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"You’ll look back on this and laugh…"

Have you ever been told that when you’re in a situation that either pisses you off or crushes you.. and just wanted to punch the person who said it square in the face?

If I counted on both hands, all 10 fingers, the amount of times i’ve been told that in my life time- it wouldn’t be enough. And not a single time did I believe it.
Being in the heat of the moment is a far different experience than witnessing a situation from the outside, or even a few years down the line.

It’s similar to looking at old pictures of our fashion choices when we were younger.
A poofy skirt, a long shirt with a belt on it, leggings, shoes that light up with wacky laces? Are you KIDDING? And the BANGS! OOHHH THE BANGS! Sadly a lot of that crap is back in style and baffles me but that’s beside the point.

As much as I didn’t think I would.. as unsure I was of how i’d feel this very moment a year ago- here I am, laughing at how ridiculous I was during my pregnancy with Parker.

All I EVER wanted was one little girl. I got Holden and was so angry I could hardly see straight. I would roll my eyes at those who told me that once he was born I ‘wouldn’t have it any other way’.. and I caught some serious heat for it.
Of course, all those people were right because once Holden was born, I couldn’t ever imagine him being anyone else.

And then it happened again. And the anger was even more intense. Especially with a pregnancy I didn’t plan and one I wasn’t sure I even wanted (i’ve always been honest about that fact). I suppose I thought if I could keep my head up and go through a pregnancy that was unplanned and wasn’t sure we could afford, and threw EVERYTHING through a loop- that in a way I deserved a girl. Didn’t get one, obviously. And I was MAD. Not as hysterical as I thought i’d be but MAD.
I even wrote blog entries about how I was sure i’d get over it by the time he was born, but not for the time being. I needed to vent. And once I vented, although I was still ticked- I never did again.
Regardless- I caught even MORE heat. You get the people telling you that you should just wish for health, and what about the people that can’t have babies “you should be grateful you can even GET pregnant” and “I feel sorry for your baby” and all kinds of ridiculous crap like that.

I’ve been through gender disappointment twice. Both times i’ve lived through and gotten over it. And though I know that almost every sane person will get past it and love their child like they wanted that specific gender to begin with- I still know how REAL it feels when you’re right there. When you’ve been hoping for nothing but a little boy or girl for SO long only to get that ultrasound and not see the right genitalia floating in the fluid. It’s a crushing blow.

Never would I judge someone who feels anything like what I felt, because it is NORMAL and it is real.. and venting about it is completely healthy.. but I do have to look back at my own situation and laugh because it’s so far from what I feel now.
Never in a MILLION years would I change Parker. Not even if some magic fairy came floating her fat ass down and gave me the option to go back in time and change Parker or Holden into a girl would I do it.
Even if she promised that girl would be the healthiest girl on earth, or even a healthy different boy- I wouldn’t change it.
It’s funny how I wasn’t sure i’d ever be able to say that. I wasn’t sure I could love another child as much as Holden. I wasn’t sure we had the time. I was afraid another baby would ruin Holden’s life.

Do I ever think about what it would be like without Parker? Yes. I won’t lie or make excuses for it. Life would be a lot easier without Parker. I could sleep in, I wouldn’t have to deal with ridiculously difficult bottles or whiny babies or rocking anyone to sleep. Who wouldn’t think about it, just to think about it? Again, i’d never go back and change the situation. Parker is amazing, and he is absolutely Holden’s best friend on the face of the earth.

When I have friends who are hoping so badly for a certain gender, while i’m still supportive- I always remind them of what i’ve been through.. because i’ve definitely been there. You DO get over it (although i’ve heard of people saying to their babies “I wish you were a boy/girl instead” which makes me sad).
Hell, i’m so over it that I already have a name for another boy if we ever decide to get pregnant again (IF! BIG IF!) because i’ve come to terms with that i’ll probably only ever give birth to children having penises. It’s all a 50/50 shot. None of those methods really work, none of those predictive tests are more than 50% accurate (which isn’t hard to do since there’s only two genders).. Just gotta go with the flow and take what you’re given!

I just think it’s funny, not only how I thought it was the end of the world- but how much heat I caught for something so silly, something that is a totally natural reaction. Although now I do understand when people say “I just hope the baby is healthy” instead of hoping for a gender- even if I think they’re full of crap (I think everyone at least HOPES for a certain gender, even if they don’t get particularly disappointed when they don’t get it).. because if I could go back, I would definitely hope for a healthy baby instead of a girl.

Feel it, vent it out.. do what you need to do. Just know that when that slimy ball of flesh comes plopping out of you- you won’t care anymore if it has a penis of vagina- just that it’s alive, breathing & healthy.

Posted on May 22, 2010 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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