I took the time today while Parker was in the nursery getting his tests run and his foreskin snipped (OHHHH BAD MOMMY!) to write out my entire lengthy birth story for everyone’s reading pleasure.
I seriously thought no labor could be more painful or more insane than my labor with Holden.. leave it to this pregnancy and Parker to prove ALL of that wrong and literally having me saying “I wish i’d just been induced!” mid-contraction.
Here it is, and it is LONG (and even more detailed than the original version I posted on the mommy boards I frequent):
I sort of had a feeling something weird was going to happen on September 30th. I really don’t know why.. it may have something to do with that both Thomas and I have birthdays on the 30th of each month and I always joked that he would ‘complete the trifecta.’
I never really expected Parker to make it until October, but at the same time, as you all well know- I had a sinking feeling he’d have to be FORCED out- so I was doing everything in my power to do a little ‘forcing’ of my own.
Evening primrose, pineapple, spicy food, pelvic rolls on a yoga ball- you name it, i’d either tried it, or was trying it.
On Tuesday night I got really sick for no reason. This had happened a million times before- but for some reason this felt different. I guess because afterward I didn’t get much sleep, spent the rest of the night tossing and turning- and spent the next day continuing the cycle of poop. Yes, i’m a poopy person on any given day, but even this was pushing it.
Not to mention the past few days Holden had broken out in a mysterious case of hives that we could NOT find the reason behind- perhaps he knew what was about to come??
Tuesday night Thomas’ friend, who happens to be a benedictine Monk in Nebraska was in from out of town so we all went out to get Thai food. I don’t know where, but i’d read some kind of comment from someone joking about how ‘chinese food’ is another one of those things said to induce labor. Before he left he gave my belly a good rub (magic Monk hands??)
I felt fine after dinner, wrote the blog post joking about how MAYBE Parker would get out before my appointment on Wednesday where induction had been mentioned (the appointment I had been DREADING), and went to bed.
Thomas usually is still fiddling around on the computer so I stayed awake waiting for him. Why? I’ll delve into TMI (my favorite thing to do) and say I was hoping to get some sex out of him and maybe it would help my cervix soften up since at every appointment it had been “long and hard.” Plus, I figured labor was pretty much imminent at this point.. and if recovery was going to go anything like Holden’s we might as well get SOME in before I put up my “I just blew my crotch out” forcefield up for however many weeks it would take to stop aching and bleeding.
I think I must have dozed off a little because it was around 2:00 when I woke back up and remembered i’d wanted to try the good ol’ ‘sex to get baby out’ method.
We didn’t even START getting into it and I had what felt like two nasty braxton hicks. Since it wasn’t unusual, I just ignored them and went about my business. I assumed it was because of how I was laying. Would make sense with how irritable my uterus had been the entire pregnancy.
Immediately after doin’ the dirty, I started feeling a little funny. I got up to go pee, got back in bed and got hit with a contraction. Notice I say contraction and not braxton hicks- I knew it couldn’t JUST be a braxton hicks- this was the kind of pain that made me clutch the bed. About 6 minutes later, another. Thomas was already back asleep (must be nice to fall asleep so easily) so I woke him up and said
“Um, Thomas.. I think I might be in labor”- I don’t think that’s something i’ve EVER said before. I always think it’s false.. and that line of thinking has always been right.
We didn’t start timing them right away, but the longer I laid still the more they hurt so I got up to walk around the house, post on facebook because i’m a loser.. and I even filled up Holden’s sippy for the morning (I had the thought in my head that I wouldn’t be around to give it to him so I better start getting his things ready).
I then laid back down after maybe 8 minutes or so of pacing the house and not feeling anything (and feeling a little discouraged) and not even a minute went by when I had another contraction, then one immediately after. THIS was when we started timing them.
After about an hour and a half of them being anywhere from 4-8 minutes apart and painful enough for me to have to focus my way through them (but still not painful enough to where I couldn’t carry on a conversation), I called my doctor. Of course, she said to go ahead and to go L&D to see what was going on.
Thomas called our friend Nicole who had offered to watch Holden, we felt so bad waking her up! It must have been around 3:45am at this point.
We rushed to pack my bag and the rest of Parker’s bag.
I think Nicole got to the house around 4:30 and off we went.
At that point the contractions were 5 minutes apart. They hadn’t gotten a LOT more painful, but still pretty nasty.
We get to the hospital, get into our room and hooked up to the monitors and then I get checked.
“A loose 1, and a little softer”
I was totally devastated. All those hours of contractions and NO progression (if you recall- i’d been 1cm for almost 3 weeks). I was afraid i’d get sent home, and all the excitement and waking Nicole up was for nothing.. so of course the tear factory started and I whined a little about it and continued to hope that this was the real thing.
Be careful what you wish for, because while we’re answering the MOUNTAIN of weird questions (the hospital literally had just gotten an entire new computer system the day before) the contractions went from painful to
“ok, I need to really focus and breathe in through my mouth and out through my nose and NO! DON’T speak to me right now!”
