Through all my crazy ranting about chicken salad (which I got at chic-fil-a tonight, thank you anonymous, it was tasty!) and raving about donuts I forgot the most important thing that happened.
A few days ago i’d asked advice about which ultrasound studio to go to- and after an overwhelming response of to do what was best for ME, I decided to call the studio closer to me. Being that it was such short notice, and the guestbook at the website was FULL of raving reviews, I didn’t think i’d be able to get an appointment.. at least, not before the one I have in Chesapeake anyways.
I think it must have been somewhere around 8:30 in the morning when I called, didn’t expect them to be open, they weren’t- so I left a message.
Around 10:30 they called back and we started chit-chatting and the receptionist asks me “did you send me an email?”
why yes, yes I did.. and when I got the auto-response saying how high their volume of emails were, I decided calling would be the best way to get into contact with someone and actually MAKE an appointment.
She asks me how far along I am, I answer “16 weeks on Thursday” and to that she says “I can get you in at 4:30 Wednesday”
“Yes, the 22nd. It’s all we have open until mid-May, and only due to a cancellation.”
So what did I do? I took it, duh! I knew a lot of people would not be able to come, being that the ultrasound was in 2 days (since I made the appointment yesterday), but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
So for the past 2 days, i’ve been in a state of panic. With the Chesapeake appointment, I still had a week to freak out.. now I have less than a day- and still no feeling about which gender i’m having. Yes, I still care whether it’s a boy or a girl, this is a life changing moment. This is it. Will I get the little girl i’ve always wanted? Or get handed another boy?
I feel like if there ARE such things as signs & fate, as I have believed in my entire life.. if my mother really IS watching over me and giving these signs to me, then this baby should and will be a girl.
If this baby is a boy, I think i’ll lose faith in signs, fate, and maybe even spirits. That sounds shitty, I know, but i’ll have trouble believing it when there’s been so many things during this pregnancy that I just FEEL have to have been signs from beyond, from my mother.. that if they aren’t- then they must have just been my mind. Wishful thinking and nothing more. I don’t want that to happen. Believing in the paranormal, the ‘other side’ and being able to contact it has been a large part of my life, especially since my mother passed.
If this baby is a boy, it doesn’t mean these things AREN’T real, it just means that my faith in them will have evaporated, because they have steered me in a completely wrong direction.. and I don’t think it’s meant to be that way.
Hard to explain, I suppose.
All I really know is that, if this baby is a boy.. people are going to want to steer clear of me until I pop this sucker out. I can’t imagine i’ll be a happy preggo at all. Once baby is here, all will be well- but until then? 7th circle of hell for all those near me.
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