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…And this time I mean it

Ugh.. Look, I know i’ve said it one hundred times before- that I just can’t handle this sickness with Parker anymore. The bad days are too frequent, it’s too much. And just when he seems to get better, the next day is the worst one yet.
It’s been months now dealing with this. Months of going to doctors and having tests run and basically being told to just deal with it. “At least he’s having SOME days where he eats”
Really?? It’s ok to the medical community where Parker has days where he refuses every single bottle? Where he chokes and hacks and gags and pukes and screams where the bottle gets anywhere near his mouth- that’s ok? That’s normal?? I don’t think so. I KNOW it isn’t normal.

Yesterday Parker had a PERFECT day. He ate every bottle with absolutely no problem.. and big bottles, too. Happy, content.. normal. For once, he was normal.

And then today.. probably the worst day yet. Screaming after one ounce.. hacking and choking and puking up formula after he ate. Even after waiting for HOURS after a small bottle he still wouldn’t eat. After such a GOOD day, how is reverting back to this okay at all?
And after such a good day, a day like today is even MORE frustrating and infuriating. You get so built up on that good day that a bad day is ten times worse.

Really.. this time I am at my absolute wits end. I HONESTLY don’t think I can take it anymore. The screaming and having to force food down his throat while he screams. The fact that he bruises SO easily and has broken blood vessels all over his face and neck when he doesn’t cry nearly hard enough to cause that. The hacking and the choking and the puking after he eats. It is all SO stressful, you have no idea. Especially for this prolonged period of time and after seeing SO many doctors who simply just don’t care enough to look farther into it or to think it’s abnormal when it SO clearly is.

I feel like i’ve done everything I can do, and that’s the most frustrating part because if NO doctor will help us- what’s left? The only way to get him help would be to let him not eat, and lose weight to the point where someone HAS to take notice.. and I just can’t do that to Parker. No way.
I’m to the point where I want to keep Parker in a bubble. We hardly go out as it is, but I fear taking him out at ALL. I fear letting ANYONE in this house who could be carrying germs on them. I don’t want anyone else touching or holding him or breathing near him. I don’t want to make him worse, or anyone else to make him worse or give him something is his immune system is totally shot.
I’m losing my mind, y’all- if it isn’t completely gone already.

I need Dr. House. He needs to be real, and FIX MY KID once and for all, because you know he sure as shit wouldn’t let this go and tell me to “deal with it.”


Posted on March 13, 2010 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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