Does my life revolve around poop? Sometimes it sure feels that way! Not a week goes by that there’s not some poop catastrophe. And the very rare weeks that do? They end up feeling like something is missing. As though there’s a special place in my heart just for poop disasters. Sad? Maybe. Funny? Definitely.
Perhaps my misfortunes happen just to make other people laugh.. and myself as well. If you can’t be self deprecating (I really wanted to type defecating but refrained)- what’s the fun in life?
So TADA!!! Just for your reading pleasure- the poop disaster of the week.
Since Parker’s eating habits have changed a lot over the past few weeks- i’ve had to arrange everything else to work around them. No big deal, really.
He used to wake up, attempt a bottle (typically FAIL), hang out for a while.. get another bottle around 9:30 and then take a nap in his swing. I’d attempt to exercise during that time- but more often than not Holden would wake him up and depending on how long he’d been asleep i’d either have to stop my work out or just let him be awake early which lead to a LOT of whining before the next nap.
Now he wakes up, gets solids instead of a bottle and then a bottle about an hour or hour and a half later at 9am.. and wants to sleep then instead of later. Ok, I can’t argue with a nap- but he’s been refusing to let me put him in his swing to sleep, which means I have to hold him. I did it with Holden, so it isn’t like I really mind all that much- but it does mean I have to hold off working out until he wakes up.. AND it means Holden is left mostly to his own devices for around an hour.
Holden doesn’t really misbehave when he knows I can’t chase him down- but he’s taken it upon himself to hold his poop. He’s pooped after breakfast like clockwork for probably over a year now and suddenly he starts telling me that he in fact does NOT have to poop after breakfast anymore. I don’t have time like I used to before Parker came around to force him to sit on the potty until he goes- plus I actually trust him not to crap his pants anymore.
Now, instead, he waits until Parker is sound asleep in my arms to tell me he has to poop. Can I put him down and take Holden to the bathroom to make sure poop doesn’t go everywhere? Nope! So he has to go alone. This hasn’t gone so poorly in the past, he goes, comes out, I pull his pants up and clean out the crap from the potty once Parker is awake.
Today was a day unlike any other. Once again, he informed me he had to go after Parker was asleep on me- went, came back out with no problems.
It was only a few minutes later that the smell hit me. This has never happened before. It was INTENSE. I started thinking maybe Parker crapped his pants in his sleep.. but their poops have distinctly different smells.. or stenches I should say. This was definitely a Holden poop permeating the air around me.
I have long since mastered the art of breathing through my nose in order not to gag during diaper changes and potty dumps… but I could not get away from this smell. It was EVERYWHERE. Visions of a bathroom smeared in toddler crap started going through my head. I had no idea how else the smell could be so awful.
And then he looks at me and says matter of factly: “It smells like poop in here Mommy.”
Thank you Captain Obvious for that astute observation!
Finally, after giving myself cotton mouth from attempting to breathe through my mouth for an hour- Parker wakes up and I make the venture into the bathroom, afraid of what I might find.
Luckily, it was nothing unusual except for a turd or two on top of the potty instead of in it. What the hell did he eat to create that foul offending smell??
It was so bad at that point that I had to spray the entire house down with air freshener so that I could breathe without gagging.
And as soon as I got the air to my liking, guess who decides to take a massive crap in his pants? Parker. Gee thanks, baby! Now there was yet another disgusting smell to deal with.. and there was no holding back that gag. I’d been holding it in for too long. Just couldn’t handle any more. I literally had to close my eyes and wipe the crap off of Parker’s ass to avoid vomiting all over him.
A crappy day for sure.. which was only capped off by Parker vomiting straight down my shirt.
A story for any mom who has ripped the ass out of her pants because she hasn't replaced them in forever, using the excuse "well the kids need pants more than me" holdinholden.com/2018/02/i-ri…
Acting like they're never coming back. pic.twitter.com/MknDuwtDtm
LIVE on Twitch tonight! Come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
I Ripped the Ass out of my Pants goo.gl/fb/fcStPt
@BrentWalshITM Your show in RVA is the first time considering taking one of my minis to a rock show and I figured you'd know better than any- safe for a 10 yr old or wait a few years? He loves y'all but I don't think he can handle a thrashing
My kids do this funny thing where they give me all kinds of attitude in the morning while forgetting I have access to their toothbrushes while they're at school.