An epidemic is beginning to explode. One more person drops to its will and I may have to reclassify this horrible outbreak as a pandemic. The whole nation should be on red alert. Wear masks, avoid bodily contact with strangers- especially those looking a little green in the face and bloated in the belly. That is the first sign of infection.
This is not the first time a wave of this … sickness.. has swept through the country. Every few years it seems to happen. And it only effects the women folk.
Yes, I am talking about the pregnancy wave. In the past 24 hours alone, 3 people I know have come down with the baby bug. And more are sure to follow. Once a few fall victim, it’s only a matter of time before 100 more are effected. Unborn babies plan this in advance, i’m sure of it. So they can all be born at once and have other drooling screaming babies to play with.
If you’re looking to get knocked up- this is the perfect time to do the dirty. Wombs are just aching to be full of baby.
If you’re like me and are attempting to avoid this epidemic altogether? Steer CLEAR of the water supply.. there’s clearly something in it. Pretend you’re in Mexico and stick to bottled. Put on a chastity belt. Beat off your boyfriend or husband with a stick. Join a convent. Otherwise there may be no hope for you.
Even with depo turning my insides to fatty mush, and the lack of the dirty being done thanks to that- I still don’t feel full safe. No one is in the clear! I’m still convinced that I got swept up in the last wave without my consent. Pod people? Body snatchers? Alien face hugger? Contaminated baby water? Beware all of them! Otherwise soon you’ll be finding yourself green in the face and bloated in the tummy.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.