Well, I asked for silence…

And I should have learned by now to be careful what I ask for.. or to be a hell of a lot more specific with what i’m wishing for.

Every day that Parker spends screaming, puking, farting and squirming- i’m constantly wishing that i’ll close my eyes, open them, and he’ll suddenly be a happy baby. A happy baby is a quiet baby.. and I can not even describe how much I miss the quiet. Not even quiet by anyone else’s standards, because Holden is never ever silent- but a house without screaming echoing through the halls and giving me migraines.

Every day I am sorely disappointed by our situation seemingly getting worse and worse- and my baby getting more and more unhappy.

This morning the house was far more quiet than usual, and not in the way I had hoped for it to happen.
The near silence isn’t because Parker is happy, that would make way too much sense.. the silence is because he literally can not cry. He opens his mouth, and nothing comes out.. and when any noise does come out- it’s sad and hoarse and pitiful.

I’m not positive of why this happened. It happened with Holden too and I always assumed it was because he screamed so much that he lost his voice- and while Parker is incredibly unsettles and unhappy he doesn’t cry NEARLY as much as Holden used to. The only thing I can think that makes sense is that his reflux is literally burning his throat so badly that it made him hoarse. That was Ashlee Simpson’s excuse for lipsynching on SNL wasn’t it?

While it’s nice to not have ear pircing, blood curdling shrieks in my ear.. it’s heartbreaking to know that my baby is in so much pain that he can’t even cry.

It’s hard not to be pessimistic about it and wonder if he will EVER be happy, if he will EVER be able to eat a bottle without screaming and trying to refuse it after 1 ounce.. if we’ll EVER be able to get his reflux under control, and if/when we do- if that will ‘fix’ him.
I’m still going to wish for silence every day, just not like this.

Posted on November 23, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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