Thrown under the bus

This weekend, Thomas’ mom, step dad, and grandparents are in town.

We had dinner with them tonight.. and I am pissed. And NOT because of them, but because of Thomas.

Allow me to explain (and it may take a while).

The last time Thomas’ family saw Holden was.. gah.. like.. 18-19 months ago? So basically, to Holden and even to me, they’re basically strangers. Being the person I am, and as protective as I am- I follow the same rules for all strangers because I know how both Holden and I work.
I like to be able to get acclimated to someone, and to allow Holden to get acclimated to someone before I let them in his comfort zone. It doesn’t matter who they are. Holden doesn’t care if you’re a relative, if he doesn’t know you, he doesn’t know you.. and if I don’t know you- that makes the situation that much more uncomfortable because having someone who is basically a stranger in his face makes me clench my fists.
It was the same way with my family when Holden was first born. It took me an INCREDIBLY long time to become comfortable with letting anyone near him, including my Dad and step mom. The difference is that they are around so often that it took a lot shorter time for me to be able to do so (and I know them, duh). The rules were still the same. Please don’t get in his face, don’t baby talk him, don’t kiss him on the mouth.. just let him get used to you before you invade his bubble.
This may not seem fair, as my family lives close and his does not- but i’d feel the same way if my family lived out of town. I’d just want Holden and I to get used to them being near us before they got into our personal bubbles. Especially with me being pregnant and more anal about my space and his space than usual- still i’m finding myself getting urked at things my own family does and they see Holden CONSTANTLY.

I don’t do it to be mean, or harsh, or unfair. I do it so I don’t freak out and snap at someone, and so that Holden, who has a tendency to be picky about who is in his personal space, doesn’t freak out and slap someone, or throw a fit, or throw toys. I don’t think that’s being even semi-irrational. It’s being logical, and avoiding an uncomfortable situation.

Now that we’ve got that clear:

So the inlaws are in town. Dinner I had no problem with, as long as no one got in his face or tried to rub my tummy I figured everything would go smoothly.. but his grandparents wanted to have a cookout at our place the next day.
This did not work for me.
Why you may ask? Well, the only fenced in part of our house is the back yard.. our back yard, for lack of a better word, BLOWS. It’s tiny, it’s got vines and trees everywhere, there is no patio, there is no furniture. We have no grill, we have no food.
They offer to buy the grill and furniture (which I am not comfortable with, as I don’t like taking such expensive things from people), and say to do it in the front yard.
This did not work for me.
Holden in the front yard is like being in the 7th circle of hell. It isn’t fenced in, it’s huge, and we’re on the corner of a ‘main’ road (at least for our subdivision, but it’s a busy road). Holden likes to try to run into the street every moment possible because he loves cars. So I envision me, pregnant and uncomfortable, chasing Holden around for hours in the heat trying to get him to hold still.. and then trying to get him inside for potty time and him throwing an absolute fit (as he does, every time.)
That, and we have a table with three chairs. Three. There would be not enough seating, and not enough space, and I have learned from this pregnancy that I am INCREDIBLY claustrophobic to the point of freaking out when i’m surrounded by people in a smallish space.
It just didn’t seem like a good idea with all the factors to have a cookout at a house that is not equipped for cookouts at all.

Instead of explaining all of this to his family, Thomas basically threw me under the bus and made me seem like a psycho hose-beast.

So badly that at dinner tonight, his grandparents literally were afraid to take PICTURES of Holden. As if I would oppose to PICTURES. And then they turned to my dad and said “will they let us come to their house tomorrow?”
WHAT?! I don’t care if they come to our house! Obviously Thomas wants to show it off, we worked hard for it. I just didn’t want to have a damn cookout for all the reasons I listed above. The fact that he explained nothing and basically just said “oh well I want to but SHE doesn’t” really really urks my nerves, because it makes it seem like I just don’t want anyone at the house at all and that isn’t the case. It seems like he also made it seem like the ‘rules’ were just for them, and that isn’t true either. It goes for everyone, it just went for everyone else at a different time, because everyone else got to know Holden at different times. It has nothing to do with any particular person, just new people to him and to me in general.

So i’m mad. Not that I honestly care what people think about me, but because he made the situation out to them to be something completely different than it is and probably hurt their feelings in the process. It could have been avoided altogether, and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me why he would make the situation more awkward and uncomfortable than it had to be.

LAME THOMAS, REAL LAME! In a way, I still think he doesn’t get it. He’ll never have a uterus or a vagina so I guess I can’t expect him to totally relate, but he needs to think back to when my family was first getting to know Holden and I didn’t want ANY of them near him or holding him or smooching him.

I might be a bitch, but i’m a fair bitch damnit.

Posted on May 15, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • You’re his wife. It’s your house too. He should be on your side because you’re a package deal. He shouldn’t be putting the blame on you like that. It’s not cool.

  • i agree and totally understand where you come from. I hate when men think that when we decide on the “rules” together and then they tell it to someone else like “oh well my wife says…” and not ” we decided” together, as a team. You are valid in your keeping people out of your personal bubbles. Everything should be done on Holden’s terms, when it comes to strangers. My husband, thank goodness, is worse about the stranger situation than I am.