Never a day goes by where my suspicions of Holden being a big weirdo are not confirmed. The child is just strange. And I think stranger than most kids – because we all know kids are weird. They eat crayons, cat food, basically anything they can get their hands on, and are amazed by fans like stoners.. but Holden’s weirdness surpasses that of the normal range in my opinion.
Let us start with his weird reactions to… well.. absolutely nothing.
Ok then, let’s get into the dirty details, shall we?
How about the fact that he loves to lay on the floor and play. And not normal lying on the floor, but on his side.. pushing things, anything, around him. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I don’t see how it can be all that interesting but it seems to be his favorite activity. Laziness? Or Weirdness?
If that’s not enough- how about his really off fascination with feet? I may even go as far as to call it a foot fetish, which totally grosses me out, because feet are nasty.
I have witnessed him smelling guest’s shoes. I have witnessed him carrying shoes around the house and playing with them like toys. I have witnessed him trying to lick feet (horrifying to see him slowly get his tongue closer and closer to the bottom of a foot. Ew.) Keeping in tradition with his habit of lying on the floor for no reason, he likes to go over to where the shoes sit by the door, lay down, and surround himself with them. Totally content for 20 minutes doing this.
We have “wind down” time right before he goes to bed, where we all lay on our bed in the dark and watch TV for about 30 minutes. He is constantly going after my feet. He’ll snuggle them, he’ll cuddle them, he’ll lay by them. This evening he was being unusually unruly before bed time, so when he got down by my feet I decided to playfully tap him in the face with my foot. He stopped moving completely, for probably 10 minutes. What did he do then? Wrapped his arm around my leg and cuddled his face into my foot. Ew. I never would have let him do this had I not just gotten out of the shower. Still gross.
Ever heard someone call small children “Ankle Biters” because of their short stature?
Well, Holden is a knee biter. Literally. And ONLY my knees. I can not have a bare knee around him or I hear “EEEHHHHHH” and suddenly my knee is soaked in toddler slobber, and he’s trying to bite into my kneecap with his sharp little toddler teeth like an apple.
Then there’s the little things.. like finding cat puke and bringing it to me, as if I want it. Poking the cat directly in the butthole. Trying to slip the tongue when he gives kisses. Growling like he’s possessed by the devil, for fun, so loudly, that if we’re out to eat- other tables begin to stare, and then he laughs like a maniac. Trying to wipe his pecker & bare ass all over me or Thomas immediately after standing up from the potty (too many days I have had dots of pee all over me from this). The list goes on and on.
The topper, the icing on the cake, the weirdest of all weird?
The kid loves vegetables. LOVES THEM. Especially the green ones.
Come on now! If that doesn’t strike you as weird, I don’t know what will.
Roadtrip me takes joy in watching the kids panic as the life drains from their electronics. Yes, I brought chargers. They don't know that.
9yo: My nose is drowsy Me: You mean running? 9: I guess I mean my eyes are drowsy Me: So, you're tired? 9: No Me: .. 9: .. Mondays are hard
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…