It would be my suggestion that if you are one of those males who has deluded themselves into believing that women do not burp, fart, poop, or any other disgusting bodily function- that you turn away now to prevent scarring of your brain for the foreseeable future. And to save me the TINY amount of dignity that I have left.
For the women? I assume this is somewhat normal, so I hope that you can laugh and cringe along with me… because this was my first time.
In my entire life, all 27 years, I have NEVER been constipated. Not once. I can remember when I was little watching my Mom writhe and cry on the toilet for hours over constipation issues- but I could never relate. Even when both of my kids had stuffy asses, I felt terrible for them but had no idea what they were going through. If anything, I am typically the opposite of constipated. If there were an Olympic sport for pooping- I would win the gold medal. Who knows if it’s irritable bowel syndrome, or just a stomach that disagrees with everything- I don’t usually go a single day without dropping the kids off at the pool. As disgusting as it is, it’s the norm for me. For years I swore the amount I shit was what kept me so skinny and able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining a pound.
When I was on tour as a musician, I was told by my bus mates that they’d never pooped as much in their lives as they did when I was on the bus; THAT is just how much I pooped- it was contagious.
For the past few days, my stomach has taken a turn for the stuffy. Yesterday, I kept feeling like I needed to go #2, only to sit down and have nothing happen. No big deal, sometimes you feel like you have to go and really it’s still working its way down; it’ll come when it wants to!
Only it didn’t. All day it didn’t. Toward the end of the day I swore there was one ready to release only to sit there an attempt to make it happen, and had to give up because it just wouldn’t.
Today only got worse. ALL morning I felt like I absolutely positively HAD to take a shit. If I didn’t run to the bathroom, I would for sure crap my pants… and I know if I gag at poopy toddler underwear, my own adult sized crap that’s been building up for two days would be the end of me.
I sat down, intent on finally getting this log out of me, and nothing. Nothing at all! You know that feeling you get in your stomach where you no poop is imminent? I had that exact feeling, but no relief from it. I pushed and I pushed until I had broken a sweat. I cursed and yelled like I was trying to give birth- and this shit just would NOT budge.
Suddenly I felt an extreme sadness for everything Parker went through when he was constipated for months, and prayed I wouldn’t have to go to the lengths we had to go to to get him relief- by massaging his tiny little butthole.
I called out to Holden and begged him to bring me my phone, and after a lot of dramatics about how he couldn’t find it, around the corner he came, phone in hand. I texted the one friend that I have that I am fully comfortable with telling her the most disgusting things on the planet and knowing she’ll give me a straight answer without hesitation or laughing at me.
I AM SO CONSTIPATED I CAN’T SHIT, WHAT DO I DO? THE POOP WON’T COME OUT???
She gave me a list of options I had, none of which were in my cabinet, and then I asked her if she thought coffee might do the trick- since I always hear it’s a natural laxative (or… at least… it is for me, but I am clearly not normal in the bowel region).
“Oh yeah, coffee always gives me the shits”
So I gave up before a dozen hemorrhoids erupted and brewed myself a cup.
Sure enough, halfway through, I got that oh-so familiar “gotta go!” feeling, so I went in prepared like a warrior for battle.
After more struggling with no success, I chanted a mantra in my head that I am FOREVER telling Holden to help him shit
“Just reeeeelax, and let the doodoo come out!”
Wouldn’t you know it- it worked. Enough to make me feel human again anyways. I normally avoid looking at my own evacuation, but I looked… and I glared.
Evil shit! How dare you get stuck in me?!?
Like a coward, it did not respond.
Honestly, I still don’t feel quite myself. I fear even attempting to go again, even though I think I need to, because I don’t want to go through the pain and dissatisfaction of having to give up and stay feeling like my colon is full.
Constipation: It’s no damn joke!
I hope tomorrow that I am back to my regularly scheduled poopy programming.
You never know how much you miss pooping until you can’t do it.
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