Breaking a promise

I know I promised no more poop blogs- and I can tell you that I had REALLY hoped not to write any more for a while. To take a long, needed, and much deserved break from poop- because I am SICK of it!!

Things didn’t quite go that way though. For the past week I have been basically SWIMMING in poop and it shows no signs of letting up any time soon. Oh how I long for the days when Parker was constipated. At least then I wasn’t changing upwards of 20 diapers a day.

Holden is all better. That’s the only positive thing. When a kid doesn’t wear diapers and has the runs, that stuff can go ANYWHERE and usually does. With a diaper, at least the shits can be caught.. at least somewhat.

Never in my life have I seen a child crap as much as Parker has in the past few days. And the kid isn’t eating ANYTHING. Total food refusal. It’s like he has alchemy of the anus and is conjuring up diarrhea out of air for fun. He is the wizard of poop. The kind of crap. The master of mud-butt.

Today tops any disgusting poop story I have ever told- so if you feel like diarrhea talk might turn your stomach tonight- i’d suggest not reading any farther. If you find it funny to laugh at my misfortune- this blog is just for you.
I wish I had something else to write about, but seeing as how every 5 minutes I had to change a swampy diaper, it’s really ALL I did and all I could think about.

It started with the usual- liquid poop out the wazoo. Not fun, but sadly not unusual.

And then it hit. The poop of the century. I had no idea just how bad until I took a peek into Parker’s diaper to assess the damage and just saw it sitting there.. two inches deep. Ugh, i’m getting queasy just typing it.
It was so bad that I knew if I laid him down to change him that it would spread and pour over the edge of the changing table. So I had to pull it off of him standing up. Once I got him cleaned up, 4 wipes later, I realized I couldn’t just bundle it up like a regular diaper and toss it in the can- it was just too full.. and while Luvs doesn’t lie when it says it contains blowouts, it did NOT absorb the sheer quantity of crap sitting in there.

I had to do the worst thing i’ve ever had to do. I took it over to the toilet and dumped it out. And it felt like it was pouring into the toilet forever. Never have I dry heaved and gagged so much in my life. Keeping my eyes closed and breathing out of my mouth was NOT helping my plight. The sound of it alone was enough to make the strongest stomach knot and gag.

You might think it couldn’t get any worse from there. That HAS to be the worst thing that could happen. Wrong.

After Parker adamantly refused lunch, he took a very restless nap. I could hear his stomach turning as he slept and he STILL stank from the monster craps he’d already taken.

Once he woke up, I took him to the bathroom as I always do to relieve himself. I should have expected him to need to explode.. but all he did was let out a wet toot. He insisted on getting up, so I let him.. and he stood holding on to the sink while I reached to get his diaper to put back on him, and started to scream for no apparent reason. He can be cranky when he wakes up so I didn’t think much of it when I heard it- BRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP.. and I found my legs, the floor, and the bathroom carpet SOAKED in liquid baby shit. I screamed probably louder than i’ve ever screamed in my life. Horrified. It was everywhere. As if I hadn’t already gagged enough, now I gagged even more. Paper towel does not absorb liquid diarrhea. It just spreads it around. Cleaning it up was nearly impossible, and quite possibly the most disgusting thing i’ve ever had to do. Tore my pants off, tried to clean up the floor, and threw the pants and the rug straight into the wash.

After that I think I was just numb to the poop. Nothing could compare to being spackled with diarrhea. He may have crapped something like 15 times after that, WITHOUT EATING ANYTHING, and it did not phase me.

I’ve become immune to it, y’all. That’s how bad it’s gotten. How can such a little person expel so much crap without eating any food?? It makes no logical sense!

Oh, did I mention that during nap time Holden decided to crap and then grab it in his hand and CARRY it to the bathroom instead of holding it and releasing it into the toilet? ‘Cause that totally happened. Icing on the cake.

I’m thinking my next move should be to invest in a baby butt plug. Then I can choose when he shits and WHERE the shit will go. Sounds like a million dollar idea.

Posted on February 3, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Oh my gosh! That sounds soooo unpleasant!! Ok, that’s an understatement, it sounds absolutely horrifying! You are wonder woman for dealing with all that shit the way that you did! I would have screamed, vomited, and then proceed to hide in a corner in the fetal position until someone came to rescue me.

  • I wanted to do just that! I actually begged Thomas to come home before I sold Parker on Craigslist for $10, but he refused.
    My throat hurts from heaving so much!