Tonight’s blog was up in the air pretty much all day. I’ve been so angry, so upset, so frustrated and confused all day that I wasn’t sure I wanted to write a blog because I knew it would be full of bitching and moaning..
but this is my blog, and if I don’t vent SOMEWHERE- i’m seriously going to snap.. Hell, I might still snap even after this blog, but I can hope that it will make me at least feel a little bit better if nothing else.
Before Parker was born… Holden was a handful. Always has been, always will be. He was also fully and completely potty trained. Rarely, if ever, had any accidents. He was stubborn, but manageable, and a complete and total Mama’s Boy (which I positively loved).
Now? I don’t know who that child is sleeping in Holden’s room, but it’s not the Holden I know.
I expected there to be an adjustment period. I was told he would regress with his potty training.. so I prepared myself as much as I could. I read multiple articles on regression, I spoke with other moms of two about how to make Parker’s presence less traumatizing, how to get Holden adapted more quickly.
At first, things were going great. Other than Parker’s cries waking Holden up during naps and at nighttime and causing a few minor meltdowns- it wasn’t all that bad. Holden seemed completely unthreatened by Parker’s prescense. He mostly seemed mad at me. Really, really mad at me. Didn’t want to hug or kiss me, or come anywhere near me for over a week. And as the days passed.. his potty training started to go out the window.
First with holding his piss overnight. Other than a few nights here and there, he’d been holding his pee at night for over a month. Gone. No longer holding it. Hasn’t held it a single time since then.
Then came the accidents during the day. Multiple accidents during the day.
And then holding it during nap time went out the window.. and he had been holding it during nap time for almost 9 months.
And finally.. he started pooping his pants. Holden is a pretty regular pooper. After breakfast, and after lunch. The occasional midday poop, but typically only those two times. He started crapping at weird, random times.. and it isn’t like he didn’t know he was doing it- he knew. It was as though he was crapping his pants on purpose, just to do it. Just to spite me.
Everything i’d read on regression said to just give it time and he’d get back on track, that it’s natural, not to punish him for accidents, bla bla bla. So I did what I had read to do.. and other than a string of 5 days with no accidents (other than STILL pissing himself overnight), it hasn’t gotten better.
Regression is supposed to be TEMPORARY, and get better with time. This seems more like a YEAR of potty training has gone out the window.
And it’s actually gotten progressively worse. Not only his regression with potty training, but his attitude and demeanor in general. And it’s not the ‘terrible twos’, in my heart and the pit of my stomach, I know it’s because Parker is here.
Today being the worst day of any day, ever. I honestly do not know how much more I can take without absolutely snapping and going completely insane.
It’s not just the fact that Holden shit his pants (and not completely solid shit either) TWICE.. while looking at me.. not that I put him in time out for smashing his toys around and dumping buckets of blocks out and not puting them back.. and then pissing in his time out chair.. or soaking himself in piss during nap time..
It’s the fact that when Thomas finally got home, which is when I can generally get SOME kind of mental break from the insanity.. Holden wouldn’t have any of it.
Not only does he ONLY want Thomas, he only wants Thomas to himself. Thomas can not touch or go near Parker without Holden freaking out. Thomas can not walk into another room without Holden freaking out. It is completely and totally ridiculous. If I try to step in, he freaks out even more, because he wants nothing to do with me.
It has gotten to the point, and it pains me to say- but I can’t even LOOK at Holden anymore. I can’t stand being in the same room as him because of how he’s been acting. I want my happy child back, and the child he has turned into is bringing me to my absolute breaking point. I can deal with a LOT of things. I have been incredibly tolerant up to this point. I’ve dealt with a screaming reflux baby, multiple concurrent sleepless nights, temper tantrums, and a husband who whines and complains just as much as Holden…. but my tolerance for this bullshit is wearing thin.
I don’t know what to do, or where to go from here.. or if the way Holden is acting is permanent, if he’s genuinely ruined because the world doesn’t revolve solely around him anymore.
It’s not that he isn’t getting enough attention- he gets MORE attention now than before Parker was born. He doesn’t hate Parker.. all day today between shitting himself and throwing fits he begged me to hold and kiss and snuggle Parker. He calls Parker is “best friend” and is constantly telling me that he “loves Parker so much.”
WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM? At least with Parker’s reflux screaming, there was a reason- I understood it. I didn’t like it, but I knew WHY it was happening..
This makes no sense to me. Holden went from being fully adjusted to having Parker here, to being completely unhinged and a totally different child. A child that I don’t like at all.
I just can’t do it anymore. Another day like today and i’m going to lose my mind. I’m going to snap. I’m going to freak out at Holden more than I already have and scar him for life.
I’m not asking for sympathy, I just want to know when this will END. I want to know when my happy little boy is going to come back. I want to know WHY.
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
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Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
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