I’ve brushed upon the subject of personal grooming while pregnant before (here).. but now it’s time to get down to the dirty.
Let’s face it- when you’re pregnant, and you can’t see around that ginormous bulge (if there weren’t a baby in it, i’d call it a FUPA) protruding from your stomach to be able to really feel as though you’re being thorough.. it can get a bit frustrating.
I’ve tried the ‘lift and look-around’, and i’ve tried to just blindly go at it- and that is what I will continue to do. Some effort is better than no effort!
Oddly enough, it has been suggested to me on numerous creepy occasions to let Thomas do the work for me.
Sure.. it’d help me not have to try and squish bend and squeeze myself in uncomfortable positions in order to do it myself- but… NO!
It’s not that I am what i’d consider ‘shy’ or ‘bashful’- but i’m not a NAKED person. I don’t like being naked at all. Not even in front of just myself. I don’t walk around my house naked, dance naked, sleep naked.. just not my thing. Hell, I even wear a bra to sleep because I don’t like my jigglies flopping around all willy-nilly like i’m a flower child from the 70’s (plus i’m paranoid that letting them do so will curse me with floppy-tit-itis).
I’ve just never been comfortable letting it all hang out. My mom always said my Dad wanted to be a nudist.. definitely didn’t take after him in that area.
Going to the OBGYN for the first time? Horrifying. I like to keep my parts to ME, especially in harsh lighting..
So to think about Thomas, even though we are married, being about 2 inches from my girly-bits while they are almost comically swollen (c’mon, if you’ve been pregnant, you know exactly what I mean) with a sharp razor in bright lighting?
That is something I will PASS ON!
More power to you if you’re comfortable enough to let your man do the dirty work for you- that just doesn’t work for me.
There’s not only the fact that I don’t want anyone who isn’t a licensed professional (aka, my doctor) inspecting my area with a fine toothed comb… but that I think I would be in constant fear that he’d slip and cut off something important.
The thought alone makes me cringe. That area is hard enough to groom without making a mistake every now and then- an inexperienced person, such as a husband, down there with a razor? I can only imagine the amount of blood and razor burn i’d end up with.
Again I say- Pass!!
Would I return the favor? Hmm.. I don’t know that shaving balls is up my alley of expertise. Seems like more trouble then it would be worth! Loose, saggy skin? That’s just asking for trouble isn’t it?
I MIGHT, and I mean MIGHT wax them, if he asked nicely.. and only because I know it would inflict ridiculous amounts of pain and make me laugh.
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There are times where I am sitting around, doing what I always do.. when a weird thought enters my mind. Out of nowhere I get smacked with an overwhelming feeling of creepiness- because the thought is creepy… but mostly because it’s true.
Being pregnant in itself is an odd thing. I mean, come on- we carry our own young? We have the ability to actually create, grow, and spawn our own children? Am I the only one who thinks along these lines?
It seems like most women just say ‘yay! new baby!’ and go on their merry way. Blissful, nonchalant, carefree.
Meanwhile, i’m sitting here thinking things like..
Weird, i’m growing an actual human inside of me.
From there it wanders on to:
Weird, i’m growing a living, breathing, hiccuping, yawning, kicking, stretching human.
And really it just continues to move along downhill, quickly:
A tiny naked little human. There’s a NAKED little human inside of my stomach.
Right here, my brain should just cease and desist.. because I am officially totally and completely weirded out.
A naked little human inside of my stomach with a penis. I’m technically growing a penis in my stomach…
A penis that’s peeing in my stomach..
So – this naked human i’m growing is swimming in his own pee, and probably rubbing his creepy baby penis all over my insides..
I have to push this naked little human, with a creepy baby penis, through my birth canal and out of my va-jay??
Seriously- WHO ever thought having babies was a good idea? It’s gross!
At least I never lost my sense of imagination, right?
When you reach the third trimester of your pregnancy, you enter a whole new realm of discomfort and awkward situations. It’s not just your body making you blush at inopportune times (uncontrollable gas, peeing when you sneeze, etc), but your doctor will have a series of not so fabulous things for you to do.
Really, why do they have to make it worse than it is? We’re swollen, we’re tired,we’ve gained an asinine amount of weight that we aren’t very pleased about already and our vajays are beginning to pain. Adding more to that just seems cruel.
Get used to it ladies, because your nether regions are going to be poked, prodded and stared at more often and by more people than your standard porno.
Before all that, though, comes the dreaded glucose test (for gestational diabetes). I had the joy of drinking my disgusting orange concoction today. If you didn’t think it was that bad.. or hell, if you thought it was tasty- good for you. For some reason, I just can’t stomach that crap. The first time with Holden wasn’t TOO bad, but later in pregnancy I was made to take it again and not only did I have multiple times throughout it.. but later that night I had an intense sugar crash involving sweating, shaking, and eating half a bag of grapes to try and get my sugars back up.
It’s probably Pavlov’s Theory of Conditioning that already had my brain thinking this time around was going to be just as bad as that last time with Holden, because it was foul. I didn’t heave, but I sure wanted to. I think the worst part is the fact that you not only have to chug the disgusting melted-rotten-popsicle tasting liquid in 5 minutes or less, but that you can’t drink ANYTHING afterwards.. or eat anything, or chew gum.. or a mint. Nothin’
Did I mention it felt like the inside of a fake leg outside? Sweltering. My body was not pleased.
Today marked the first appointment of my 3rd trimester. When you go from having an appointment once a month, to every 2 weeks- and most of those appointments you’ll be told to drop your pants and have fingers shoved into your hooha to make sure you won’t be going into labor any time soon. Yay! Just what I wanted.