This next part is a little fuzzy, but I remember the nurse leaving to update the doctor and having me lay on my side because surprise surprise, my blood pressure was elevated.. and that’s when the contractions got even worse. I was still focused and was getting through them but it was getting tough to do so.
By the time she came back in the room I can remember yelling through a few of the contractions “I NEED HELP! I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!”
Literally, I did, i’d pooped probably 5 times in the hospital already. Embarrassing, yes, but if you want to look at it in a positive light- it assured that I wouldn’t be pooping on the table during delivery.
The nurse comes back in and checks me and i’m at 4cm and almost fully effaced. She was shocked because it literally happened in less than an hour from the last time she’d checked me.
She says I can now have stadol, and disappears for what felt like FOREVER, and during that time I pretty much lost it. Was thrashing around the bed, yelling, and even started crying during some of the contractions.
I have no idea how long she was actually gone, probably less than 30 minutes. She comes back and has me sign MORE paperwork and then hooks me up to the stadol drip and some fluids (I was feeling dizzy and dehydrated by that point, wonder why??) and asks me if my pain level has increased since the last time she checked my cervix. YES!
She checks me again, 6cm. Another look of shock. I warned her that this happened with Holden’s pregnancy and once the process started it did NOT slow down for anything. She immediately requests the epidural.
Again, contractions are getting even worse. Some are still 5 minutes apart but i’m having a lot that are literally back to back, not giving me a break to really compose myself.
By not compose myself, I mean I was probably making a total ass out of myself because I could no longer tolerate the pain at ALL. Inaudible yells, screaming that I couldn’t do it, punching the bed.. you name it. We were in a hospital that prides itself in religion (It’s name is Mary Immaculate, so you can imagine. Nuns used to roam the halls) so I actually didn’t curse, much to my shock. I found other creative ways to scream about how much pain I was in:
“HOLY CHRIST!” was one of the main ones. Fitting, don’t you think?
I don’t know who the nurse was, where she came from, or why she showed up in my room- but this woman appeared by my side and was seriously The Preggo Whisperer. She somehow talked me through some of the worst pain i’ve ever felt. She told me to relax my muscles, sink into the bed, let my shoulders go and not be scared of the contractions. This helped SO much, just having someone there coaching me through (poor Thomas looked absolutely horrified and while he’s a good hand holder I don’t think he knew what to say). Of course when she left, I pretty much lost it again. The stadol only helped for about 10 minutes and then once again the pain of the contractions increased.
I get checked again while we wait for the anesthesiologist and i’m at an 8, and I think fully effaced. At that point my nurse gets worried and tells me “You’re progressing so quickly, i’m going to warn you that your epidural may not work”
You don’t tell that to someone screaming in pain about to push out a baby! More tears, and thoughts running through my head that I was literally going to die. The pain I was feeling was FAR worse than ANYTHING i’d ever felt while being induced with Holden. Sure, those contractions made me cry and hyperventilate, but NEVER did they make me sound like a wild forest animal or start punching random objects around me.
My doctor (who had been in and out a few times. The NEW doctor, mind you) comes in and attempts to break my water, no luck. She asks if i’m SURE it hasn’t broken already because she can only find a little bit of fluid. I tell her (probably in broken english) that I really have no idea because i’ve been pooping and peeing so much since i’d arrived, but I didn’t think it had.
The anesthesiologist showed up REALLY quickly (this usually doesn’t happen. They are slow), maybe 10-15 minutes after being called if that? And starts another huge stack of paperwork I have to try and sign mid-contraction.
I hate all the paperwork, understand it’s necessary, but all I could think about at that point was getting my lovely epidural and being able to relax. I literally looked down and begged Parker to PLEASE slow down so that it has a chance to do its job.
She puts it in and then we wait… no change in my pain. She puts an injection into the epidural of pain killer (which I think is normal), no change. Another injection and starts testing my left leg for numbness by rubbing a cold washcloth in certain parts. I can still feel that it’s cold.
Another injection. No change.
I think this repeated itself a few more times, i’m panicking and start crying even more- this epidural is not going to work and i’m going to have to give birth naturally. She has me lay on my left side, the pain returns on the right, has me lay on my right side, pain moves to my back. Gives me another injection, no change.
Literally, nothing helped. The pain wouldn’t go away. She offers to take out the epidural and start over to see if it works (and I can tell she feels absolutely horrible).. but we’re all pretty sure at that point that i’m just too far along and it isn’t going to work for me becuse there’s no time for all that medication to catch up with the amount of pain I was in. Most people who get epidurals are more along the lines of 4-6cm, not 8cm going on 9.
This was when my water broke. It just kept leaking and leaking, and i’m in the middle of a contraction and crying saying “my water is breaking! still breaking! i’m still leaking! It’s getting everywhere!”
My doctor comes back in and checks me, no shock- i’m fully dilated- and decides to have me start pushing. I don’t think Parker was at the last station but she figured we should give it a try anyways.
