Thinking about it, the blog post totally is probably totally inappropriate and instantly makes all minds go to the gutter- but let’s attempt to not be filthy for 5 seconds and remember that this is a blog about small children.
So here we go!
Never a day goes by that I don’t get some sort of baby bodily fluid on me. NEVER. Every day is puke/spit up/ drool, every other day is poop on my hands, and occasionally Parker fire hoses pee all over me.
Today was a day unlike any other. A gross horrific baby excrement day.
It started out with a ton of drool mixed with spit up. It soaked the entire front and back of his shirt at one point. Then he drank his sippy and choked on the water and puked all down the back of his neck and shirt and highchair. Then he ate a Mum Mum and decided to smear the chunks all over his face. I was fully aware by that point that it would be pointless to even attempt to change his shirt because the next one would just end up getting disgusting too, so he might as well just stay in the same one and be nasty than get a bunch of shirts chunky and smelly. As a first time mom, with Holden, I changed him multiple times per day and kept him in bibs constantly. Once you realize it does no good, you just sort of give up and let your kid be the crusty boogered drool soaked child and live with it happily.
Then came the onslaught of antibiotic poo.. which no matter how many wipes I used still managed to smear itself onto my hands. Ew.
And although he didn’t lava vomit his fruits like usual (SCORE!) about 45 minutes after eating them, he was sitting in my lap and decided to chunky puke all over my legs. One of those “AW! C’MON!!!” moments.
Nap time proved to be an unusually wet time. It’s warm in this house, i’ll say that much- but not enough for this kid to sweat so much while sleeping that his shirt turned a different color and I was constantly wiping off his head. On a normal day I only have to wipe his head once after the beads form and they never form again. I counted at least 6 wipes of his sweaty little head- which caused his tiny amount of hair to stick up in this weird alfalfa like position for the rest of the day.
Even while awake he was still sweating. Just a (and I hate this word but it fits) moist child. I was wearing far more clothes than him and i’m an overactive gland type of person and not even I was sweating. For a split second I thought “well maybe he’s sweating out whatever weird infection he has”.. but that’s just the crazy in me talking.
Holden begged for Holden to play on the floor with him.. where Parker created a gigantic puddle of drool and then rolled cars around in it (since he’s obsessed with them too) for 20 minutes, spreading it into what could be considered the size of a small lake.
I wish it ended there.. but it only got worse. Not only with the drool.. but somehow he managed to sneak a poop by us at dinner time. Sneaky little turd.
Thomas got into the shower and I carried Parker around waiting for him to be ready to take him and wash the Mum mum chunks out of his neck folds.. and finally when Thomas was ready he took him and made a comment similar to “Ew you smell like butt.”
It wasn’t until I came back to take Parker OUT of the shower so Thomas could finish his business that I noticed the diaper i’d taken off of him was soaked in crap. No wonder he smelled like butt.. and I had the kid NAKED on me.
Sure enough, poop all over my shirt.. and when I sniffed it to make sure- it got on my nose. OH THE HORROR!!!!!!!
Poop on your hand is one thing, but poop ON YOUR NOSE?! Oh hell no. Now if I breathe in too deeply I can still smell the faint odor of baby shit. Lovely.
Maybe tomorrow i’ll turn on the AC and let him have icicle fingers, even though it isn’t particularly warm outside. Maybe it will dry him up a tad. Maybe then I won’t get every form of excrement on me all in one day.
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.
School system: Here! Have a half day on Friday the 13th! Me: pic.twitter.com/Dy18C8R3dD
Spooking the Kids Without Scarring them for LIFE With Netflix! (and a giveaway!) goo.gl/fb/tkeWgB
I've never felt more in tune with nature than while watching my 8yo barf in the front yard this morning like a wild animal. Such majesty.