This is also about the time where most women start packing on a ton of weight. It slows towards the end of pregnancy, but the end of the 2nd trimester and the beginning of the 3rd? Whale Watch 2009.
As i’ve mentioned before, i’ve been trying not to turn into a waddling landbeast like I did my last pregnancy. I exercise 5 days a week, I generally eat healthy (aka: I’m not stuffing my face with McDonald’s milkshakes every single night like I did with Holden).. and to me, it looks like it’s working. My hips have definitely gotten bigger which makes my ass the size of a mac truck, but there’s no rivers of cellulite, and my maternity pants aren’t getting snug- go me! Right?
Hopped on the scale today and i’m up 10 pounds in the past month. WHAT?! HOW?! WHERE?! While of course I wasn’t pleased, it solidifies my theory that regardless of what I do or don’t eat- i’m going to gain a ridiculous amount of weight because that’s what my body wants to do.
I love that the nurse told me to “watch it” (my weight).. bitch what do you think i’ve BEEN doing? People really don’t listen. If it’s not by the book, it can’t be true to them. My doctors seem to understand that, but not the nurses. Kiss my fat ass!
I tell the nurse about how my stomach has been evacuating its contents on a regular basis lately.. and guess what she gives me?
A sample cup.
This NEVER happened with Holden but I guess me telling her I can’t stop crapping is cause for concern (i’ve kind of always been a poopy person, inherited from my Dad. Thanks Dad!).
The thought of having to catch my crap in this tiny little specimin cup.. and then NOT refrigerate it and bring it in when they’re open horrifies me.
Man, being pregnant is a blast!
Next up on the pregnancy awkward checklist? Group B Strep test. Or.. in lamens terms- ANAL SWAB!
The hits just keep on comin’
It has to be some kind of weird role reversal. My first and third trimesters seem to be getting their wires crossed.
The first trimester is supposed to be miserable, filled with nausea and exhaustion and a general feeling of uncomfortableness.
While the third trimester is definitely not said to be any kind of cake walk- being that you have a huge belly to lug around and swollen feet- a lot of women really enjoy it.
If you’ve been following the blog for a while- you know that my first trimester was the easiest of all. Especially considering I had NO earthly idea I was even pregnant until almost 2 months into it. No morning sickness, no fatigue, no nothing.
As my doctor would say: My pregnancies never go by the book!
I have technically a week until my third trimester (most people say it starts at 28 weeks), and while my second trimester has been not so fantastic, the third is gearing up to be even worse.
Suddenly, every other night I find myself intensely nauseous to the point where I have to stop doing whatever i’m doing and brace myself, and then make a run to the bathroom. And i’m not really a puker if you catch my drift. Nothing I eat sits well in my stomach, i’ve had trouble keeping ANYTHING I eat in there for more than about 45 minutes. It’s not as if i’m eating things that would generally make one’s stomach turn (taco bell, spicy foods, alfredo sauce), it’s regular things like sandwiches and cereal that make my stomach twist and turn and ball into knots. Not pleasant.
Combined with the ever-intensifying more frequent braxton hicks, and toes that turn bright red and look like overstuffed sausages after a few minutes of standing and the third trimester is beginning to look like a crapshoot.
Maybe i’ll get a reprieve and somehow magically next week all this nastiness will clear up. I sure hope it will. The worst is to be as big as a house and whiny. Not that whining can’t be fun from time to time, but it’s a really consuming thing to do. Just look at Holden, been so whiny lately that he wears himself out into a 3 hour nap. Though I guess I can’t complain much about him taking a huge nap, it’s always a welcome break in this house.
Ohhh the joys of pregnancy! So many things you’d never expect, all bundled up into one 9 (technically 10) month period.
If there’s one thing I can say for it- it certainly does leave you guessing. If you like surprises.. weird, gross and sometimes disgusting surprises, pregnancy is for you.
This is where any man should overt his eyes. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to read this.. and i’m pretty sure the woman in your life you may have knocked up, or will knock up in the future won’t want you to know the gory details of this either.
Around the halfway point in pregnancy, you’ll start… leaking. And i’m not talking about from your boobs, although it’s possible usually you’ll just get crusties (aka colostrum) there until later, yum!
But yes, leaking.
The first few times it happened while I was pregnant with Holden, I kept wondering if maybe I was peeing myself and just didn’t know it. Had I lost that kind of control of my bladder/urethra already?? Impossible!
After a while, you realize it definitely isn’t pee. As you may find yourself letting a little go when you sneeze or cough or laugh, it’s a different feeling all around.
You begin to wonder: “Is my water breaking? Is this what water breaking is?”
Only one time was the amount enough for me to actually get up the nerve to call the doctor (that along with regular braxton hicks and it can get kind of confusing).. who immediately sent me to L&D to be checked (yay! more poking and prodding!) only to find out that it was not, in fact, my water that had broken. Just me being leaky.
While other parts of pregnancy are annoying and uncomfortable.. I find this one to probably be one of the grossest & most confusing (next to losing your mucus plug, but that’s another story for another time).
There are quite a few women who will just stick a pad in their underwear and go on their way- but I refuse! One of the biggest perks to pregnancy is NOT having a period, and NOT having to use all the things that go hand in hand with having a period.. so mucking up the blissful period-less 9 months with a pad? I’ll pass, thank you very much! I’ll suck it up and change if I have to. My area is uncomfortable enough at the moment without shoving some cotton in my underwear and walking around with a more pronounced waddle than usual.