I get an oxygen mask, and the room starts to transform with the lights coming out of the ceiling and the stirrups coming out of the bed. This time it didn’t horrify me, but what did was that she asked Thomas to get in on the action and hold my leg. This did NOT happen during labor with Holden. Thomas stayed by my shoulder.
He grabs my left leg and that’s when I realized I am completely numb. COMPLETELY NUMB.
I can’t feel my contractions, I can’t feel my doctor poking around my hooha, nothin’
Bout time, right?
I think it was around 9:10am when I started pushing, but again, everything is really fuzzy because of how crazy it got so fast.
I’m so numb that I have no idea HOW to push. She keeps telling me to “push like you’re taking a big poop!”, but I can’t feel anything down there but a teensy bit of pressure where she’s yanking on me.
“Are you having a contraction?” she asks
“Is that your finger i’m feeling?”
“Then no. I don’t know. Am I?”
I honestly think I did most of my pushing in my face instead of my ass. Lucky I didn’t break blood vessels in my eyes.
At that point i’m feeling pretty good, the pain is gone, my legs are high up in the air and i’m cracking jokes about my doctor being in the ‘splash zone’ and she says “well, you must be feeling better!” Obviously, no more face melting screams and boogers dripping out of my nose from crying so hard.
She was right. Thank GOD the epidural decided to kick in…. I wish it had kicked in sooner but at least it did something.
After about 30 minutes of pushing, I for some reason decide to look down and can see Parker’s head (and also Thomas’ horrified face, I told him not to look!) emerging.
I do three back to back pushes when my doctor tells me to wait. The cord is around Parker’s neck, I can see her pulling it off. Tears instantly well up in my eyes. He doesn’t look pink at all. She gets the cord unwrapped and I guess looked away when I felt the INTENSE urge to push and gave him the final shove and he came flying out into her arms (yes, literally).
She sticks him on my stomach and asks for the bulb. No one knows where the bulb is. Parker wasn’t crying. I look at Thomas and just feel like breaking down, I could tell he was worried too. She finds the bulb and does about 5 squeezes and like music to my ears, Parker cried. At that point I cried too, but not because I was sad, but because I was so happy that he was ok.
Thomas manned up and cut the umbilical cord after MUCH debate about the subject (it squirted) and then Parker was taken across the room for his apgars and to be weighed and all that fun stuff.
My doctor informs me that I had a tear. Something like a 2nd degree?? I don’t know anything about tearing.. but she says it wouldn’t have happened at all if it weren’t for the 2 episiotomies I got when I gave birth to Holden. THAT is where I tore! Great! I tore scar tissue, more painful.
While she’s stitching me up, she’s also trying to get the placenta out of me, telling me to push and yanking on the umbilical cord. I can’t really push at that point because I literally couldn’t feel anything from the waist down. I had nothing better to do at that point, since I couldn’t hold Parker and I had to wait to be stitched up.. so I started texting everyone. Imagine their faces when they were asking what was going on and I respond with “I literally just popped him out.”
I think the process of stitching & pulling took a good 30 minutes, and once the placenta went flying at my doctor (and watching Thomas once again be horrified by what he’s seeing)- we were all done and I FINALLY got to hold my baby. Felt like an eternity.
So that is my story!
I didn’t get feeling back in my legs for probably about 2 hours and when I did, and had to stand up to pee (they wouldn’t move me to my recovery room until I did), blood went EVERYWHERE. It looked like a scene out of a horror move. Blood all over my hospital gown, down my legs, between my toes and a trail following me to the bathroom. I laughed. Thomas was horrified, yet again. I think he may be scarred for life. I think I may be, too.
I honestly am not sure if I can do, or ever WANT to do the whole pregnancy/birthing experience ever again.
I am pretty happy with the result though. So far, Parker is an angel (other than the projectile tar shit he did all night).. although I won’t be counting those chickens just yet because Holden didn’t turn into a reflux monster until he was 3 weeks old.. but i’ll take 3 weeks of bliss!
Holden is.. ambivalent about his brother. They met today for the first time and after a few kisses, a snuggle, and calling him “best friend” he was done with visiting us in the hospital. I think things will go pretty smoothly once we get home- which will be tomorrow! Thank GOD because I am about to SET THIS HOSPITAL BED ON FIRE.
I am not going to get bed sores, STOP ADJUSTING AND MOVING EVERY 60 SECONDS!!!
@DianeAuten There is no other way
@DianeAuten I'm so glad you're enjoying it!
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I don't know what I want for dinner, but I can guarantee it's not any of the 14 things my husband will suggest.
@ThisIsAstartes Best worst little shits on the planet.
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I'm officially done parenting. Here's how I did it: holdinholden.com/2018/01/im-o…
I’m Officially Finished Parenting. Here’s how I did it goo.gl/fb/TBJQPJ
Some people meal prep to be healthy throughout the week. Some people meal prep because they want to be lazy for the rest of the week. I meal prep to prove to my kids that humans CAN eat the same thing day after day without dying.