Never a dull moment when you have a crazy toddler and an incubating fetus. Hard to believe I have 400 posts already! That’s dedication, people.
In honor of my 400th post, I will just spew out the random thoughts going through my weird and cloudy head lately.
1. I had a lot of ideas in my head of what to write about tonight until I actually sat down to do so. Pregnancy brain is really killing my creativity. Maybe I should keep a pen and paper with me at all times to jot things down when they come flooding in so that I don’t lose good ideas so quickly. It will be nice to pop this sucker out and be able to have a clear concise thought again. And a margarita… or ten.
2. I love when people who aren’t parents yet have such strong ideas of what they will and won’t do when it comes to parenting. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that you NEVER know what’s going to happen from day to day. Kids are weird.
When I read these long rants from people complaining about “parent overshare” and how they’re so tired of reading facebook/myspace updates about peoples’ kids… it just makes me giggle.
“I’ll never talk about my child’s bowel movements!”
yes, you will, and way more often than you ever thought possible to talk about poop that comes out of someone elses’ ass. Just wait until your kid hasn’t passed a turd in 3 days and is screaming bloody murder nonstop- not only will you discuss the bowel movement in general, but the consistency and frequency as well.
3. Speaking of childrens’ bowel movements… I think there is a rogue turd somewhere in my house. Today was Holden’s first full day without a diaper (we usually do half days because I don’t trust his bladder), and at one potty time I pulled down his boxer briefs to find none other than what looked to be a car crash in the crotch area (read: tons of skid marks), and according to Thomas there was a trail of turd down his right cheek, too. This leads me to believe he must have popped a nug out and it escaped. Where did it go? No one knows. For all I know, he could have eaten the damn thing thinking it was a precious brownie (everything sweet is either a ‘brownie’ or a ‘treat’ to him). Wouldn’t put it past him, he’s that kind of weird.
I’ll probably find it somewhere random a few months from now, covered in dust and hair. Ew.
4. We haven’t had cats for weeks and we still have fleas. Shit ain’t right. Damn those fleas and their ability to lay eggs that don’t hatch for 30 days, and damn the products claiming to KILL said eggs that just don’t. It’s all an evil plot by the companies to get you to buy more and more of their stupid non-working product. Genius or evil? Or evil genius? I bet they work for Wal-Mart… or Krispy Kreme.
5. Still haven’t found anyone to watch Holden while i’m in the hospital. The friend who’d offered to come here and stay with him (which is the only way it’s really going to work considering everything Holden has is here and no one else has accomodations for him) announced she’s moving WELL before I plan on busting. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be worrying about when I go into labor at all- but I can’t just leave Holden with any old person. I’m already incredibly picky, and most of the people I would trust to do it either work, have their own kids to take care of and can’t stay here, or would expect me to drive Holden to their house to watch him. Yeah, ’cause i’m really going to drive 30 minutes out of my way while in labor to drop Holden off and risk ruining my car with placenta juice. That would be the only positive about being induced, i’d know exactly when this kid is coming and be able to plan accordingly.
5. I keep having these weird thoughts about when i’ll go into labor. My body hates me, so if it really wants to be spiteful my water will break in the middle of Holden’s 2nd birthday party. It’s less than a month before my estimated due date, and just mean enough to be plausible. Not that Holden would be resentful, I doubt he’ll even know what the hell is going on other than that there’s cupcakes and a billion people in his house crowding him- so it isn’t like he’ll grow up hating me for birthing his little brother in the middle of his birthday.
I suppose if that did happen, there would be plenty of people around who wouldn’t be able to say no when I told them they needed to stay and watch Holden.
6. Ghost Adventures has nothing on Ghost Hunters. “OH MY GOD DUDE SOMETHING TOUCHED ME!”
Yeah, it’s called cobwebs. Bald fat guy is the biggest pussy ever. Point blank.
7. Thomas thinks he’s funny…. he’s not. If you’re the only one laughing at your jokes, you’re not funny! Just sayin’
And that is all for my 400th post, go me! I’m going to go tend to my sausage toes and wishing I could eat snacks after 8pm without shitting out my intestines.
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world
Don't feel bad for tossing frozen chicken strips in the oven and calling it dinner. Don't even feel bad if you don't turn them over. holdinholden.com/2016/05/shit…
To the piece of crap who broke into my car over the weekend- You think you found nothing of value to steal, but you actually took with you the nasty head cold my family has been passing around in that very vehicle for the past week. Enjoy, scumbag! xoxo, Germ Infested SUV
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"