While you may have heard some things here and there about how you’ll feel after popping out your crotch-blossom, like that your cooch will hurt, and that you’re going to bleed for a while… if you have friends and family like I have/had- no one ever really had the balls to take the time to really break it down and give me the bottom line. The hard, honest, brutal disgusting truth.
To save you from shock, horror, and some unexpected pain down the line.. or just to remind you of why you’r holding off on squeezing out another- allow me to be that special person for you. We all know how much i’m a fan of wandering across the TMI line.
First off, let’s delve into what postpartum bleeding is actually like. Regardless of whether you have a c-section or vaginal delivery, your cooch is going to bleed like it’s trying to remove all blood from your body. And not just bleed, but you’ll most likely pass clots as well. Those are pretty damn scary to find. No worries though, you won’t really even be the one peering into your lovely mesh undies for the first few days- it will be a gaggle of different nurses, doctors.. if you’re lucky like me- students, too!
Let me tell you how awkward it is to have someone come into your room and say “Ok, time to check your pad!”
Did I say awkward? I mean horrifying. By that point you’re over the whole “I don’t care who sees my va-jay” point and back to feeling strange and awkward about randoms digging through your bits and pieces.
My advice? Well, other than to suck it up because there isn’t much you can do.. buy some cheapo Wal-Mart brand underwear that you can ruin.. because when you continue bleeding for about 13 weeks you’re bound to ruin a couple pairs at least, and some JUMBO pads.. yes, the huge ones that remind you of wearing a bloody diaper. Oh, and smuggle as MANY of those cold packs that you stick on your nether-region as you possibly can. Pretend you used them all, stick some in your bag, and ask for more.. repeat. I only went home with 3 and wanted to shoot myself less than 24 hours later. Spent many nights crying about the aching in my crotch and I know having those damn ice packs would have helped.
I could expand much more than that, but I think that’s enough bloody vajay talk for one post.
Next up: Postpartum sex. Your doctor will most likely tell you not to have any for 6 weeks to make sure everything heals correctly down there (’cause we don’t want a scarred up mangled cooch because we couldn’t resist getting poked, now do we??)
This most likely will not be an issue for you, as if you’re sane.. you won’t even want to THINK about sex when your crotch feels like it’s about to fall off 24 hours a day. I’ve heard of girls going right back to doing the nasty… and I think they’re completely fucking INSANE! I was in pain for a ridiculously long amount of time.. maybe I suck at healing, who knows, but I went at least twice that long. I didn’t even want to touch it myself with all the stitches down there.
Speaking of stitches- wow are THOSE fun. You might not tear, you might not have to get snipped.. if you don’t, you’re DAMN lucky and should thank your lucky stars. For those not so lucky.. there are many different kinds of tears and cuts you can get. You can tear your insides open, and to different degrees… you can tear your friggin’ labia.. you can tear just about anything- and they will stitch you right on back up.
These stitches are not fun. Do other doctors send people home with painkillers? ‘Cause if so, I got the shaft and was sent home with NOTHING.. and with two episiotomies I definitely could have used something to take the edge off. I could barely sit, I could barely sleep, it hurt to sit on the toilet (I did the whole ‘push the cheeks together’ move, brilliant).
They’re technically supposed to dissolve within 10 weeks or so.. yeah, didn’t happen for me. I believe mine stuck around for about as long as I bled- 13 weeks. And at one point, during a fun painful pee-pee time.. there was some that came out on the toilet paper. Talk about doing a double take to see what the hell that weird thing on the TP is.
Did I mention they itch? Yeah, they do.
While we’re on the subject.. let’s discuss the first postpartum poop. I’ve always admitted that I am a pooper. Never had a problem being more than ‘regular’.. but after giving birth? Not so much. It’s sort of like popping a kid out stops up your entire system. It pushed that huge thing out, it ain’t gonna push a stupid wimpy turd out until it’s good and ready!
This could go on for about a week, which it did for me. During that long week I psyched myself out so badly that I was TERRIFIED to poop, especially with all the stitches I had. Was afraid to pop one and have to be re-stitched.
Of course, it wasn’t as bad as i’d thought it would be.. but it certainly wasn’t a walk in the park either!
Buy yourself some stool softeners. You’ll thank me later.
Lastly, for now.. the whole ‘you’ll snap right back!’ comment you may hear repeatedly, especially if you’re young? Yeah, not so much y’all.
Especially not right away. Hell, I lost 20 lbs of water weight/blood/baby before I even left the hospital and still looked relatively pregnant. I’ve seen women who still look about 6 months pregnant for the first few weeks. Your body is not going to snap back like a rubberband.. unless it’s an old overused rubberband. Your stomach is going to have the consistency of a waterbed full of jello for a long time.. generally until your uterus goes back to it’s normal itty-bitty size.. and that all depends on your body and whether or not your breastfeeding (that makes it contract and go back down faster from what i’ve read/heard).
Don’t believe the hype! Being young does not give you an automatic ‘pass’ on the fatty train. Sorry!
Now, I hope this hasn’t terrified you to the point where you don’t EVER want to pop that womb parasite out.. it’s gotta happen sooner or later! Lots of women have it easier.. but it’s better to go in being prepared for the worst I always say!
Suck it up and pop it out!
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
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