Today is one of those days that ALL mommies have (not matter how high and mighty they may act) where you question WHY ON EARTH you EVER had children. They cry! They whine! They shit and piss and puke all over you! They drive you CRAZY..
You say to yourself: I don’t even LIKE children- why did I EVER have one of my own?? I must be TOTALLY INSANE!
Nothing cute or sweet they do can change how insane you start to feel. The urge to tear out all of your hair one by one is too strong. You become tempted to sell your children to the gypsies.. or to jump out a window and run and run and never turn back.
Obviously, none of those things are viable or SANE options.. you just have to deal with it.
That was my day today.. only much milder.
I thought this whole sickness thing had left my house never to return. Everyone seemed to be feeling better. Less boogers, less coughing, no fevers…
Oh how I underestimated this nasty bug. And for that, it is going to make my life pure and absolute hell for as long as humanly possible.
It started yesterday.. though I didn’t really know it at the time. I gave Parker his prilosec, and then set him down to go and get a little more since he decided to happily drool half of it back out and all over my clean jeans. While I was doing so, I heard him do the choke/cough dance he does ALL the time.. because he just likes not to swallow, and because choking just comes with the territory of reflux..
But this little spell was unlike the others, because when I came back to him I could see this huge boogery mess pulsing in and our of his nose. I tried to get to it, but it disappeared.. and a few seconds later I saw a neon green blob peeking out of his mouth.
Mommy instinct was to A) freak out, and B) get that thing out of his mouth as quickly as I could.
What was it? A giant chunk of neon green phlegm. Yes, a CHUNK. And the color was definitely something to be concerned about.
He hadn’t been coughing or even been slightly warm for days so I thought MAYBE he was just clearing out what was left of the sickness and after a few minutes of freaking out and making calls I let it go.
I have never seen an infant as miserable as Parker was ALL DAY today. Completely and totally inconsolable. Picking him up made him scream like he was dying, putting him down made him scream like he was dying. He basically refused every single bottle I gave him. Hell on earth. I can handle a lot of screaming because of what I went through with Holden, but this was BEYOND my threshold of tolerance. Especially with Holden adding to the chaos by being a total dick and refusing to take a shit, instead opting to sit on the potty for 30 minutes at a time while crying “WANT MOMMY!”
Today was not the day to be testing my limits.
By the time he actually spiked what seemed like a fever, and I decided it was time to call the damn doctor because he was either very sick, had an ear infection, or maybe something worse- of COURSE they couldn’t see him. Because they have too many damn patience and they suck ass.
“If you can make it here in 10 minutes we can see you, otherwise he will not be seen today”
BITCH, the office is TWENTY minutes from my house and that is NOT including the time it takes me to get TWO children packed up and in the car, and then OUT of the car, into your building and up the damn elevator.
So that wasn’t gonna happen. Only appointment availible? Tomorrow, at 11:30.
Not only is this inconvenient for me because I KNOW it’s going to take them two fucking hours to see us, because it ALWAYS does.. but because they want us to wait in SICK waiting- and i’m going to have to have Holden with me.. No way in HELL am I putting Holden in a waiting room with a bunch of sick kids when he just got over being sick- only to cause him to be sick again. That shit isn’t happening. It sucks MORE because I know it will make lunch time super late, which in turn will make NAP time super late.. never fun times in this house.
Oh, and it gets better. Tomorrow i’m supposed to FINALLY get that damn depo shot. Not gonna happen. Not only could I NOT find a sitter.. or even just someone to ride along with us and wait in the car with them for 10 minutes while I get a needle poked in my arm- but now I have to take Parker to the doctor instead.
I give up! Seriously, i’m NEVER going to get birth control. Might as well sew my shit up and let it collect cobwebs because it is no longer of use to me.
I’d call them and tell them to just give me some pill based on my history, because I had a LONG ass discussion with my doctor about what would work for me and what would not- but knowing doctors? They’d want me to come in AGAIN.. and that’s where the problem lies in the first place. I CAN NOT FIND A SITTER TO COME IN AT YOUR EVERY WHIM!
I haven’t heard about the damn flu for over a MONTH, so WHY can’t my kids just COME WITH ME AND SOLVE THIS PROBLEM!??!?
GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I really want to hurt someone.
For the benefit of humanity and all those residing in this house- I had a large alcoholic drink with dinner this evening. Trust me.. after 12 hours of screaming inconsolable baby, I may have blown this damn house up without one.
Now I am slightly less irritated… but I know that will end when he wakes up screaming like a damn banshee at 4 in the morning. Probably earlier considering the day he had today.
Kill me now.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times