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Sugar & Spice

Anyone ever watched that movie? The one about the bank robbing cheerleaders with the pregnant captain?
I think i’ve seen it probably 15 times, just one of those movies that doesn’t get old.
From that movie, I learned that preggos puke randomly and fart uncontrollably.

Now, for me, the puking thing is not so true. I’ve never had to stop while shopping and barf into a potted plant, though I don’t doubt that it happens to others. I’ve actually never puked once during either pregnancy- unless you count having the stomach flu and retching for 15 hours straight.. but that wasn’t due to baby making me sick.

Uncontrollable gas? Yeah.. Didn’t get so lucky in that department. While it’s not as bad now as it was in my first trimester where I was tearing ass for the first two hours I was awake- it’s become more random and embarrassing now.
For the record- I do not fart in front of Thomas. Can’t do it. Just can’t bring myself to lean to the side, life a cheek off my seat and BRRRPPPPPPPPPP.
I’ll tell him when I have to poop, or even that I AM gassy, but he will never hear the sound if I have any control over it.

Thomas claims he can’t make his disgusting farts silent. I call bullshit, as I have become the master of this art. It’s really not that hard just to squeak one out- and no, the silent ones AREN’T always deadly (thank goodness).
The only time this doesn’t hold true is when I get painful gas. I know you know what i’m talking about. The sharp twang and rumble of impending doom? Ring a bell?
Those are nearly impossible to make silent, and they come out sounding like a machine gun. THRRRAP AP AP AP AP AP. Funny to talk about, not so funny to experience and try to hide from your spouse.

When Thomas isn’t home though, it’s free reign. Open season.
Like Holden cares if I fart? Please. He sticks his face in the cat’s ass a few times a day, i’m pretty sure he has no idea how to distinguish between good smells and bad.
I let one go, and he just looks at me and gives me a little smile. He enjoys my gassiness. His makes me laugh, but my eyes burn. Equal trade off I suppose.

I will be more than pleased when my intestinal issues subside. Oh how I wish Thomas’ would go away right along with mine.. but I think his are a permanent fixture in life. JOY!!

Posted on April 30, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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Save it.

Every 75 posts or so I get a ridiculous offensive off-base anonymous comment (or two) that I feel the need to address. Being that I am in a royally rotten mood, and I got one on my blog yesterday, today is the day to address yet another WAY offbase stupid comment from a moron who obviously knows nothing other than their own selfishness.

Telling me I should feel “blessed” because i’m fertile myrtle would be like me telling someone they should feel lucky to have a mother, because I don’t have one anymore (which i’ve only done once as a joke, and haven’t done again). It is a rude horrible thing to say to someone who feels unfortunate, or unsure about their situation. Just because it isn’t how YOU would react. Guess what, you aren’t me- and i’m not someone who is having trouble with their mother. I do not judge those who want to complain or vent, it is their right.

Will me feeling ‘blessed’ about being pregnant again make those who have trouble getting pregnant more fertile? Will it make their fertility problems any less difficult? No? Then why lie about how I feel? Just as they didn’t choose to have problems getting pregnant, I didn’t choose to have NO problems getting pregnant. If I could give my fertility to someone who has been trying for a long time unsuccessfully, I would. I can’t though, so what’s the point in being dishonest about how I feel?
If you want to go and put your bullshit opinions on someone, find a girl who’s drinking and doing drugs, blatantly ignoring all the things you aren’t supposed to do while your pregnant. Aren’t those the ones you should be complaining about and throwing bibles at?

What? Because I wanted a girl it makes me a horrible person? Yeah fucking right. It makes me H-U-M-A-N.

I have never, and will never compromise or lie about how I feel to make an anonymous commenter on this blog happy. I am who I am. I feel how I feel. I make no excuses about it, and I do not feel bad or ashamed about feeling the way that I do.

