So far in this pregnancy, we’ve covered many uncomfortable topics from pooping out your intestines to eating placentas- but there’s one topic I feel we haven’t delved far enough into that I think every pregnant woman should be aware of.
You may have heard that when you get pregnant, your nose will widen for ‘mysterious reasons’- really, it’s just water retention. That’s not the point though, my point is that your nose is NOT the only thing that’s going to… widen. And i’m not talking about your ass from that pan of brownies you just inhaled by yourself (although, that’s true too). I’m talking about something far more embarrassing.. far more personal.
Have you guessed yet?
That’s right. your VAGINA. I said it.
Better learn to live with the idea now, because even before you start to get fat- your hooha will. It’s like one of those old cartoons where the anvil falls on the characters hand and it swells to five times its’ normal size and begins to throb- that will be your nether region for months.
It’s not pretty (are vaginas ever pretty?), and it’s definitely not the most pleasant of feelings to experience.
Once you begin to get used to having the vag of a woman 4 times your size, it starts to hurt.
Imagine your va-jay as a professional boxer.. only- not a good one. And it’s being put up in a Payperview fight against the likes of Muhammad Ali. Somehow, it manages to last a couple of rounds, but that’s not before taking about 500 shots straight to the kisser. THAT, my friends, is how your poor, comically swollen vagina will feel for the last few weeks of pregnancy.
Maybe if you get lucky, instead of your kid deciding that the nerves to your legs are fun to play with- he or she will play with the nerves to your snatch instead, giving you the wonderful sensation of “lightning crotch.” Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Shooting pains right where it matters.
Don’t worry your pretty little heads, your kitty will eventually go back to normal.. a couple of weeks after birth and the extra swelling from THAT goes down- and you will have a new found appreciation for your un-swollen non-aching private area.. so at least there’s one plus to the whole situation, right?
Best compliment you can give me is to tell me you hope your future kids turn out like mine. I mean, you're lying, but it's a nice compliment
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