Well, our first night at home is over with. So is our first full day at home as a family as well.
I didn’t expect things to run smoothly, I knew Parker would probably be waking up all night to eat and to cry and to do the weird things that newborns do all hours of the night (grunt, squirm, whine). I knew from other moms that there would be an adjustment period not only for Thomas and I to get used to having two kids around and trying to get everything done, but for Holden as well. Being that he’s only two, and has always been the ‘only child’, bringing a baby into the house and not being able to give him the same amount of attention was probably going to hit him hard.. I guess I underestimated just how hard.
The night didn’t go too badly, honestly. We knew what to expect, knew we wouldn’t be getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It doesn’t make it any easier to drag yourself out of bed, but it does make it easier not to get upset about it. He wanted to eat a LOT more than we thought. Instead of every 3-4 hours like during the day time he was up every 1-2 hours starving. We ended up co-sleeping for most of the night just to make things easier for everyone.. and Parker seems to be a cuddler already.
The one hitch was at about 4 this morning when he woke up for a feeding and that ONE time, his screaming during a diaper change woke up Holden. Not just woke him up, but caused him to pee in his bed (through his diaper, since he’s still wearing diapers at night). This did not please me at all (and i’m sure it didn’t please Thomas who had to get up and change the sheets).
People LOVED to warn us while I was pregnant that Holden was going to totally regress on potty training and ‘want to go back to wearing a diaper.’ Hearing that over and over seriously pissed me off. I realize it happens, but why do people assume it happens to EVERY kid? it probably pisses me off the most because i’ve worked so hard with Holden to get him potty trained and I completely disagree with the notion that he’ll regress- and honestly so far he hasn’t. He still asks to go, still goes, and has zero interest in wearing a diaper. IN YOUR FACE, NAYSAYERS.
One night time accident doesn’t mean regression, but it still sucks. I felt bad that he got woken up, and I knew he wasn’t happy that he peed his bed. Him being woken up by Parker crying was one of my MAIN concerns going into this. He didn’t ask for a brother, he shouldn’t have to deal with losing sleep over getting one. I hope he learns to sleep through the crying, because even closing his door and the nursery door during diaper changes does not totally drown out the sound.
Today started off pretty good. Holden seems to genuinely enjoy being a big brother. He brings Parker his hat, wants to help put his socks on, gives him kisses.. all kinds of sweet things.. It’s ME he has a problem with.
He wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Doesn’t want to snuggle like we used to, doesn’t want me to pick him up.. if I try to take him to the potty he asks for Daddy and screams until Thomas comes and takes over. Breaks my heart.. and also REALLY concerns me for when Thomas goes back to work. It will be hell on earth for me if he hasn’t at least slightly adjusted by then.. if he hasn’t gotten over the ‘grudge’ he seems to be holding against me for birthing another child.
By far the worst part(s) of the day are the tantrums. And not just tantrums, but TOTAL MELTDOWNS over absolutely nothing.. ending in Holden hyperventilating for a good 30 minutes and begging to be consoled and then refusing to be touched.. even by Daddy (who he begs for the whole time). he spent his entire bath time completely freaking out, and then when it was time for bed.. once again hyperventilated and we had to let him scream himself to sleep because NOTHING would calm him down.
I know that everyone says it’s just a phase, it will take time, he’ll get used to it and it’s because Parker is here.. but i’m really on the verge of losing my mind and it hasn’t even been 48 hours. I feel like I ruined Holden, he’s going to resent me forever. I spent about 30 minutes tonight just crying because it’s stressing me out so badly and my head is killing me from all the screaming and not being able to do anything to stop it.
I want Holden back. I want him to be happy. I want my head to not feel like exploding. I’d also like my crotch to not feel like it’s going to fall off and my back and ribs to not be killing me from deep-breathing during labor.. but I guess all of that will come with time.
Best compliment you can give me is to tell me you hope your future kids turn out like mine. I mean, you're lying, but it's a nice compliment
Where you should be spending your Saturday night twitch.tv/holdinholden
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