Dear Braxton Hicks,
Our relationship started a few years ago, one I would call tumultuous at best, at worst: a completely confusing disaster.
At first, I hated you. The uncomfortable situations you caused, and how I was sent into a panic thinking you were the real thing and not just the cheap imitation you turned out to be.. and let me tell you, Sir, you are nothing like the real thing! Not even close! A crappy rip-off- stop giving yourself so much credit.
You aren’t even necessary in the grand scheme of things- just a nuisance and a bother and you should really find another hobby.
I soon realized I would not be able to be rid of you and as much as I would have liked to be free from your clutches, I accepted that unfortunately- you are a part of my pregnancies and there isn’t anything I can do to change that. So I learned to live with you and ignore you and pretend you didn’t exist.
That seemed to make you angry, and you have now crossed the line. You weren’t satisfied being an uncomfortable part of every day pregnancy for me, contorting my uterus into a lumpy, tight, painful protruding (more than usual) mess. No, that just wasn’t enough for you! You just had to go and take it a step farther.
What exactly makes you think it’s a good idea to attack my back at the same time as my front? Did I ask for back contractions? Is that even in your normal repertoire, or did you save these horrible things just for me? It’s one thing to cause ‘practice contractions’- at least those can be written off as being practice for the real thing, but what did my back ever do to you? Hell, what did I ever do to you? Isn’t there some other uterus you can go and bother and leave me in peace for once?
I would appreciate it if you would cease and desist. Immediately. Don’t make me find you, i’m in a cutting mood. This preggo is through with your shenanigans!!
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