Now that I am officially in the ‘postpartum’ stage, I am realizing there are a plethora of things I pushed waayy to the back of my mind from the last time I was in this same position. Things I probably should have remembered so that I could be prepared for how ridiculously miserable postpartum is. I can understand why I did it, there are things you just wish you could forget.. and the things that have been seen cannot be unseen- but they can be repressed.
I like to keep other people informed so that they aren’t as shocked/horrified/embarrassed as I am- so i’ll let you in on all the things i’m re-experiencing that I had long since ‘forgotten.’
Not that I think vaginas are beautiful things to begin with- but MAN are they ugly after giving birth. Obviously they’re swollen.. they basically just lost a tag-team fist fight against your child and your doctor. What I didn’t remember is that your little bits become discolored and will resemble roast beef for at least a few days if not a few weeks.. effectively ruining Arby’s sandwiches for months. You just can’t ever look at them the same way. Now that you don’t have a huge belly in the way, there’s no way to avoid seeing it either.
And you won’t be the only one looking at it. I forgot just how many people come in and want to take a look at your stomach, your boobs, your vag and then they tell you they ‘need to check your pad’- HORROR. While you can probably get used to people staring at your va-jay, but you never get used to someone telling you they want to inspect your bloody pad… or teach you how to wash your swollen beef-curtains.
Speaking of huge belly.. yeah, you aren’t totally getting rid of that thing just because you spawned your crotch fruit. You might have shot five pounds of fluid out of you while giving birth, but there’s a hell of a lot left in there to expell for the next few weeks. Not to mention your poor angry uterus, now empty and still a thousand times its normal size has to contract (PAINFULLY I might add) until it’s back to normal. Chances are, you’ll still look 6 months pregnant. It’s not pretty. I knew i’d be fluffy, but i’d forgotten just how fluffy.
The stitches, thank god, don’t feel as bad as I remember.. although I might change my mind on that tomorrow. And the hospital I delivered at gave me fabulous numbing spray to help with the soreness. What I conveniently forgot was just how much blood continues to drip/gush/flow out of you after birth. Ew. And I forgot just how disgusting it feels to be sitting down, standing, doing nothing and to feel it doing so.
It’s like not being able to control peeing .. WAIT, that will happen too! You thought tinkling yourself during pregnancy was bad.. try the loss of bladder control afterward. This time around it’s even worse then my last pregnancy. For your own sake, i’ll humilate myself here and tell you that since i’ve been home (which has only been for about 4 hours now) i’ve already peed all over the floor in the bathroom before getting in the shower because I just couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t hold it. Once it started.. it was going to finish whether I liked it or not. I then proceeded to cry and had to call Thomas in to help me clean it up. That’s love, folks.
Exhaustion. I guess that one should be a given but I never remember how completely exhausting the days/weeks following giving birth are. And sleeping in the hospital really doesn’t happen. It’s not home, people are constantly coming in and out and you have a new baby who makes new noises that will inevitably wake you up. All I want to do is sleep but with 2 kids (one of which wakes up every 3 or so hours to eat), being ‘well-rested’ is a thing of the past.
When it comes down to it, your postpartum mind and soul may be filled to the brim with joy and happiness due to your new addition.. but your postpartum body will feel like pure and absolute hell and nothing should be shocking. From pissing yourself, to having the hugest swollen feet you’ve ever seen.. it’s going to take a long time to get back to normal, hell, might never get back to normal.
Expect the unexpected, I guess.
Winning Advice from an 8-year old goo.gl/fb/MmhfYU
Y'know what's awesome? I don't even have to waste time trying new recipes because my kids will tell me they hate it before I start cooking.
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.