I’ve been wondering when it would finally happen, when that line drawn so carefully in the sand would finally be crossed… when I would take step into no-mans land, with zero hope of ever going back. That day, my friends, was today.
It shouldn’t have been all that surprising, what with the never ending stomach sickness making its continuous loop around our house, and with my slow decline into insta-gag territory, that one day soon I would stop gagging at disgusting toddler crap, and start puking at it. However, I never expect the first time to be so bad.
Parker’s stomach has been in dire straits for over a week now. He even leaked liquid shit through his diaper and onto our carpet in the beginning. It’s slowly become slightly more solid, but his poop is a fickle beast. That in addition to the stomach gurgles he can’t seem to shake, and you have him squirting out little caterpillar sized diarrhea strands every time he takes a pee.
Because before this, his poop was a consistency that I can only liken to titanium, I always knew when there was one coming, or when he was in the middle of forcing one out on the potty. It was obvious, and it was never pleasant.
With his new found loose-bowels, the poop sneak attacks you. Unless you hear him gassing, you have no idea that he’s unleashed the fury into that tiny little bowl.
It’s disgusting… and i’ll admit to gagging repeatedly, but since i’ve been spray diarrhead, it’s not the worst thing that could happen.
WHat IS the worst thing that could happen is having Parker sit silently on the little potty only to stand up and find that he has FILLED it with semi-solid stool. FILLED!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I have seen some of THE largest turds come out of that child in the past, but never such a large quantity. I had to take a moment to compose myself. What would I do?? I knew I was going to gag, but how could I make this any less of a horrifying situation?
Being the mature adult that I am, I tied a towel around my face. I don’t know what good it does, really… I don’t breathe through my nose when i’m in the bathroom surrounded by fecal stenches… I think the towel is just sort of a mental barricade. Protection. From my eyes and my brain. The less I have to see toddler shit up close, the better.
Yeah well, this time it didn’t help. Mater plan: FAIL. I tried to empty out the 5 lb pile of crap into the regular toilet and it was stubborn and didn’t want to go. It started getting everywhere, and I started heaving. I threw the bowl into the sink and tried to rinse it out, but that only succeeded in clogging the sink, and then shit particles started floating around. I lost it. PUKED. A couple of times. Not much, mind you, but enough to give me the shakes & sweats.
Now there was crap all over the toilet and clogging the sink, but I knew I couldn’t handle it… it was too much for my weak stomach.
Not able to quarantine that bathroom, it being our only one, I called Thomas and begged him to come home… but of course he gave me some dickwad excuse about a meeting. How DARE you leave me to deal with shit!!!
So I called my brother… and he said he’d be over in 40, but of course didn’t show up for an hour and a half. Cleaned the mess right up
I am concerned for my mental wellbeing. Have I now gone so far that I can no longer go back?? Will I now puke at EVERY poop that happens in this house? Is this what my life has become???
God… I hope not. People in this house tend to shit a LOT, and that would be a lot of puking. I feel like I need to wash my brain with bleach just to cleanse myself of that horrible experience, there may be no other way!!!
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.
School system: Here! Have a half day on Friday the 13th! Me: pic.twitter.com/Dy18C8R3dD
Spooking the Kids Without Scarring them for LIFE With Netflix! (and a giveaway!) goo.gl/fb/tkeWgB
I've never felt more in tune with nature than while watching my 8yo barf in the front yard this morning like a wild animal. Such majesty.