On a typical weekend night, Thomas and I will sit on the couch.. watch tv or browse the web on our laptops, and have a few drinks of the spirited kind.
While i’ve been known to somehow manage to have too much, or maybe just didn’t eat a big enough dinner- and find myself sloppy drunk, it doesn’t happen very often. I know my limits! I don’t like to puke… at all. And I don’t like being hung over the next day since I have kids to take care of, so after a certain number of drinks I know it’s time to cut myself off.
It seems that whenever we have people over though.. I ALWAYS lose track of how much i’ve had. I guess just having people around, having fun.. and the fact that i’m rarely around other adults- I go overboard. Every. Single. Time.
There is a very thin, very fine line from happily buzzed/somewhat drunk to total word slurring, crawling on the floor asshat. I wish I could say I never cross that line.. especially not in front of anyone but Thomas. I’m not that lucky!
Last night I had two lady friends come over.. and like the lame-o that I am, we played Bananagrams and card games. We were all drinking and having a good time- and just like every other time I lost track of how many drinks i’d had. I went from feeling just fine- to not being able to sit up. I laid down on the floor.. and like an old woman who broke her hip- I couldn’t get back up. I tried as hard as I could and it just wasn’t happening. I knew then that game night was over. I decided the best thing to do would be to just get my drunk ass into bed, but I couldn’t get up in order to walk there.. so making even more of an ass of myself- I crawled.
Once I finally got myself into bed, my stomach instantly began to turn.. and I knew I needed to puke. Great! Even more embarrassing!
Thomas ran to the kitchen and grabbed me a pot.. and BLEEEHHH. I was done for. It was only a half puke, but it was enough to be totally mortifying. I fell right asleep after that, and while I woke up feeling decent physically.. all I could think about was what an ass I made of myself.
I sent out apologetic texts for my ridiculous behavior, and of course my friends understood, but my ego is definitely bruised.
Next time, i’m bringing out a pen and paper and marking my drinks down and cutting myself OFF to avoid further humiliation. I’m holding everyone else to it- do not make me another drink! ESPECIALLY if I get the hiccups- that is a sure fire sign that Jenny is going to be puking if you put another drink in her hand. Don’t do it!
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times