Jeggings: an infernal contraption

Jeggings. Seriously, even typing it makes me feel a tad ridiculous. Saying it out loud? Like a complete moron.
What diabolical madman came up with Jeggings.. and then made them to never be able to fit me? I’d like to know so I can punch him in the head.

Let’s get one thing straight: I hate leggings. I think they’re ridiculous. I personally feel like spandex should be a privilege and not a right- but I know some of my friends find them highly fashionable, and it makes it easier to wear a short skirt in cold weather. BLAH BLAH! I know all this, but leggings make me feel like i’m back in elementary school wearing the poofy hot pink and black polka dotted skirt with the day-glo neon green tights that ended right above the knee, finished off with some black lace.
Come on, if you were a young female in the late 80’s/early 90’s, you wore that same damn outfit! Don’t try to pretend you didn’t! And you probably wore that outfit with either jellies, or the shoes that lit up every time you took a step. What the hell is the name of those shoes.. LA Lights.
That was the “IT” outfit.

Even I have trouble believing that, but it’s the truth.

Yeah.. i’d rather not revisit those days of fashion horror!

Still, when you hear about Jeggings, as absurd as the name is, the idea doesn’t sound so awful. Jeans.. that are as comfortable as leggings. Or maybe they are leggings that look just like jeans. Either way- as a mom who chases my kids around the house for 9 hours a day, all the while pulling up my pants, sucking in, getting those hideous red indent marks around my midsection- the idea of being able to wear jeans that would stretch along with me instead of predominantly displaying my crack sounds like a fabulous idea!

Well, it’s too bad the creator of jeggings is a masochistic, mother hating freak!

I may have my issues with my own body, but I know i’m not some huge mammoth roving land beast. I don’t have problems finding things that are in fashion in my size.

Jeggings know no size. They do not play by that rule. Their one goal is to make you feel as fat as humanly possible.

My first experience attempting to find a pair of jeggings should have been my last, if only i’d learned!
I ordered a pair offline along with some tops, in my usual size. A size that typically is a tad big on me, but it’s better safe than sorry, right?

Once I got the package in the mail, I went to try the jeggings on, only to find that it not only took me a lot of jumping around like a total idiot just to get them up, but that the buttnoning process was out of a nightmare. We’re talking muffin tops the size of texas, y’all. All the way around. I would have had to have a girdle on for those things to close without spillage.. and without fear of the button popping off and taking out someone’s eye.
Angry, I took them back the first chance I got and just grabbed the next size up. That should fit right? HAHA! WRONG!
I swear those things seemed like a size SMALLER. How is this possible to get a size UP and for the pants to be even tighter than the previous pair?

I thought to myself, well, it must be the brand of jeans. They’ve never quite fit me right. And I returned them and kept my damn money.

That should have been when I gave up on jeggings.. but recently I got an American Eagle gift card in the mail and thought a nice new pair of jeans would be nice to have.

Horror of all horrors when I walked in to find that over 50% of American Eagle’s jeans have turned into jeggings.
Since AE and I have had such a solid history of being able to find jeans that fit, and fit well- I thought i’d give it another shot.
This time I tried them on first. I got my size, AND the size up.. just to be safe.

No.. and No.

It’s not that they didn’t fit.. well… actually I guess that depends on your definition of fitting.

They just looked wrong. ALL kinds of wrong.

Jeggings want you to think I have the most monstrous saddle bags ever to roam the earth. Jeggings want you to think that if you get within a foot of me, my saddle bags will knock you to the ground. Jeggings want you to think my saddle bags get places before I do..
Only I don’t have saddle bags. I’m actually quite proud of my thighs. Jeggings ruined that for me.

And then comes the butt area. Ohhh my poor butt. It may not be as high as it used to be, but it’s still hangin’ up there. It’s still got some shape to it.. I work out 5 days a week!
Well, Jeggings make me look like I have pancake ass. Negative ass. Frumpy horse butt.

Unless you have the perfect round bubble ass of every woman’s jeans, or unless you plan on wearing a shirt long enough to cover your ass every time you wear them- Jeggings are not made for you. They aren’t like normal jeans, there is no support to help your ass out, give it a lift, a high five, make it look 5 years younger. They are lightweight and breezy, which is what attracted me to them in the first place.. but also made me run in the opposite direction as fast as humanly possible.
I will NOT be looking like I have frumpy horse butt and saddle bags the size of Texas ANY time in the near future. Hopefully ever!

What mom has pencil legs and a high, perky, bubbly butt? No Moms I know. I know a lot of GREAT looking moms, don’t get me wrong, but not damn many that could pull off a pair of Jeggings.

What’s that you say? You are one of those moms?

Well.. you and your jeggings can go jump off of a cliff!

Posted on January 13, 2011 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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