I had this all planned out

And then the screaming started.. and didn’t end. And now my whole wonderful blog post I had outlined in my head is gone. Funny how a screaming child can completely blank your mind out.

Even if I could remember everything I wanted to type, I don’t think i’d be in a good enough mood to type it. To be funny, you either have to be REALLY ticked, or really happy. I’m just done. Done is not a funny blog post. Done is an angry blog post. Big difference.

Lately i’ve been holding back a little bit around here because of internet drama, and the fact that other than poking fun I personally like to stay out of it. I’ve been harassed, lied about, and torn apart all for the amusement of others- and I haven’t said a word. It just hasn’t been worth my time to fully address the ridiculousness of the situation.

It’s really easy to talk shit when you can hide behind a computer screen. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, right?

People seem to think they’re better than everyone else, know better, are more knowledgeable on ALL subjects. I still won’t address the situation in full, because it’s still not worth it. And I thought if I just let it be long enough, these people would get bored and move on to harassing someone else.. didn’t work that way.
I do have ONE thing to say while i’m on the subject though, one thing that bothers me enough to clear up.

There’s this pesky little rumor about me supposedly making some comment about some girl I don’t even know’s child and “hoping” the kid “has autism” and “she’d deserve it”
I thought it was a joke at first, sort of like I thought the whole CPS thing was a joke (and I have proof for those who think it didn’t happen, and proof of the complaint i’ve filed against the person who reported me for filing a false claim)- I might not like a parent, but the LAST thing i’d do is talk shit about their kid. Especially autism, considering I have family members who are autistic, and friends who have autistic children. Not my style. My style is more to wish herpes on someone. An adult. Never a child. And i’d word it “the clap.”- but I didn’t.

I asked where all these rumors came from and heard that the girl claiming I said it about her child “heard it from someone else, couldn’t say who” .. and once she realized people were questioning that, considering I have screen shots of all the lovely things she and others have said about me, she changed her story. Now suddenly it’s a voicemail.
At that point I just had to laugh. It’s so absurd. I’d like to hear this supposed voicemail, but I bet either it’s ‘deleted’, or sounds nothing like me. Funny how that works. Would you like to see my phone records? Or would that not be enough, because then someone would claim I made the call from a pay phone, as if those even exist anymore. The absurdity goes on and on.

I realize that saying all of this won’t help anyone who is already “against” me to realize that they’ve been believing a bunch of horseshit from the very beginning. Most people are far too stubborn or prideful to admit when they’re wrong.. or just want someone to tear apart to make themselves feel better- but I felt like it needed to be said.
No, the autism comment was never made. Never happened. Would never happen.
Do I care if you disagree with my choices as a parent, and the fact that I chose to follow 9 doctors instructions? No. Not at all. I did what was right not only in my opinion, but in the opinions of all the doctors we have seen. If that’s not what you would do in my situation, that’s you- not me.
BUT- to only be roped into this ridiculous unnecessary drama by a big fat fabricated lie (and not just twisted truth like everything else that’s been spewed all over the place lately)? That’s just stupid to me. I like proof before deciding. I like saying “Screen shot or it didn’t happen!”
Clearly others don’t.

I’m sure this will give those who feed and thrive off of drama just one more thing to bitch about, and I don’t really care. Me NOT saying anything didn’t help, so why not speak my mind?
Oh, and just an FYI: you can’t tell if your child does or does not have autism at 6 months old. So the little karma comment doesn’t exactly apply, expert. Not only because I didn’t ever say it, but because it isn’t diagnoseable (that’s not a word but it works) until 18 months of age. Sad to make those claims about your child, clearly she must be worried about it to say that other people are wishing it on her kid when they aren’t, and to go as far as to say her kid DOESN’T have it, as if that’s able to be diagnosed at this age.

So believe what you want, even if there’s proof to the contrary, even if you know deep down it isn’t true. That’s on you, not me. I have no guilt about anything i’ve done. Hope you can say the same at the end of the day.

Back on subject- i’m not going to be scared to post about Parker anymore. I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m doing everything possible to get him help. Unfortunately, everything possible just isn’t enough.
He’s yet again decided that bottles just aren’t for him, and every day for the past 4 days he’s eaten less and less- when he was on the verge of being 100%. This includes solids. Fruit? Every single one but mango gets puked back up. Veggies? although his stomach.. or whatever, seems to tolerate them- he’s been refusing those lately too. Or puking them up.

The first thing we did was to call the doctor. Who finally called back only to say she wouldn’t see him for another week of refusing bottles. Way to go, Doc. If he keeps going at the rate he’s going, he’ll be back to eating absolutely nothing at that point and lose all the weight he’s gained (that is already being bitched about by the doctor) and we’ll be back at square 1. I can’t see how that’s acceptable, so once again, we’re going to try and make an appointment with the GI without a referral. At this point I don’t know what good it will do, but I want EVERY test ran.. again.. After almost 4 months of being “sick”, something eventually has to come back positive. I don’t know what thing will be, but I know something isn’t right.

I’d decided this already, but tonight Parker decided that he’d only eat a half an ounce before bed and that would be sufficient- and that’s when I got to my breaking point. With everything. There’s only so much one person can take. There’s only so much one BABY can take. Something’s gotta give here.. and without more medical intervention, it isn’t going to be Parker.
Let’s just hope it isn’t more time and money wasted and no answers. I’m sick of no answers. And i’d really like to avoid a bronchioscope, but i’m pretty sure at this point that’s inevitable. Some random on call doctor when we called to get MORE thrush medicine (yep, thrush again, thanks flovent!) decided to give his opinion on how we should get the bronchioscope ASAP and shouldn’t have him on oral steroids (even though it was prescribed by the specialist at the children’s hospital), etc etc. Way to confuse me and tear me in two opposite directions.

I’m just frustrated, and i’m done. Nothing I seem to do is the right thing according to certain other people.. and although Parker might be better for a week, he just ends up reverting back to “sick” all over again. Why? I don’t know. I need to know. HE needs to know. Almost 7 months old and been sick for over half of that. It’s not right, y’all.
And if you don’t like how i’ve handled it thus far. Suck it. No one’s forcing you to read my blog. And if you just want to tear it apart and make fun and make assumptions and accusations- then you shouldn’t be reading my blog. Get a life. Preferably yours and not mine.

Posted on April 14, 2010 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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1 Comment

  • I don’t know who you hang out with but they seem like a bunch of high school drama queens, specially the computer mamas who’ve slandered you. Come hang out with my mama friends. We have no such drama <3 I'm pulling for you though, and I promise I'll come by soon!