After today, I am fully convinced that the days that aren’t full of screaming, crying, and general brattiness will be filled with other strange and semi-horrifying things.. much to my dismay. Days of calm laziness are now in the past.
Everything started off relatively normal. Breakfast went pretty smoothly, and then Parker woke up for his feeding. I took Holden to the potty early, as to make sure he wouldn’t piss his pants while I was busy with the baby… and the power went out. It came back on momentarily only to go out again a minute later and stayed that way for two hours.
For those two hours, both kids were awake.. and both wanted my attention. Parker was perfectly happy as long as he wasn’t left to his own devices, and Holden brought me book after book after book after BOOK to read.. in the dark.
After the first hour, I set Parker down on his boppy and went to take care of a few other things and when I came back he was out cold. Happy day! He didn’t make me rock him to sleep like he has the past few days.
He stayed that way for a while and seemed to wake up peacefully but was squirming quite a bit.
When I went to pick him up, immediately I knew why by the smell permeating from his rear end. Curses! I loathe baby poop. Toddler poop I can handle, it’s solid.. but you never know what lurks in the depths of a baby diaper.
I carted him off to the nursery only to be even more horrified by the actual poop itself than the smell (I have learned over the years to breathe through my mouth.. a lot less dry heaving that way).
Forest green with a pasty texture. The worst part? Power was still out, and it was a rainy day.. meaning no sunlight in the house. Basically, I was trying to clean up a blowout in the dark.
Six wipes later, I was pretty sure I had him all cleaned up when I realized he’d also pissed all over himself while I was struggling to get the poop off of his pecker.
After that mess was all cleaned up, it was bottle time. He ate about an ounce before trying to pass out on me.. an ounce and a half less than his past few feedings so I tried my best to keep him awake to get him to eat a little more. In hindsight, this was probably a bad idea.
He didn’t want to go to sleep after he was done (surprise surprise), so I tried to ‘entertain’ him the best you can entertain a newborn. Patty cake, tickling his feet.. talking to him.. and then it came.
The entire bottle I mean. All over him, all over me, out of his nose and his mouth. Lucky me, I was wearing the ONLY pair of pants I have that fit, and it’s cold outside.. and now they were drenched in stinky baby vomit. It didn’t seem to bother him, thank God (Holden would have been flipping his shit back in his reflux heyday).. but it did mean we both had to change clothes.
I was sure that HAD to be the last of the disgusting things to happen to me today. WRONG.
After his next bottle, he once again didn’t want to sleep. I was bracing myself to be vomited on when his ass started making the scariest noises i’ve ever heard. Farts so loud, so wet, and so guttural, I panicked and laid him on the couch with a burp rag under him waiting for liquid shit to come seeping out of his clothes. The sharting didn’t stop for a solid 3 minutes.
When I was sure it was safe, back to the nursery we went. I had to psyche myself up to remove his diaper, I was sure it was going to look like his ass threw up.
It wasn’t so bad. Yellow.. seedy.. a little wet. It wasn’t until I started wiping him down (and had already moved the dirty diaper out from under him because he kept attempting to put his feet in it) that the playdoh fun factory action started. I really can’t even describe what was coming out of him but it was not pleasant. Even Holden, who was in the room, had to remark that it was “nasty”, followed with a “stinky butt!”
What’s a day if it isn’t full of vomit, putrid farts, and runny baby shit?
I’m crossing my fingers hoping that Thomas gets a tiny little taste of what I went through today. Kid is currently farting like the winner of the baked beans eating contest at the county fair.. so I think something might be brewing.
Ohhhh please! It would make my day.. maybe even my week.
Winning Advice from an 8-year old goo.gl/fb/MmhfYU
Y'know what's awesome? I don't even have to waste time trying new recipes because my kids will tell me they hate it before I start cooking.
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.