This morning during snack time, my phone started to ring. Unusual in itself, since the only people who ever call my phone before noon are telemarketers and bill collectors (and very rarely Thomas, though we usually just text unless it’s an emergency). Even more unusual was that it ended up being my brother. My brother NEVER calls me. Since our falling out of sorts, we rarely ever speak. The last time I talked to him was when he sent me a random ass text message saying that he had a dream that I was pregnant with a little girl, and was naming her Cherie. That gave me a good laugh. As if I would ever name a little girl Cherie!
I picked up the phone and he just says “HEY!” LET’S GO TO THE BOUNCE HOUSE!” while his kid yelled about Holden in the background.
For those that don’t know- the “Bounce House” concept is relatively new.. at least to me. According to some people I live under a rock, so perhaps i’m behind the times.
What it is, for anyone who does not know, is a space, usually in a strip mall, full of an assortment of inflatable bounce houses for your kids to break their necks in. I kid, I kid.
It’s heaven for children.
There’s only one that I know of around here, and I think it’s only been in business for about a year- but i’ve just never considered it as a place to go. Not really in a particularly nice area.. and the thought of trying to keep an eye on Holden while simultaneously keeping Parker happy sounds like a nightmare.
Somehow today, Biff talked me into it. Or more like his kid did. “I want Holden to go to the bounce house!”
How can you say no to that?
I got the boys dressed and out the door in record time.. and then sat in the parking lot and waited for Biff, because Biff is always late.
When we finally walked in the door I was surprised.. and not surprised at the same time.
Not only was it ridiculously expensive for about 7 inflatable bounce houses, but it was also a tad… creepy.
Allow me to give you a visual. We were the only ones in the whole place, so all you could hear was the whirring of air pumps. Loud would not begin to describe it.
While the houses for kids 3 and up looked pretty fun.. 3 and under bounce houses left a LOT to be desired.
There was a room off to the side labeled “UNDER 3”.. and when you walked in, it looked like something straight out of a horror film.
A sad little play kitchen, a worn out walker, and two mini bounce houses. The whole room was dark because most of the fluorescent lighting over head had long since burned out, and there was a set of concrete (aka dangerous) stairs leading up to God only knows where.
Would I want to leave my little one in that room? Absolutely not.. unless I never wanted to see him again.
The boys were off and running, with Biff not far behind. Climbing, bouncing, screaming.. but Parker was having no part of ANY of it. I held him and clumsily climbed into one of the bounce houses and started lightly jumping around with him and he dug his nails into my arms so hard that they left marks. He hated it.
I wanted him to have fun with the boys- but it looked like he was going to be glued to me for the entire time we were there.
About 35 minutes in, he finally let me put him down and sure enough- started having a blast. He watched as my brother knocked over Holden and Preston, bounced up and down on his knees, crawled all over the place and laughed hysterically.
After that he was absolutely insatiable. He wanted to do EVERYTHING. He was not pleased when I informed him we had to stop playing so he could eat, since it had gotten so far past lunch time that I just couldn’t let him wait anymore.
Wouldn’t you know it- the ghetto Bounce House didn’t have any high chairs. How can you cater to 3 and under without a SINGLE high chair in the whole place?
“Well, we do have a walker in the under 3 room!”
Yes, because i’m going to stick my child into that death contraption and attempt to feed him.
I decided it would be best to just hold him in my lap and feed him. Went better than I thought- but he was incredibly jealous that the other boys still got to play and he didn’t.
He finished in record time and instantly wanted to play again. I feared him vomiting all over the bounce houses, smearing it all over himself and me.. but I just couldn’t tell the kid no.
Let me tell you, crawling in bounce houses meant for small children after a 15 month old is a lot harder than it seems.
The amount of plastic burn I have on my body from multiple trips down a 10 foot plastic slide is not only painful and hideous, but a little embarrassing to explain. What do people think when you say ‘plastic burn’?
I still think it’s incredibly over priced and a little child molester creepy in its lack of ambiance, but the boys had a good time. And on the bright side- as long as Parker isn’t walking, he’s free!
Plus when we got home, everyone was so tired that we ALL slept until past 4. No arguments or fighting.. dead sleep. Ahhhh, feels good. The best kind of kid is a sleeping one, right??
Winning Advice from an 8-year old goo.gl/fb/MmhfYU
Y'know what's awesome? I don't even have to waste time trying new recipes because my kids will tell me they hate it before I start cooking.
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.