Get off your high horse, try putting yourself in my shoes with an unexpected pregnancy that you’re not ready for. You can’t, because you haven’t been here. You also don’t know how it feels to have wanted a girl your entire life and to get 2 boys instead, and not being able to have a third (possibly) for about 100 different reasons. You’re trying to tell me you wouldn’t be disappointed? Even slightly? If you said no, you wouldn’t be- you’re a liar. A big fat liar. And if you truly believe you would be completely happy and satisfied and not even the tiniest bit sad regardless, you’re most likely lying to yourself. Being disappointed is completely natural. It’s why books, articles, and reports have been written about being sad when you get a certain gender and how to cope- because it is COMPLETELY natural.

In the end, the disappointment will completely fade, and I will look back and not change this baby to a girl for anything in the world. Same as I feel with Holden. It’s not about how you feel in the beginning, it’s how you react, cope, and deal with it. And talking about it, writing about it, venting about it, is the healthiest thing to do. You most likely won’t read any more blogs about how this baby is not a girl, because guess what? I got it out and i’m done.

And throwing your Christian beliefs at me doesn’t work because I am an Atheist. So telling me I should “thank God for being able to get pregnant!”.. because it means nothing to me. I respect all religions, and the right to believe in them- but to throw God in my face to try and make me feel like I am a bad person sickens me. It is not Christian to be judgmental towards someone you don’t know. You don’t know anything about me but what I CHOOSE to write on this blog.

Oh, and when my child gets old enough to understand logic and reason, i’m not going to lie to him and say he was planned. There’s nothing wrong with him knowing he was unplanned (it’s how you word it, mistake= bad, unplanned= good) and that I wanted him to be a girl. Kids aren’t stupid unless you treat them as such. I refuse to shelter him from every negative thing in the world and have him go into total culture shock when he realizes life isn’t like Candy Land.

I’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again- if you don’t like my blog- STOP READING IT. Go the fuck away. I certainly don’t want you here, or your ridiculous opinions. They are not welcome or appreciated- as I don’t write this blog to please anyone else. Take your sour grapes and shove’em, ’cause at the end of the day i’m still gonna feel the same way and your stupid comment isn’t going to change anything. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone, especially when I don’t feel like i’m doing anything or feeling anything wrong.

ETA: I have the option to not even read Anonymous comments before rejecting them, so even posting one is pointless. Seriously, get a life. NOW.

Posted on April 23, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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Nerves

The closer my “big ultrasound” date gets, the more nervous I become. This huge part of me still doesn’t want to know the sex of the baby in fear it will be another boy.
Is that selfish? Yeah, maybe, but I think i’m entitled to be.
An unexpected, unwanted pregnancy, that I wrestled back and forth with whether or not to keep.. that I ended up make a (in my opinion) selfless decision to keep and make the best of because it had to have happened for SOME reason or another? Yeah, a little selfishness from me is expected.

I’m afraid of walking into that ultrasound, laying down on the table, getting scanned only to see another penis. I don’t know how i’ll react. I didn’t cry when I found out Holden was a boy, but I was visibly disappointed.. but another boy? When I didn’t want another baby? When all I ever wanted was a girl? When I definitely don’t want 3 children? I have no idea what’s going to happen.

By now, I had really hoped to get over my issues with having another child and be super amped. Everyone told me to give it a few months to set in, and it would feel like I had planned this child for years.
It still doesn’t feel that way. I know it’s still early, but I WANT to be excited about this baby and i’m still not. Sometimes I feel excited.. and then I start thinking about how close in age baby and Holden will be. I think about how I don’t want to have to share my time with anyone but Holden. How I don’t want him to have to compete for my attention. How my practically non-existent social life will fade into oblivion. How I don’t think I can do it or handle it… and any feeling of excitement washes away.

That, combined with really not wanting another boy since this will almost definitely be our last child, makes it very hard to be anything but a big ball of nerves. And I know it makes me selfish, to want what I want and nothing else, to know I won’t be truly happy with another boy (and I worry I still won’t be truly happy if it’s a boy, even when he is born).. but it makes me real. It makes me human. It makes me honest. And i’m not going to lie to myself, and shove this all down, not talk about it, not get it out- and end up with some serious form of PPD. The last thing my children need.
I need to vent, to feel my feelings, regardless of how right or wrong they may be, I can’t help that.

