Relinquishing Control

I’ll admit it- when it comes to Holden i’m a bit of a control freak.

He was such an unhappy infant due to reflux that it made everything so much easier and calmer in our household to have everything on a strict schedule, do everything a certain way. Not to mention Holden was so picky, he WANTED things a certain way or the screaming would start again.
That, plus me being a first time over-protective mommy equaled me not really wanting anyone else near him.

During the times where he would scream about 90% of the time he was awake, I probably lost my mind about a billion times over but I still couldn’t just call someone up and say “please come watch Holden so I can have a mental break.”
Not only because I didn’t want to let go and let someone else take over because I feared them doing it wrong, but because I didn’t really have anyone around willing to do so. Or not at the times I needed it most (during the day, when everyone was at work).

I most likely made things much harder than they had to be- and not letting go of control for so long made it easy for me to just NEVER let go.
Holden’s been babysat maybe a handful of times, and the longer I have him all to myself the longer I want to KEEP him all to myself- especially now that his little brother will be here soon and these moments where it’s just Holden and I are numbered.

Does it make me crazy that these days I really don’t mind spending my time with Holden? I don’t really even feel the need for a ‘break’ like I used to. It helps that he isn’t screaming like a banchee or puking all over me.. or up 7 hours a night doing both.

I know I deserve ‘me’ time, ALL mothers deserve some time to themselves every now and then. I get mine every 6-8 weeks when I go to get my hair done and guess who i’m thinking and/or talking about the whole time? Yep. Holden.
I think i’m obsessed. It’s an addiction I can’t kick.

Holden is my crack (second place goes to Krispy Kreme and sweet tea).

I do NOT want to be the overbearing insane cunt mother who doesn’t let Holden off of a very short leash when he gets older. Those kids turn out to either be crazy rebel drug addicts, or total closet cases, going to school in clothes that don’t fit with their peers asking them if they’re “waiting for a flood.” I prefer Holden to be well-adjusted (I can’t say normal.. because what is normal, really?)
Will I ever think any girl is good enough for him? Probably not.. but I think I can scale back the crazy a little bit as long as she isn’t a super skank… Let me not think about him dating for a VERY long time.

I’ll just leave it as- I hope to not as be as crazy and protective then as I am now. Holden’s too young to fend for himself.. so I feel for now it’s justified (or that’s what i’ll tell myself anyways.)

Posted on May 6, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden



  • I see that you mentioned that Holden was a refluxer. Braden most definitely is too!! Do you know any tips or have any advice that seemed to work well for you guys?

  • Let’s see.. it’s been a while, but some good things I remember:

    Mylanta (especially if you aren’t medicating him otherwise)
    Adding about 1/2 Tbsp of oatmeal to bottles (if you use bottles), helps keep the spit up down and soothes the tummy a little
    Heating bottles
    Using Dr Brown’s bottles made a HUGE difference

    Putting him to sleep in an upright position. I know the doctor suggested inclining his crib mattress but that seemed like a HUGE hassle, I could see how it would work though.

    I noticed that those gas drops DID NOT WORK, but I have heard Colic Water (which you can buy at Walgreens in the baby section and probably any other store) works wonders. We just never tried it.

  • ok. He does get 1/2 of a 15 mg Prevacid solutab twice daily. We are doing the oatmeal (I use about 1/2 teaspoon in 4 oz) in the formula. Just recently they switched him from a milk-based formula to a hypoallergenic, and things are looking a little better. We tried the Dr. Brown’s bottles and he HATED them with a passion. He is addicted to the Nuk nipple – I can’t get him to take anything else! As for the incline in his crib mattress – we do it but it doesn’t work. He’s such a wiggler that he just slides down it and ends up laying perpendicularly.

    I was just thinking that you might have tried an avenue we hadn’t been down yet. I will definitely have to try to find colic water! He is most definitely a fussy baby come night time! Seriously… two hours of screaming fits = no fun for us!

  • we had 7 hrs a night of screaming.
    Prevacid solutabs did NOTHING for Holden, neither did Zantac. The only thing that helped even slightly was prilosec.

    Even if you aren’t using Dr Browns bottles, I would find a bottle for “colic” babies to cut down on the bubbles going into his stomach. We used playtex ventaires until the whole BPA thing arose. I’ve heard good things about the drop ins (and they’re safe) but not sure they’re compatible with Nuk nipples.

    We were also switched to a hypoallergenic and it really only made things worse.
    We went through SEVEN formulas, and the only one Holden could stomach without issues was Goodstart because it has whey proteins that are already partially broken down so his stomach didn’t have to do so much work when it was already hurting.

    I’d definitely try the Mylanta at bed time. Really worked wonders for Holden

  • Thomas says you should be able to find a Dr Browns bottle compatible with a Nuk nipple. They come in wide and skinny. The nipple isn’t what helps- they’re nothing special, it’s the filter in the bottle that reduces the bubbles in the formula that’s important to look for. I think there’s a few brands that specialize in that.

  • Jenny
    Wish you would come meet me for lunch, I`d love to see you guys.
    You will make special time for you and Holden, dont worry bout that. But some advice to keep the fighting to a minimum as they grow older, You have to explain to Holden that this is his special baby brother and that he will have special jobs to help take care of him and that no one will ever be closer than him. like powdweing but or gving his bottle. You want hum to think that he is in charge of brother and is helping him to grow. VERI IMPORTANT JOBS FOR HIM. That way he feels involved and not jealous and left out.
    Lots of us going to beach Mothers day for cookout , tanning,fun, Please come if you want, Happy Mothers Day Honey

  • Actually, Baking Soada and water is better and safer then prilosec or prevacid…AS