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"You’re gonna poop on the table!"

It’s that time, once again, to address those pesky rumors and myths you read & hear about pregnancy. The ones that freak you out, scare you, make you never want to have children- you know the ones i’m talking about.
I in no way consider myself a ‘master’ on childbirth and pregnancy knowledge, but seeing as this is my second time around in a not so long period of time, I think I know enough to at least confirm and dispel a few of the major ones that constantly pop up in conversation.
Let’s get down to business.

Rumor #1:
Your boobs WILL get saggy if you breastfeed.
Fact.
Sorry to say, it’s true. BUT- they’ll also get saggy if you don’t. Pregnancy is going to change your boobs regardless of what you decide to do with them once you pop your kid out.
Due to the fact that your boobs grow during pregnancy and have a bit of time to get used to their larger size, once they deflate and get rid of all that milk- unfortunately they aren’t going to snap right back to sitting at full attention on your chest.
Mine definitely lost fullness after Holden, and they weren’t big for very long. I might not necessarily call them ‘saggy’ by the standard definition.. but comparatively? Yes.
What I can’t say for sure, but what I think is true- is the longer your boobs are full of that milky goodness, the more saggy they’re going to be.. so it could be if you breastfeed they’ll end up being saggier then if you didn’t just due to that fact alone… I saw my mom’s boobs after breastfeeding two kids, not a pretty sight.
Then again, there is a small group of people who just aren’t effected by the growing and shrinking boobage. Some people go right back to normal (probably the very young people), some get to keep their larger size permanently (which is lucky or unlucky depending on the person). For the most part? Get ready for your boobs to drop. Sorry!

Rumor #2:
Your nose will widen and your feet will grow during pregnancy
Fact.
My nose didn’t widen until I started retaining water in my face, MAN was that a pretty sight, and I definitely didn’t believe the rumors until then but it happened. It DID, however, go back to normal after I gave birth and lost all the water weight.
As for the feet? Up a full size during pregnancy and they’ve still yet to go back down to normal. I had huge feet to begin with. Now there sort of caveman-esque, even though they’ve shrunk back down a little (it only took a freaking year). I’m still holding onto all of my shoes in hopes that one of these days these flappers will shrink.

Rumor #3:
You will poop on the table during vaginal delivery.
Myth!
I say myth because while it CAN happen, it does NOT happen to everyone! Even if it does, your doctor and nurses aren’t going to tell you. They’ll just scoop that shit up and take it away without saying a word. Even though my doctor was constantly telling me during labor to “Push like you’re taking a poop!”, and I keep replying “But I don’t want to poop on the table!”
From what I am told by others in the room, I didn’t. Big sigh of relief.
If you do happen to pass a log during labor, the only person who’s going to care is anyone you let in the room (other than medical staff) who happens to watch while it occurs. I can’t imagine that’s a pleasant thing to see along with blood, baby, and fluid.

Rumor #4:
Once you’re in labor, you will stop being shy about who sees your va-jay.
Fact.
I am the best example of this. I do NOT like going to the OBGYN and having my cooch examined. The first time was horrifying to me. I made sure I had found a practice with an ALL female staff because the thought of a man digging around up there horrifies me. I don’t even like Thomas staring at it. He’s lucky I let him in the room during Holden’s birth, that’s how uncomfortable I am with all kinds of people staring at my naked self.
Once active labor began, all of that went out the window. My friend who had just came to visit and happened to show up as i’d gone into labor? Stuck in the room. I wouldn’t let her leave.
Somehow my room was the supply room, so nurses were coming in and out constantly that were not my nurses, and they did NOT pull out that curtain to block the door. Did I care? No. I just wanted my damn epidural.
This doesn’t mean i’d invite my entire family into the room to view the birth, that’s SERIOUSLY pushing it- I think giving birth is a little more of a private experience than that- but I definitely lost a lot of inhibitions once my pain level was at “TWELVE!!!!!!”

