Babies may seem sweet and innocent to anyone who’s never had one of their own.. but mommies know different. Babies are sneaky, devious little monsters.
They’ll spit up all over your clothes, then wait for you to change and do it again. Or if you’re really lucky- they’ll switch it up and piss or crap on your brand new fresh outfit. I can not count the times i’ve had that happen to me. With Holden, I got to the point where I didn’t even change my clothes unless I was soaked in piss or crapped on. Spit up? Meh, no biggie.
Yes, I was the sad frazzled mommy walking around displaying fresh spit-up stains on my shirts in public.
They’ll fall fast asleep in your arms (mouth open, eyes rolling, dead to the world kind of sleep), and as soon as you put them down- POP- eyes wide open again. This is an every day occurrence in my house. Hell, it happened with Holden until he was well over a year old.
Even once you do get them to stay asleep without being on you, or having you patting their butt or bouncing them or rocking them, or whatever mix of the three you have to do just to get some peace and quiet.. and you finally get to lay down in your nice comfy bed, you close your eyes and just start to drift off to dreamland- WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Baby is awake. Baby is unhappy. Baby wants to be held, rocked, bounced and patted again.
Your dreams of sleeping are shattered.
The worst- and Parker’s favorite thing to do as of late?
Happily crap his pants for a good 15 minutes and then start whining for me to change him. Assuming he is done doing his business, I start to wipe him down. As soon as I take that wipe across his butthole- KABOOM! Poop cannon. The little turd wasn’t done! I scream in shock and horror as poop shoots across the changing table and splatters all over everything. Thank God his ass is pointed away from me or i’d be getting covered in his disgusting green crap every day.
Don’t be so unassuming when it comes to that sweet chubby little baby face- for behind it lies a plotting devious toddler in training.
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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WHY WOULD I LIE pic.twitter.com/kEmQYtl1mi