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Delusional Boobs

Just like poop, the topic of my boobs has been covered pretty thoroughly around these parts. Not as much, mind you, but enough for people to know that I have boob issues.
I’ve had infected boob, clogged boob, swollen boob, sad boob- When it comes down to it, my boobs are delusional.

No, they aren’t two different sizes, and I don’t have one nipple that stares at the sky while the other stares at the ground- but the dumb things can’t seem to make up their minds.
One day i’m one size, and the next, i’m a different. It’s made buying bras in the past a serious hassle, because NOTHING seems to fit correctly.

I went out recently in search for a good strapless bra- and no shock- I couldn’t find one to fit me. The closest I could come was a bra that will convert into razorback. Close enough I guess.

The problem is always introduced when it comes to finding the right size and the right color. I measure one size, but when I go to put that size on, the appearance is of someone trying to squeeze into a bra 3 sizes too small. I end up with 4 boobs instead of two. How I can measure that size and NEVER fit into it? Don’t ask me. I don’t get it either.

I always end up going the next cup size up, but that’s really a crapshoot. In the past, that size has fit in the store, but once I get the bra home, it’s too big. Not big enough for anyone but me to notice, but it’s frustrating because I feel like I constantly have to adjust it.
It’s either that or quadruple boob- which would you choose?

This time around was no different. Yet again, I tried on the size i’m supposed to fit into according to the measuring tape, and yet again, I didn’t come close to even fitting into it. The next size up, the crap shoot size, fit perfectly. I loved it! It made my boobs, for once, look outrageously good.

The problem with the crapshoot size? It’s rare. The only colors I can get it in without special ordering it is white, tan, or black. I didn’t want white tan or black.
I swear when I tell people I have to special order my bras they immediately assume that my boobs are a 56GGG, but that isn’t the case! I’m a 32C, and you’d think I was a leper with the flaming hoops I have to go through the get a bra I want in a color I want. Damn small rib cage. If only my waist were that small.
Or even in a color i’m OK with. I couldn’t get any of the colors I liked… I had to settle with hideous, or decent. I went with decent,  and it took a week to get mailed to me.

I half expected to get it and be infuriated by it suddenly being too big, but not the case. I’d venture as far to say that perhaps it’s a little small. There is NO WAY IN HELL I am a D. I don’t even fully believe i’m a C. I’ve always been a card carrying member of the itty-bitty-titty-committee. How I wear a C escapes me.

My boobs should just make up their minds. Your one size, or you aren’t! I don’t have the money to be buying all different sizes for whatever mood my boobs happen to be in on any given day.

Posted on June 25, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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