Rumor #5:
Vaginal birth will stretch out your vajay and you will be “loose”
Myth!
I’m screaming it, MYTH! MYTH MYTH MYTH! I don’t know where this rumor came from but it is NOT true in the slightest. Perhaps if you decide it’s a good idea to push out 10 kids in 10 years, it MIGHT happen.. but otherwise you’re not going to end up with a cavernous vagina just from giving birth. It’s not going to be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
Your “hole” is like a piercing hole. It’ll close back up. Just like if you don’t have sex for a really long time and once you do it’s almost as though you’re a born-again virgin- your vagina will not remain huge and flappy, whistling in the wind and gathering cobwebs.
And if you’re anything like me, and you have to have an episiotomy, your doctor will probably end up stitching you up even tighter than you were before. Not such a fun thing, trust me.

Rumor #6:
If you’re young, your body will ‘snap back’ right after giving birth!
Myth!
Sorry, this just isn’t true. I was 23 when I had Holden, which I think is relatively young.. and while I was did not look as ‘bad’ as some people do post-partum, it took a lot of work and a very long time to even remotely look like I did before getting knocked up.
The weight? Sure, maybe it’ll come off quickly the younger you are.. that doesn’t mean you’re going to have a tight stomach and be completely rid of cellulite and water weight. Getting your stomach muscles back up to par takes a while.. unless you’re a celebrity and have hundreds of thousands of dollars and a serious Madonna complex to waste on a personal trainer who will kick your ass for 8 hours a day.

This has gotten long enough for today I think. Any other rumors you want to throw out there? Put them in the comment section and if I get enough (or more pop into my head, because there are TONS) i’ll make another post about it.

What it comes down to is you can NOT believe everything you hear. Even if it is true, it might not happen to you. Even if it didn’t happen to your friend- it might happen to you. Pregnancy ain’t easy, and no one comes out completely unscathed. You’re growing another person IN you, it’s not supposed to be easy. If it were.. well.. we’d all end up looking like the love child of Rumer Willis & Paris Hilton & Mickey Rourke post- face melting.

Posted on June 23, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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Personal Grooming Habits

Let’s get right into it- it’s not the 70s anymore. I wasn’t even alive in the 70s so the thought of a full on bush scares the hell out of me.
Even still, what you do with your personal area is your business. Typically the only one who sees it should be you, and your significant other.. and on occasion your OBGYN. If you want to let it grow like a crazy cave woman when it isn’t bikini season, that’s totally your prerogative.. but i’ll let you in on a little secret…
When you go to your OBGYN they have a little check-list about your personal grooming habits. Yes, I was horrified when I found that out too.
“shaven. unshaven.” or it might say “groomed. ungroomed”
Either way, if you walk in and haven’t weeded your garden in God knows how long, they’ll be checking off an embarrassing little box about you.

No, no one’s going to see it but them- but it’s still a little embarrassing to know there’s a file in a drawer with a box checked off that you’re hairy.
That might not be enough for you to do anything about what you’ve got goin’ on- but the thought of anyone looking closely at my nether region makes me keep everything maintained properly. Hell, I don’t like being unkempt when NO ONE is looking at it, feminist is not my style.

I’ve heard a lot of women say that when they’re pregnant- they just don’t care about what goes on ‘down there’
“Oh, doctors have seen it all before!”
Yes.. yes they have- but that doesn’t mean they don’t laugh about it with their nurses. I have friends who are nurses. I have heard stories about you and your cavewoman bush.
From the “spider nipples” story to all kinds of stories about feeling like they were weedwacking in the jungle trying to pull a kid out of a hairy cooch… If you let your area go crazy, your nurses will most likely giggle about your behind your back, or cringe, or both.

I don’t care if I have to groom blindly over my huge stomach- just like I did with Holden- things will stay spic & span.

Might get a cut here or there.. hell, might miss some spots- but do you really want to be the spider nipple caveman cooch lady??

Posted on June 16, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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