I think these are feelings a lot of expectant moms feel. Worry. Dissapointment. Regret. Fear.
And they just never say it in fear of being judged by others. Being told they’re a bad mom.
Trust me, I got told so many times when I was pregnant with Holen and pissed he was a boy that I should “just be happy he’s healthy regardless of gender” and that shit would piss me off beyond all belief. I was mad up until the minute he was born.
Would I change his gender now if I could go back in time? No. Absolutely not.
And if this baby happens to be a boy, I would hope that when I look back on it, I will feel the same way I do about Holden.. but a HUGE part of me doubts it. A huge part of me thinks i’ll still be angry. I’ll never get that mother-daughter bond i’ve always dreamed about having.

Every day I wish for this baby to be a girl. Is that wrong? I don’t know, maybe. It is what it is, can’t change it. And the feeling most likely won’t subside until that gender scan happens and I find out for sure which one this baby is.
And to be totally honest, even though i’d feel relief if this baby is a girl, i’d still feel ALL the other things i’ve been feeling. I’d still wish this was 3+ years later. I think it all boils down to the fact that I had no control over this situation, I didn’t expect it, I didn’t plan it, I didn’t want it.

It all boils down to fear.
And I don’t think i’ve had very many people tell me that they think I can do it. No reassurance. All doubts. All people knowing this wasn’t planned, and I think doubting in their minds if i’ll be able to pull it off. All people thinking i’m insane for going through with it, whether it be because of money, or because of Holden.
If even just one person said to me, “You’re a good mom. You can do this” it would make all the difference in the world. Unfortunately, even some of the closest people to me have never told me that i’m a good mother. I know that I am, but in a situation such as this, where I am doubting every decision I make, some support would be nice.

Off to go stuff my face, again. At least food supports me! … I sound like a lard ass.

Posted on April 10, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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So much for Second Trimester Improvement

According to all the books, and all the websites, the exhaustion nausea cramping and all other ‘icky’ feelings are supposed to subside by your second trimester. You’re supposed to start GLOWING and have oodles of ridiculous energy and be happy to be pregnant instead of miserable and pukey.

Now, that wasn’t totally the case with Holden, as I had all-day sickness until probably 17-18 weeks, but every other disgusting side effect went away. Once night time rolled around I felt pretty good. I was sleeping better, eating better, feeling better.

Leave it to the bass-ackwards pregnancy of today to completely buck the trend. No morning sickness (or I should say MINIMAL) in the first trimester? Well then, we’ll make it so you’re completely and utterly exhausted in your second trimester for absolutely no reason!

No joke, it is physically hurting me to be awake. And it’s not as though i’m staying up until all hours of the night- i’ve actually been going to bed HOURS earlier because I find it impossible to keep my eyes open past 11:30pm. Still, I wake up and have to drag myself out of bed and find myself yawning all day, falling asleep on the couch, being achy and tired constantly.
I don’t get it! What the hell does my body have to be so tired about? Especially when not only do I sleep from 11:30pm-7:30am, but I also take a 1-2hr nap with Holden every afternoon. You’d think i’d be wide awake, not able to sleep at night from all the sleep I am getting.

And if you’re wondering, no, i’ve never been the energizer bunny. Waking up early is not my thing. I am not a morning person in any sense of the term. Still, I had more energy before getting pregnant.. and surprisingly more energy in my first trimester than I do now.

It’s not fun. It leads to me being angry mommy. Being tired equates to having little to no patience for all the evil things Holden does all day. We didn’t get along today because of it. Not at all. Next thing you know i’ll end up going crazy, seeing dead girls in my hallways and busting down the bathroom door with an axe.

HEEEEEEEEEEERE’S JENNY!

You’ll know to alert the authorities when this blog turns into nothing but pages of “All work and no play makes Jenny a cranky mommy.”

Posted on April 8, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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