If you’re familir with this blog, you know when I say HEMMIES, that i’m not referring to the kind that make your engine go VROOM.. i’m talking about the kind that dangle from your ass.
Yes, hemmorhoids. Thank your lucky stars if you’ve had a vaginal birth and haven’t been plagued by them, you are one of the few.
Unfortunately, I think it’s hard not to get them while pushing, grunting, and forcing a child out of your vagina. Especially when your doctor and all the nurses are encouraging you repeatedly to “Push like you’re taking a poop!”
All of that straining is bound to make your butt angry.. and you won’t know just how angry until you’re trying to take a poop after giving birth and are cringing in pain because it feels like you’re shitting razor blades.
I won’t go as far as to specify whether or not I have them (I do have SOME pride left), but i’m sure you could make an educated guess.
Just because you don’t feel hemmorhoids on the outside of your sad strained little hole does not mean you don’t have them. You may come to find out that hemmies can be internal as well as external, and the internal ones are no walk in the park either. No, they may not dangle out of your hole and cause discomfort when you walk because they’re rubbing all around down there in your crack.. but you’ll definitely feel some pain when you go #2, and horror will wash over you when you look in the toilet and it’s full of blood.
I’ve had some fellow mommies tell me that their evil hemmies hurt more than the aching crotch they have from giving birth- how anything could be that bad baffles me… and makes me feel sorry for anyone who has them that bad.
Some tips: Tucks medicated pads, baby wipes (or just flushable wipes if you want to go and buy something different than what you wipe your new baby’s ass with) and stool softeners will become your best friends. Or you could take some horrifying advice I heard and if you have external hemmorhoids and push them back in. ACK!
Seriously, we already have to get fat and lumpy and have stretch marks, bad skin, unmanagable hair, mood swings, stitches in our vajays and an achy crotch among other horrible things to bring a child into this world- do our asses really have to suffer as well? Cut us a break, here!
Pooping should be a time of relaxation and relief.. not cringing and ass bleeding.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times