In case you may not have picked up on it, sometimes I write blogs bitching and complaining about certain things not for my own benefit (well, not entirely) but so that SOMEONE might be able to find some humor in a horrible story.
This is one of those.
Tonight is my Dad’s usual night to come over and visit with us and the boys. It being Thomas’ birthday tomorrow, it’s usually tradition for my Dad to take us (or whoever’s birthday it happens to be) out for dinner with other various family members if they so choose to join.
Well, I forgot to schedule the dinner until the last second, so we didn’t really invite anyone else but my Dad and my brother works nights.
At this point, you may be thinking “Oh this is going to be a horrible restaurant story. Screaming children, throwing food, messed up orders, the works”..
and if you’re thinking that- you’re wrong.
The dinner went just peachy. The kids were as well behaved as they could be. The food wasn’t as good as last time but it was still tasty.. Parker was actually smiling at my Dad instead of going into hypersonic hysterics.
It wasn’t until we had both boys in their carseats and were about to leave that it turn a serious down turn. My Dad was saying goodbye to Holden through the open window on Parker’s side of the car- bless his heart, didn’t know that just by making a funny voice at Holden that it was going to absolutely terrify Parker. INSTANT red face, open mouth, no sound.
We figured he’d calm himself down a little once we got moving.. and that’s where we made the big mistake. He did not calm down. He only got more and more hysterical as the car ride went on (and we were only 10, MAYBE 15 minutes from home). No attempts to calm him from the front seat were working.
Then I hear Holden say “Parker’s puking!”
Sure enough, I look in the mirror and Parker has vomit pouring out of his mouth. And the more he pukes, the more upset he gets, and the more he pukes some more. Eventually he had completely drenched himself and the carseat in orange chunky baby puke and was coughing and gagging- and i’m screaming at Thomas to pull over.
We finally get to the nearest gas station and pull in and I basically jumped out of the car while it was still moving, fling open the back door and am horrified and disgusted by the amount of vomit filling up the seat Parker is sitting in. There goes the carseat! I mean really, I didn’t think there was any recovering from that kind of damage.
Luckily in the baby bag we have this entire tub of weird baby washcloth like wipes that we got from the Children’s hospital (they smell like a hospital.. antiseptic.. ugh. We never use them) that are pretty good at scrubbing things.. so I just started scrubbing Parker down as quickly as possible, just enough to be able to pick him up without saturating myself in vomit and then vomiting myself.
Of course, I missed some.. or a lot. I could feel the baby puke soaking through the shirt I had JUST put on before we left to look presentable in public. Plus he drooled thick pukey spit all over my shoulder while I was cuddling him.
He calmed down pretty much instantly, as he always does. But as soon as I went to put him back in his seat it was instant hysterics again.
And it was that way the entire rest of the ride home.
I felt like once we got home, all would be well. The disaster would be over, no more crying.. no more puking. And I was right on that count. Due to the pulling over and baby cuddling, we were running over 30 minutes late for shower time so I try to rush and get all of my crap together to shower with the boys when Thomas announces he needs to take a crap.
it’s at that point that I realize I smell like a mix of baby vomit and seafood. It seriously has to be one of the most foul combinations on earth. I could not WAIT to get in the shower and vigorously scrub myself.. but Thomas wasn’t done.
Minutes go by and finally I hear him spraying the air freshener for at least a minute straight.. and then I have to go in and try to get myself clean when I know the air is not going to smell that way.
It was so bad in fact, that I had to breathe through my mouth for over half of my shower while Parker blew bubbles on my shoulder.
Can NO birthday ever go right?? With mine we had a serious snow storm, and sickness all around..
And now massive amounts of baby vomit and poo smelling bathrooms.
Maybe i’ll just never have another birthday and all will be ok!
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If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times