Tomorrow Thomas returns to work after being home with me since I went into labor. This is a moment i’ve been dreading since I found out I was pregnant. A lot of worry and stress and build up has happened to get to this place, so much so that i’ve completely psyched myself out about it.
It’s not that I don’t think I can physically do it, I know I can DO it.. the question is: can I do it well? Can I do it without going crazy? Can I do it without snapping and losing it and/or crying? That i’m not so sure about.
I keep thinking about all the what-ifs in my mind. All the things that could (and probably will) happen, and how I can possibly deal with them when they come my way.
What if i’m feeding Parker and Holden has to go to the bathroom? Do I stop feeding Parker to take him? Or do I make Holden wait? I don’t think I can make Holden wait because he’s been pretty damn bad about potty time the past week, and I think that’s because he just doesn’t think he can ask to go anymore- and I don’t want to encourage that. I want him to know that when he asks- we’ll go.. then again, I don’t want a screaming baby because I took the bottle away.
What if Parker needs to eat during Holden’s lunch time? When do I eat? What if Holden finishes before Parker is done, thereby needing to go directly to the potty? What if I can’t get Holden down for a nap because Thomas isn’t home? What if Parker wants to scream and be held all day- how do I give enough attention to Holden?
This is why I quit waiting tables. I hate being frazzled. I hate doing a billion things at once and inevitably forgetting something and kicking myself in the ass over it. I don’t like not knowing what’s coming my way next. I hate having unhappy customers (in this case: children).
Maybe i’m just boring, but I guess if you look at my life lately i’m sort of a stickler for schedule. I like doing things a certain way. I like knowing what’s coming next and being able to prepare for it. No, not everything can go right every day, but when EVERYTHING is unknown… it stresses me out.
I don’t want to go to sleep tonight just because I know when I wake up in the morning i’m on my own. Not only that, but Parker has a doctor’s appointment- my FIRST day home alone with two kids, and if I don’t have someone come over and watch Holden so I can take Parker alone.. i’ll have to drag two kids to the doctor by myself on my first day with them both. That’s not going to happen. Impossible. And it has a lot to do with the fact that Holden has been mega-brat and all of the stitches in my crotch won’t allow me to chase after him while lugging Parker around.
Ugh. Now i’m even more stressed out.
If this blog isn’t updated tomorrow night, you should know it’s probably because i’ve been locked up in the looney bin. A nice quiet room with padded walls sounds pretty tempting right about now.
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