. Maybe he got flushed, I don’t freaking know… all I know is that the longer I searched for it without finding it, the louder his whines got and I wasn’t going to have ANY part of that…

So I did the only thing I could think to do.
“Do you want Parker’s snuggler?”

Sigh, yes, I offered to take Parker’s snuggler from him while he slept. BAD MOMMY!!! BAD!!!
In my defense, when I had checked on him before the missing DooDoo disaster, he wasn’t holding onto the thing so I thought it would be easy to just pull the thing out without disturbing him.
Not so lucky… he had moved while I wasn’t looking and snuggler was under his little arm.

I thought for sure if I was going to be an evil enough person to take away a sleeping baby’s very favorite stuffed animal in the whole world while he was sleeping, that the one I gave it to would fall fast asleep- happy to have the coveted stinky little thing now in his possession.

Since i’d darkened the entire hotel room to make sure no one whined about it being too bright to sleep, I laid down on the couch and got comfy, thinking maybe once my soap was over i’d doze for a little while too, maybe wake up WITHOUT the anvil on my forehead.

It’s then that things really got interesting; and by interesting, I mean weird.

The way I was lying on the couch, the TV is toward my feet and to the right, and at the back of the room (straight eye level) is the bathroom.

As I was watching my show (and weeping like a baby because it’s the last week of it on TV and that makes my heart hurt), I saw something black dart across the doorway to the bathroom.

SHIT! I know I said things follow me, but HERE?! You have to be kidding!

A lot of times in the dark, eyes can play tricks on you when they are adjusting, and since I was watching TV and it was VERY bright, it easily could have been that.
Still, I sat up a little and tried to get a better look, but saw nothing; so after calming myself a little, I settled back down.
It was then that I heard what sounded like heavy breathing coming from the base of the couch/bathroom area. Short, loud puffs of breath.

Had I not peed twice already since nap time had started, I would have peed myself.

I had not heard ANY movement coming from the bedroom, but just to make sure I wasn’t completely effing insane at that point I decided to get up and check Holden’s bed- because this was just too loud and too distinct to NOT be breathing… and if there is breathing in the bathroom of my hotel room and it ISN’T coming from one of the living occupants, my ass is OUT.

Once again I creeped into the bedroom… and wouldn’t you know it- no Holden in bed. WHEW! Heart retreated from my throat.

I walked back around through the living room and creeped into the bathroom- keep in mind I couldn’t see a damn thing.
I heard a hushed, whiny little voice.


“Mommy, I just had to take a doodoo!”

All that heavy breathing? Yeah, that was my kid squeezing out a shit in the dark.

Did you see that one coming??? I swear I should have, because that is the story of my damn life. Poop and the Paranormal.

I can’t wait to go home, y’all! I am excited to see my friend and her little turd, but thrilled to get out of this room and back to being a creature of habit, in my ACTUAL haunted house- and not just one plagued by kids having to shit when they should be sleeping.

Posted on September 19, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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