Well, I had an entire blog post typed up last night, and a damn fine one if I do say so myself, but somewhere between finishing it and publishing it, blogger decided to completely erase it. No autosave, no draft, no nothing. Totally blank. I was livid, too livid to rewrite it, and i’m still really pissed about it now because I had put a lot of work into that post, but the story is so worth telling that I decided to give it a go again anyways.
It dawned on me during the third day of Holden leaking liquid shit into his underwear that perhaps this wasn’t 100% a product of regression on his part. Once I caught him in his 2nd pair of shitty underwear for the day and forced him to sit on the toilet, and when he got up, brown water dripped all over the floor, it seemed more likely that he had a stomach bug and wasn’t just a total asshole.
For the past day Thomas and I had been threatening Holden that if he crapped himself without telling us ONE more time, we’d put him in diapers. I don’t go back on promises, but my attempt to squeeze his large ass into a size 3 diaper failed miserably, so I called Thomas to complain and he joked that perhaps I should put a mentrual pad in Holden’s underwear.
Joking because Thomas thinks I have no pads, and usually I don’t. I sure as hell would never BUY them (not since giving birth and bleeding for 12 weeks straight), as I refuse to sit in what I consider a bloody diaper, but my obsession for freebies has accrued me somewhat of a stockpile of pads. All shapes and sizes and brands. I have enough to last nuclear fallout.
What other choice did I have, really? Anything was better than pulling off a stuck on diarrheaed on pair of underwear from Holden’s bright red baboon looking ass. So I did it. I told him it was either that or a diaper, and he had fought me HARD on the diaper, so for once he relented, and into his boxer briefs went a gigantic menstrual pad.
He immediately ran down the stairs to show off his pad to Parker, and then showed it off again to Thomas once he got home, like it was the coolest thing on earth to be wearing a womens menstrual pad in your underwear because your ass won’t stop leaking liquid shit.
Here’s the thing: IT WORKED! Pads might be awful for soaking up vaginal bleeding, but if you have the shits you just can’t control, THAT is the way to go. Skip the depends, people.
The biggest issue after that seemed to be that Holden LIKED to poop on the pad, as if he was proud of it. Talk about reverse potty training to the fullest extent.
I nipped that in the bud today by only feeding him toast, water, and crackers. He didn’t poop all day… this could be bad later.
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.
10 Ways Childhood is WAY BETTER than Adulthood goo.gl/fb/j0vnoQ